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AIBU?

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Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
Orangello · 24/07/2023 18:22

I am also wondering if she meant guests must get their own drinks, but she has at least paid the entrance? Even that is weird enough - I can understand not doing a meal if it's not mealtime, but at least cake and drinks surely?

If she expects everybody to pay also for their own entrance then that's not a party invite but just a meet up, so no gifts should be expected.

grunttheterrible · 24/07/2023 18:23

I'm so glad you posted this OP. DD11 has been invited to lots of parties recently with bank details to pay for her. We can afford it so have been, but can't say I wasn't tempted to ask parents to pay for their kids share of pizza at her sleepover and bowling the next day. Obvs know there's a cost of living crisis and while I think parents are fine they might not be, but as you day no obligation to arrange expensive stuff. Kids that age are happy with a movie and few bags of crisps and sweets

Hugasauras · 24/07/2023 18:23

All sounds a bit of a shambles!

FKATondelayo · 24/07/2023 18:23

Honestly, if I could afford it, I'd pay for it. I wouldn't want the kid to not have friends at his party cos his mum's a bit odd / skint / a CF (delete as applicable). He's gonna need all the friends he can get. And I wouldn't want my DC's friendships to suffer.

Clymene · 24/07/2023 18:24

That's not a party. You give the party you can afford, not the ones your guests can afford to attend.

Justhereforthechristmasthreads · 24/07/2023 18:26

If you have to pay entry check with the venue you don't also have to pay for an adult to be there with your DC. I read a post on here maybe last year about a similar situation. Child invited to a climbing "party" but centre wouldnt just let a child book a place as they had to have adult supervision (a paid adult entry even if said adult wasn't climbing)

RedHelenB · 24/07/2023 18:28

Readyplayerthr33 · 24/07/2023 18:09

I think I would reply, “So, it’s not a birthday party actually? You’re just suggesting we bring our son for a day out and meet up with you? I’m afraid we can’t make it.”

This.

5128gap · 24/07/2023 18:30

Fiddlerdragon · 24/07/2023 18:18

Why are people suggesting that the op takes it out on the woman’s son? Either go and bring a card and present as normal, or don’t go. Why go out of your way to buy the cheapest card you can find and a used charity shop teddy to prove a point? That’s likely to leave her own child embarrassed, never mind his friend. This woman is being a bit of a cf, but it up to you to decide whether to put that aside and still attend

Show quote history

So much this.
I can understand being annoyed. I can understand saying no if its unaffordable. But I can't conceive of a situation where I'd disappoint my own child or go out of my way to slight another child just to show a parent who'd breeched birthday party etiquette that I was annoyed with her. Some parents mess up. Its not the birthday child's fault his did. To make a statement of disapproval using the children is beyond petty and spiteful.

Crumpleton · 24/07/2023 18:32

Watchthedoormat · 24/07/2023 17:47

I'd not want to disappoint the boy or my own ds so I'd pay for his climb this time however I'd be on guard in the future.

This, but due to having to pay for it I'd treat it more as a day out with his friend than a party and not buy a present.

fortheloveofflowers · 24/07/2023 18:33

Just decline it 🤷‍♀️

ChrisPPancake · 24/07/2023 18:33

At least she's been upfront about it I guess.

Any chance your dc heard them talking about it and invited themself along?

Soubriquet · 24/07/2023 18:34

That’s not a party…that’s meeting up at a place. If she can’t afford to pay for kids to go, she can’t afford to have a party there. It’s that simple

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 24/07/2023 18:35

CF's act like this because they know people will pander to them. As not to affect the child 🙄 As evidenced by previous posters. If you are paying for your child then it isn't a birthday party so you do not need to buy a card or present. I would go if I thought my kid would enjoy it. Its a day out at the end of the day.

anonymousxoxo · 24/07/2023 18:35

I wouldn’t even entertain this with a reply, just ignore and don’t go. Go climbing yourself with your son as a family.

Tiddlywinkly · 24/07/2023 18:37

(Clutching at straws) Are you sure it's a party and not just a play date?

Iolani · 24/07/2023 18:38

Very weird but in the circumstances as you are invited to do an activity they have chosen and pay for yourselves then your ds being there is the present. So get / make a card. No present,
It’s not really a party as you’re paying. It’s just a get together.

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:39

5128gap · 24/07/2023 17:47

Does your DS want to go, and can you afford it? If the answer to both those questions is yes, then I wouldn't refuse just on principle because she's cheeky as there's no benefit to anyone in that. It's not going to bother her whether he's there or not after all, so it won't make her think twice in future. Your DS is the one who will miss out. And possibly the birthday child, but unless everyone else declines he'll probably be fine too. So it boils down to whether you want to pay for your DS to have this experience or not.

I've never known a 'party' like this before. My problem now is what to do as I agree with the quote above that I don't think the parents are bothered either way. I think they genuinly wouldn't care if he had a party or if nobody turned up. They like climbing and so that's what they are doing. I don't for a minute believe it's about the money, as if it was, then they would have put their son first and funded a normal party, rather than paying for themselves to go climbing plus the unnecessary (but very nice) extra drinks.

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first. Everything is about what they want and he is just there in the background. He rarely sees other kids outside of school because that's not something his parents want to do.

I'm thinking of going without a present on the assumption that this isn't a party, just a summer holiday meet up. That way at least I won't feel resentful. I don't want the boy to be sad about no present but really that's the fault of the selfish parents.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/07/2023 18:40

grunttheterrible · 24/07/2023 18:23

I'm so glad you posted this OP. DD11 has been invited to lots of parties recently with bank details to pay for her. We can afford it so have been, but can't say I wasn't tempted to ask parents to pay for their kids share of pizza at her sleepover and bowling the next day. Obvs know there's a cost of living crisis and while I think parents are fine they might not be, but as you day no obligation to arrange expensive stuff. Kids that age are happy with a movie and few bags of crisps and sweets

So they invite her to a party but expect you to transfer them money in exchange for her attending? That’s bizarre

Hazelnuttella · 24/07/2023 18:41

I think it sounds like she is covering everyone’s climbing, but has only bought drinks for her and her DS (as the context was you asking about food).

Nanaof1 · 24/07/2023 18:42

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

It's called RSVPing with a "No, my son won't be attending". I would have never had a party for my DC and not paid for all of it.

If you have to pay for your DS to go climbing, you might as well just go as a family yourself.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/07/2023 18:43

If you have a party /treat where you invite children you pay for the activity and food and drinks

She is cheeky

I would double check though

Has she paid for entrance and not drinks

Or not paid for anything

Poor birthday boy

dooneyousmugelf · 24/07/2023 18:43

Surely not. I think there's been some mix up here, on which end I don't know. But I'd step away before it becomes mortifying

Bivarb · 24/07/2023 18:44

"Sorry I didn't realise we'd have to pay to attend the birthday party. I won't be able to stretch to it. You should let the other parents know in case they show up without money for entry. Hope he has a great time."

CF indeed!

Figgygal · 24/07/2023 18:44

Poor kid
Do you know the other kids/parents going to confirm their understanding of the arrangements

Almondcakeismyfav · 24/07/2023 18:44

Watchthedoormat · 24/07/2023 17:47

I'd not want to disappoint the boy or my own ds so I'd pay for his climb this time however I'd be on guard in the future.

This - though that’s probably what she is relying on .

I have had the odd party where we’ve been asked to contribute rather than buy a present. Don’t mind that at all if it’s a cool activity that I know will be a good experience