Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

If you can afford to, I'd go and with a present( even something small). It's not his fault his parents are awful

No, she was very clear that she can't afford to pay for anyone but herself and family and that I need to book and pay for him to go myself. The drinks thing was mentioned in a seperate conversation before that, where she was saying that she was looking forward to it and treating the family to some nice drinks.

So the original invitation was worded how?

No, she was very clear that she can't afford to pay for anyone but herself and family

Unless she really doesn't know how party invites function, I would then assume it's a regular meet-up, no presents. But yes check if the place expects you to stay as well to supervise. The one I go to would, if it's not an organised party with monitors.

So has she paid for unlimited drinks for the kids she's invited or just her family?

Oh I feel sorry for the kid…if he thinks he’s getting a party and no one brings him a present…

But she wasn't upfront at all @ChrisPPancake! If there was a written invite it should be made clear that the invitees (or their parents) need to book and pay for it and no food will be provided. Though it's never been my experience with two children, I have heard of people asking for a contribution to a party, but they've at least booked it!
OP do the other parents know? If I got that invite I'd assumed it was all booked and paid for so would have just turned up (or dropped my child off depending on age)! Can you ask the other parents if their kids are going and how they are handling it?

It’s the poor boys party. Don’t punish him for having shitty parents by not taking a present. That’s a bit cruel.

I wonder if the other invitees know they have to pay their own way?

I get how irritating this must be OP. But there really isn't a way you can achieve your two aims of not causing upset to the boys and not feeling resentful. It's extremely annoying that you've been put in this position.
For what it's worth, the way you describe the parents in the update I can't imagine them giving two hoots whether their son gets a gift or not. So you really wouldn't be making a point to them by not bothering.

will son even get ub if you book a single ticket without an adult? or would you have to arrive all at same time, so their parents can Be in Charge.

All very weird, i'd just deline now

If this is a nice kid, I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but would suddenly find I was double booked for this occasion, and then invite him out to another activity another time and get him a little present to make up for missing his “party”. Would probably cost me the same in terms of cash but I would have the satisfaction of not going along with her plan. She should have been upfront that it was just a “we’ll be climbing on Sat if you fancy bringing x along and maybe we can have a coffee after” type of invitation.

It could have been worded as they are paying for their son to go on a climbing day out and wondered if a few of his friends were interested in going, it costs x amount and drinks and food prices are x amount.

Saying it's a party and then expecting guests to pay is rude.

Usually a party at a climbing centre would have to be booked and paid for by the host, and all the adult supervision and waivers etc would be done at the same time. It sounds as though the mother has told her DS he can have a 'party' but has no intention of paying or arranging anything. How does she even know that there will be enough climbing spaces available at the same time they are going for his friends and their parents?. Maybe her attitude to it is, if it's just us family there and your friends don't turn up because they have to pay never mind. It would be a shame for her DS though.

She hasn't been upfront. I only realised when the wording of one of the texts was a bit odd so I queried if that meant that she wasn't paying for my DS.

No, my DS didn't invite himself, she text everyone to invite us to the party. We said yes. Only by chance did I realise that I was expected to pay (although the family have a form for trying to get as much out of others i.e. lifts/favours, while giving as little back as possible). So now people can't just politely decline as they have already accepted. The paying for themselves will presumably be sprung on them when they arrive. I have text the other mums to warn them, as it costs more to pay on the door than it does to book in advance.

I would take a present, if you know the child you know if it is near his birthday and not taking a present, when it has probably been presented to him as “your birthday party at the climbing centre” seems unnecessarily mean to a kid who didn’t choose his tight arsed parents. Just take it as a day out in the holidays for your boy which he will enjoy with a birthday present and card thrown in. .

that's so weird and rude of his mum. Given you had to drag the info out of her I wouldn't be surprised if the other parents assume that they will be paying (as is standard for a party) and will be confused when they arrive and are asked to pay for their kids.

I assume her and her DH have to go to accompany the kids as I don't think a group of ten year olds would be allowed to go climbing unsupervised but the drinks package is really weird. Why would you even want unlimited drinks at a climbing place - they will only be bog standard pepsi etc rather than cocktails or whatever so hardly a treat worth paying over the odds for? And surely if you're climbing the last thing you'll want to be doing is taking your harness off and rushing off to either go and get said drinks (because you can't take them onto the climbing area) or go and pee every 20 minutes! Not to mention how awkward if her and her DH and child are going off every few minutes to get their drinks and the poor kids they've invited to the party just have to stand around and wait for them.

I'd be tempted to decline the invite and offer a separate meet up with the birthday boy at some point even if it's somewhere fairly cheap like swimming or round your house.

Like PP said she should have been honest and said we are going here for DS birthday, if you would like to join us at the same time. It costs £ , hopefully see you there.

But if it’s not a party then your kid will need an adult supervision them at a climbing centre. So you’ll have to pay for yourself too.

then I wouldn't refuse just on principle because she's cheeky as there's no benefit to anyone in that

Well the parents benefit as they can seemingly host without the cost and not actually hosting at all - and the child benefits from getting gifts and friend company.

OP however will more than likely have to stay and they need people to man the ropes - so may have to pay in as well.

I wouldn’t go! I’d fake illness or something the day before or wait until all the spaces have gone

I would then invite the child out on a play date later and give him a gift there.

Just say that it’s not a paid party it’s not a convenient weekend and you’ll arrange anther one maybe in the holiday.
CF

If she genuinely couldn't afford it I'd happily send my child and pay so the birthday boy can have friends there.

It sounds like she just doesn't want to pay and hasn't been clear about the arrangements from the start.

Is it a good friend of your sons and does he really want to go?

Do you know any parents of the other children who are going? Are you close enough with any of them to ask if they've had to pay for their children? Message her on the day saying your ds cannot make it and do something nice with him instead.

So you'll be basically just booking your ds in. You'll therefore possibly have to supervise and pay for yourself too. What are the other parents saying?

I agree it's poor form but I would go and take a present now. The only person you'll hurt is your child/their child otherwise and that helps no one.

It's odd but as PP's said, I'd go and bring and a small present. The parents might be awful or just bad communicators but the kid still deserves a nice birthday.