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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
Ywudu · 24/07/2023 18:00

Are you sure she hasn't paid for the climbing part but food isn't included in that and she can't afford to feed everyone invited also so if you want to eat their after the party you'll need to pay for your son yourself.

Soapyspuds · 24/07/2023 18:04

She needs to learn to cut her cloth accordingly to her means. If your child really wants to go climbing then take them. If not then decline.

DarkModes · 24/07/2023 18:06

That's not a party. I would decline.

Thelastofbus · 24/07/2023 18:06

I’d still take my son if it was me. But money isn’t tight for us, and I’m fond of all my sons friends and wouldn’t want them to miss out on a ‘party’. But I agree it is most unusual!

2bazookas · 24/07/2023 18:07

I'd send the child a birthday card by post.
No present when your son attends an uncatered climbing event you've booked yourself and paid for. That's not a party.

Smartiepants79 · 24/07/2023 18:09

If she’s not paying for any of it then it’s not a party!
Its just a meet up!
If you can afford it then go, if you don’t want to spend that money then cancel. This is beyond weird and cheeky!

Fiddlerdragon · 24/07/2023 18:09

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/07/2023 17:57

Rude- the shit communication could also cause problems, if a parent turns up with an excited kid and no means of paying. I’d prob decline unless my kid and theirs were best friends.

This is what would have happened if she’d done it to me, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to repeatedly ask about costs like the op has done, I’d have just assumed it was all booked and paid for 🤷🏼‍♀️

Readyplayerthr33 · 24/07/2023 18:09

I think I would reply, “So, it’s not a birthday party actually? You’re just suggesting we bring our son for a day out and meet up with you? I’m afraid we can’t make it.”

DinnaeFashYersel · 24/07/2023 18:10

Very weird and rude.

If they can't afford a party they shouldn't be having one. Or doing something they can afford.

JusthereforXmas · 24/07/2023 18:11

29p card from card factory time.

If you really feel you 'must' do a present (but are petty about paying which is fair) try local charity shops. The one here often has teddies etc... for 50p you can get some new with tags in the basket and many are recognizable characters like paw patrol or Disney.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/07/2023 18:11

I would actually message,
”you may want to let the others know, given it’s a party, they may not appreciate the requirement to book and pay themselves”

RunningUpThatBuilding · 24/07/2023 18:13

I’ve been through 13 years of party invitations (2 boys) and I have NEVER encountered anything like this!

The unspoken rule is that party hosts pay for activities plus food and drinks. Activity offerings have ranged from trampoline parks to Lego parties at home. Food offerings ranged from nice restaurants to McDonalds. I have never paid a penny or been expected to!

I’d bin this off!

Noicant · 24/07/2023 18:15

If it was a close friend I wouldn’t have minded if someone said upfront that they couldn’t afford anything but would like to arrange a playdate for their kid’s birthday. That would be fine, but if it was a party invitation I would expect it food/ entry paid for. It depends on if your kid will feel like they are missing out.

MadMadMad · 24/07/2023 18:15

Are you sure she hasn’t booked the climbing but expects you to pay for drinks? If you have to pay for the climbing as well and your DS wants to go and you can afford it, I would let him go but no present and tell the mum and child the money for the present went on the climbing.

Jellifulfruit · 24/07/2023 18:15

Yeah agreed with everyone here. Very odd and not a party at all

Noicant · 24/07/2023 18:16

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/07/2023 18:11

I would actually message,
”you may want to let the others know, given it’s a party, they may not appreciate the requirement to book and pay themselves”

Yeah I would suggest a heads up too, the other parents probably aren’t expecting to pay either.

burnoutbabe · 24/07/2023 18:17

MadMadMad · 24/07/2023 18:15

Are you sure she hasn’t booked the climbing but expects you to pay for drinks? If you have to pay for the climbing as well and your DS wants to go and you can afford it, I would let him go but no present and tell the mum and child the money for the present went on the climbing.

yes thats how i read it - unlimited drinks for some but not all.

anything else is a bit bonkers!

IhearyouClemFandango · 24/07/2023 18:18

“Oh, sorry, I thought it was a birthday party. We can’t stretch to it at the moment, have a lovely time.”

Thatboymum · 24/07/2023 18:18

Is it just the unlimited drinks she hasn’t bought for everybody or the actual climbing and drinks ? If it’s just the drinks I’d be inclined to be sympathetic and understand they may be struggling but maybe don’t want to let the son down so have tried their best. If it’s both then I’d just decline as I could go climbing with my kids anytime if I wanted

Fiddlerdragon · 24/07/2023 18:18

JusthereforXmas · 24/07/2023 18:11

29p card from card factory time.

If you really feel you 'must' do a present (but are petty about paying which is fair) try local charity shops. The one here often has teddies etc... for 50p you can get some new with tags in the basket and many are recognizable characters like paw patrol or Disney.

Why are people suggesting that the op takes it out on the woman’s son? Either go and bring a card and present as normal, or don’t go. Why go out of your way to buy the cheapest card you can find and a used charity shop teddy to prove a point? That’s likely to leave her own child embarrassed, never mind his friend. This woman is being a bit of a cf, but it up to you to decide whether to put that aside and still attend

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 24/07/2023 18:19

Do the others going know this???

NewName122 · 24/07/2023 18:20

She needs to tell the other parents. I'd assume they had paid if my child was invited and might not even bring my purse.

GlitteryGreen · 24/07/2023 18:20

Are you sure she hasn't booked the climbing for him but just not the unlimited drinks? That's how it reads to me?

Teaandbiscuits1234 · 24/07/2023 18:21

If you can afford it and your son wants to go I would say swallow it and don’t take a present or just take a card and sweets/chocolate/ or a book if not a food item. I do think it would be a good idea to say to the mum to communicate with others too

Thesearmsofmine · 24/07/2023 18:22

Is it a planned party with an invite or is that they were already going climbing for their kids birthday and he has asked if he can ask if some friends want to come along too?