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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/07/2023 19:17

Maybe communicate with the other parents and agree a plan for supervising your dcs. The parents sounds incredibly selfish. Poor lad. I’d stick a fiver in a card though.

Anothernamethesamegame · 24/07/2023 19:18

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:39

I've never known a 'party' like this before. My problem now is what to do as I agree with the quote above that I don't think the parents are bothered either way. I think they genuinly wouldn't care if he had a party or if nobody turned up. They like climbing and so that's what they are doing. I don't for a minute believe it's about the money, as if it was, then they would have put their son first and funded a normal party, rather than paying for themselves to go climbing plus the unnecessary (but very nice) extra drinks.

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first. Everything is about what they want and he is just there in the background. He rarely sees other kids outside of school because that's not something his parents want to do.

I'm thinking of going without a present on the assumption that this isn't a party, just a summer holiday meet up. That way at least I won't feel resentful. I don't want the boy to be sad about no present but really that's the fault of the selfish parents.

Show quote history

What massively cheeky gits!!

in your shoes I would probably pay and take a present and just remind myself that I’m doing it for my son and his lovely friend, so they can have a nice day despite his stupid parents.

Is it possible they are trying to sabotage their sons birthday. I knew some abusive parents once who would do odd things like this so their child experienced things like friends not coming to their party etc. or are they just selfish generally?

I would probably speak to your son and explain in future and invitations from this lad will have to be thought through. Is he old enough to talk to about it without dropping a clanger to his mate?

Original poster

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 19:19

Totaly · 24/07/2023 19:05

then I wouldn't refuse just on principle because she's cheeky as there's no benefit to anyone in that

Well the parents benefit as they can seemingly host without the cost and not actually hosting at all - and the child benefits from getting gifts and friend company.

OP however will more than likely have to stay and they need people to man the ropes - so may have to pay in as well.

I wouldn’t go! I’d fake illness or something the day before or wait until all the spaces have gone

I would then invite the child out on a play date later and give him a gift there.

Yes, this is my gripe. The parents get a party funded by everyone else and the boy gets presents. It's win-win for them and double the costs for us.

The climbing wall isn't a proper one, it's something that can be done unsupervised from age 4. The instructors clip the child onto a thing that is attached to a pully and the child goes up and down until they want to do a different wall. They get unclipped and clipped on to the next wall. I don't know how to explain it. It's the sort of thing you would find at Center Parcs.

I can't invite the child out on a different date, as the parents decline all play dates. It's just not something they are interested in. I used to feel sorry for him and take him out myself. The only way this was possible was if I would collect him from his house, pay for everything and drop him back home again afterwards. If any money or effort was required from them, they would decline. The play dates were never reciprocated. When I got sick of being taken for a mug, I stopped offering and I'm not even sure they noticed, so now the boy just doesn't really see anyone outside of school.

OP posts:

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/07/2023 19:20

I'd now reply and say 'sorry but DS can no longer make it' & leave it at that. If he wants to go climbing, then take him separately. CFs need called out on their behaviour & although a pity on their child, id not put up with the behaviour!

Nanaof1 · 24/07/2023 19:21

burnoutbabe · 24/07/2023 18:57

will son even get ub if you book a single ticket without an adult? or would you have to arrive all at same time, so their parents can Be in Charge.

All very weird, i'd just deline now

They don't sound like parents who are capable of being "in charge" of anything beyond themselves. That MIGHT mean that the OP will have to pay for her son and herself if the climbing gym requires an adult to be with the child.
Is this open to whomever walks up or do people need to "book a time" to be there?

This just sounds so off balance. I would be sure to totally clarify it with the boy's mother and then ask her to make sure the other parents know that it is all OOP for their child and maybe themselves to pay for it all. If not, I see someone having very hurt feelings at some point.

Blueblell · 24/07/2023 19:21

If your son wants to go and you can afford it I would book his place and send him. His parents sound very selfish! If your son and he are good friends and it sounds like you like him too- I would give a present, I wouldn’t give money though.

isitme111 · 24/07/2023 19:21

This isn't a party. I'd bin it off, say your plans have changed, you don't owe the other mum a detailed explanation. It's a shame for your DS's friend but it sounds like he'd be climbing with his family anyway.

Flisss · 24/07/2023 19:22

So there was no actual invitation. Did the text say please come to Johnny's Party? Or did it say do you all fancy coming climbing for Johnny's birthday? That's 2 very different things. She might be a bit taken aback by you asking was there food provided....this also feels cheeky to ask.

Janieforever · 24/07/2023 19:25

Can you say what the actual wording was

JbytheSea · 24/07/2023 19:27

Really odd not to pay for the other children. I bet she can afford it as well. I don’t understand how it is a party. You are forced to attend though as I bet your son is excited and it’s not the child’s fault his parents are CF.

When it’s my son’s birthday we pay for the activity for him and the children invited.

If I was genuinely skint I would make other cheaper arrangements but still give my son the best party I could.

Noicant · 24/07/2023 19:29

That’s really aggravating but I would probably take my child as I’d feel really bloody sorry for their kid.

Monkeylimas · 24/07/2023 19:31

If they had text and explained the situation id have attended paid and brought a present etc. I hate the thought of a child missing out if the parents are unable to afford it.

But the sly way they have done it and the fact they have paid to climb isn’t great.

A film and a pizza from the supermarket at home would have cost less and would have been a nice party in a budget.

I don’t think it’s cheeky to ask if food is part of the party. It’s awful if the food goes to waste and every kids party I’ve attended in the last 6 years (3 kids at primary so in excess of 100 parties - that’s insane thinking about it) has had food without exception. Be it a sleepover, meet up in the park, meeting reptiles, pony rides, paint balling, climbing or raft building! Always food.

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 19:32

Times are tough right now. I would think that she wants her son to have his friends at the climbing place and that he also wants her mum and dad to join in, my kids love it when we do activities for our children. I would imagine that she is embarrassed along side all this and didn't really want to say that she can't afford it. I dunno, for me, principle would come second to children having fun on their birthday.

BangaloreLulu · 24/07/2023 19:33

I can see this developing further - when you drop your son off, she'll say that you need to stay and supervise him, as they can't!

stayathomer · 24/07/2023 19:34

It is awful but I guess she just wanted a party for her child so in that way it's just a bit sad

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 19:34

Also, I wouldn't buy a gift as I am paying to take my kid. There must be a level of understanding there.

mumofboys8787 · 24/07/2023 19:36

"Can't afford to pay for all 4 boys" but can "afford" to pay for herself and her husband to go climbing? So she has the money she just doesn't want to use it to pay for a party for her son. Stingy bitch

Tinkerbyebye · 24/07/2023 19:41

either don’t go, do something else with your son, or pay for him to go but no present

if she queries it tell her your son attending is the present as you can’t afford both

and now you know so stop inviting her son to your parties if you don’t want to pay

Original poster

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 19:41

Flisss · 24/07/2023 19:22

It said "please come to Jonny's party at climbing wall on x date at x time". No mention of payment or "we are doing this, you can join us if you want".

Since the parents have a form for trying to get away with doing as little as possible, I asked about food. Usually there is food at a party and I wouldn't send my child with a packed lunch to a normal party, but I didn't want to risk DS going hungry if there was no food provided. I didn't just say "are you buying him food?" I tried to phrase it in a way where she wouldn't be embarrassed if there wasn't any because at this point I was unaware that I was expected to pay for him to attend. I have never been to a child's party before where there was no food. We are doing lots of activities over the summer hols, this one would be no different - except that it has somehow been called a party and I am expected to provide a gift for the organiser's child.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 24/07/2023 19:42

Maybe communicate with the other parents and agree a plan for supervising your dcs. The parents sounds incredibly selfish. Poor lad.
I think they sounds incredibly desperate! I agree with the fiver in a card-to be honest I'd add a small present in too-give him a great day!

BettyBallerina · 24/07/2023 19:43

It isn’t a party and it shouldn’t have been phrased as such; she’s crafty. If your dc would enjoy it then I would pay for him to go, give a small gift and be very wary of invites from this family in future.

drpet49 · 24/07/2023 19:44

“I can't invite the child out on a different date, as the parents decline all play dates. It's just not something they are interested in. I used to feel sorry for him and take him out myself. The only way this was possible was if I would collect him from his house, pay for everything and drop him back home again afterwards. If any money or effort was required from them, they would decline. The play dates were never reciprocated. When I got sick of being taken for a mug, I stopped offering and I'm not even sure they noticed, so now the boy just doesn't really see anyone outside of school.”

^The parents are selfish and lazy.

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 19:44

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:46

No, she was very clear that she can't afford to pay for anyone but herself and family and that I need to book and pay for him to go myself. The drinks thing was mentioned in a seperate conversation before that, where she was saying that she was looking forward to it and treating the family to some nice drinks.

Show quote history

Nice drinks? What can she mean - won’t they just be coke and lemonade, maybe a slushy?

The whole thing is very strange and sounds very sad for the son.

I can totally understand not wanting to go but if DS wants to go and the birthday child is nice I’d probably grit my teeth and pay.

Fundays12 · 24/07/2023 19:46

They are incredibly rude and cheeky. I have hosted a few kids parties including trampoline and soft play ones and always paid for everything including food, unlimited drinks and party bags. If you can't afford to host a birthday party for your child why organise one. I have never been to a kids party that hasn't been paid for by the host.

Jacopo · 24/07/2023 19:47

Their poor kid. What horrible parents.

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