Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

If your son wants to do the activity I'd pay and let it go, but have a word after that you were confused about paying when in the past you have paid. If son doesn't want to go I'd have a word now because it doesn't sound fair. I have paid for a whole party before as my son's birthday is just after Christmas and some of his friends families literally had nothing because they have had the cost of travelling for family etc. However, I've always been open that I'm happy to pay as I understand how expensive it can be at that time of the year and always did it cheap and cheery. Luckily he quickly worked out he preferred going out with us for a meal, that makes life more straightforward.

How did it go @BagOfFeet ?
I’d have probably taken a card, but think you’re right not to take a present.

I did relent in the end and take a card for the boy. Maybe the family assumed there was money in it, they didn't say anything afterwards about a present being missing. To my knowledge, I was the only person who didn't give a present. The children and the 'host' parents went off climbing and the rest of us mums sat in the cafe area. The boys had a really good time and I am glad they went. One of the mums did make a small comment about not being happy about paying but nothing else was said.

It got more awkward afterwards because the mum went off to buy her son some ice cream. She didn't ask us if our boys wanted any. Once she came back with food only for her son, me and another mum went and got some for our children and the other mum said she would wait until they got home. Even if I wasn't hosting a party, if I went to get drinks or something from the counter, I would have offerd to get something for the others. The mum didn't seem embarrassed by only going up and getting something for her own child and not acknowledging the other three boys. Nobody was really sure what to do because nothing was following a typical party format. We did sing happy birthday, but there was no cake.

There were no party bags, but this wasn't communicated beforehand so I was half waiting for them and half wondering if this was the end of the party and should I go. When it became clear that nothing more was happening, I made my excuses to leave, we all then left at pretty much the same time. It was fine, just a bit uncomfortable. I have made peace with it by thinking of it as a play date (with a card). The boys seemd oblivious to everything, which was good.

I think it was obvious there weren’t going to be any party bags. It does sound very awkward all round but I’d just chalk it up to experience now. You’ve basically paid for your DS to go climbing with his friends like a normal-ish summer holidays activity, at least you won’t be begrudging handing over a present.

As if there would be party bags 😂

The parents didnt pay for 3 boys/ get them a drink/ food or anything - as if they would even have given party bags a thought!!!

Glad the boy had a good time and you only gave a card.

This woman is insane! No cake, no party bags? And only buying her son ice cream? Has she been to a party before?? I’d be tempted to pull her aside and ask if she’s ok.

Wow

No snacks. No cake.

And yet I bet you hear back about the lack of 'gift' in the card.

Just, wow.

They sound like a pair of grabby chancers!

The tragic thing is that this poor boy is going to find his friendships and social life negatively affected by his parents' grabby attitude.

To be honest I wouldn’t have expected party bags at this sort of party even if they had paid and provided food. I think once you get to the age for these kind of parties, party bags no longer happen.

not getting the other children ice cream is very mean definitely not acceptable behaviour.

Do people do party bags for 10 year olds? My son is 4 but I assumed we'd be past the party bag stage by age 8 or 9.

I wouldn't have expected party bags, but the parents seem to be totally oblivious of the expectations form other people of a normal party.

I can't decide whether it is bare faced cheek or whether they rare really unaware of what constitutes a party. I mean, not even a cake!

Good lord. I’d always offer to buy my son's
friends ice cream if I was buying him one even if it wasn’t his birthday! She lacks any social skills or etiquette.

At least the birthday boy had a nice time and was unaware.

I wonder if you will get a message with a “did you forget Adams gift? Only there’s no present from Bobby here and there’s no money in the card either”

She seems like a parent with brass balls big enough to do this

God almighty, I could not ever act like that. I understand money can be tight but even if it is, I'd not take kids somewhere expensive for a 'party', pay myself in but no other kids, participate myself leaving parents sat there and then not bring so much as a cheap sponge cake. I'd rather not have a party for my child at all than be that rude. I certainly wouldn't be buying them and only them food either. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

I'm glad you still went OP. For their child's sake. It's not their fault they have been born to two self important arseholes.

God, the whole situation just sounds awful. The Mum shouldn’t have called it a party because it absolutely isn’t one, you generally don’t pay to attend someone’s birthday party. Nothing was included at all either, not even an ice cream so this really was just an awkward and expensive play date.

Agreed. Sounds a bit selfish and she has created an awkward situation.
If she couldn't afford it, fine. Her and DH should not be going and she should not have bought unlimited drinks. For goodness sake, she could have brought water. It's not really a party, more of a meet up/excursion.

What hideous parents. Glad he enjoyed it though.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she did message, then OP could reply 'Well it wasn't a party, was it, as you didn't pay for anything. It was just a meet-up, where everyone paid for their own children. I don't typically bring presents to play dates.' 😁

Glad your son went as sounds he likes this boy

And poor boy sounds like he doesn't have much of a nice life with parents like that

Just sounds like a play date but again you don't usually pay for one

Def not a party

Very rude she didn't buy a drink
Or ice cream for the boys

No cake
No party bags

No pressie

then OP could reply 'Well it wasn't a party, was it, as you didn't pay for anything. It was just a meet-up, where everyone paid for their own children. I don't typically bring presents to play dates.' 😁

Brilliant!

OP, what presents did the others give, or were they wrapped and you couldn’t see?

I think a card was more than enough.

Hope you took a card at least, and it went OK. And that the little boys who's birthday it is had a nice time.

I’m glad the boys all had a nice time.
I wouldn’t have taken a present either, like you say, it was basically a play date which happened to fall on or near one of their birthdays. A card is plenty.
I think all the mums are wonderful for not talking about it and moaning, must be a nice bunch.

Did you get to see what drinks were included in the “unlimited drinks” package?

when I was a kid my mum used to give me money when I went to parties to pay for bowling or cinema or whatever it was and when it came time to pay the adult would always tell me just to keep my money or buy an ice cream but mostly I would bring it home for my parents. On my birthday I’d beg her to pay for the other kids because I was so embarrassed she wouldn’t - I even offered to do odd jobs to earn the money for it not realising it was still coming from the same source - paid weekly and not well they couldn’t afford it and didn’t expect it from others. The reason for sharing this is just I wonder if she’s embarrassed and doesn’t know how to explain situation. Poorly handled I agree but if you can afford it then I’d give the kids the cash to take just in case. It’s tough times for lots of people just now. Does seem slightly bizarre though to pay both parents at same cost as kids.