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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 24/07/2023 19:48

I've had loads of parties over the years for stuff like climbing walls, laser zone, bowling or whatever and never known having to pay for your own, nor would I expect people to cough up to come to the parties I threw for my kids either!
I get that they might not be able to afford it, but if that's the case then surely you have a party that better suits your means?!
YADNBU.

whynotwhatknot · 24/07/2023 19:49

how can you invite akid to a party then say well you got to book and pay for yourself

viques · 24/07/2023 19:51

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 19:34

Also, I wouldn't buy a gift as I am paying to take my kid. There must be a level of understanding there.

Well the parents might get that message, but the kid who has been told he is having his party at the climbing wall won’t. Not taking a present won’t be understood by him as retaliation against his parents for having to pay. For him to understand this you need to write a message in the birthday card.

“ Happy Birthday Jonny, have a lovely day. Sorry we haven’t got you a present but by not getting you even a token gift we are hoping to send a subtle message to your grabby parents that making people pay for your birthday outing and not providing food is really not on. Sorry if this upsets you at all, but we think making you sad is the best way of teaching your parents this important lesson. So no hard feelings, it’s not about you. Lots of love.”

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 24/07/2023 19:54

I feel sorry for the boy, not a great childhood and parents no one would really want for themselves growing up.

I honestly don't know what I'd do under the circumstances, OP. Any 'point' you make to the parents really only affects the poor boy.

IncognitoMam · 24/07/2023 19:56

Bloody hell when mine were little I provided for dcs and parents. What tight selfish bastards. That poor lad. I'd have to have him round mine all the time.

Cornishclio · 24/07/2023 19:57

I feel really sorry for the boy as obviously these parents have form for not paying their share for days out and consequently their son doesn't get invited anywhere.

I wouldn't put a fiver in the card as chances are these CF would take that for themselves. Tight gits. Maybe a token gift for the boy if you can afford it after the climbing place fees though just to be nice. Ask your DS what he would like.

NOTANUM · 24/07/2023 19:57

Some people are just awful.

One parent I knew didn’t throw her kid a party because the kid attended lots already. Yes, lots for other kids..

I’d go just so that didn’t grow up thinking no-one came. Poor kid.

electriclight · 24/07/2023 19:57

I know you disagree op but all of the messages suggest, to me, that she booked and paid for the climbing but made it at a time to avoid food.

When you asked about food, she said that she could only pay for her own family.

But she then booked unlimited drinks.

Come back and let us know but I really think this is a misunderstanding.

Even if it's not I think your message to her was mean and I don't think it was your place to message the other mums.

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 19:59

I don't really buy kids presents full stop, and many don't buy my kids presents when we do things for our kids birthdays and they come, I or my children do not care, my kids do not expect gifts...

I don't really care if I have to pay either, I just want to make sure my kids and their friends are happy. Have many situations where I take other peoples kids out and spend fortunes on them, not because I expect it returned, but because they enjoy it as do my kids. If you are hard up then that would be different. The kids are always the ones who suffer when adults start making the situation about them. If I can do nice things then I will.

So no, no big card explanation of weirdness! 🤔

Snugglemonkey · 24/07/2023 19:59

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:39

I've never known a 'party' like this before. My problem now is what to do as I agree with the quote above that I don't think the parents are bothered either way. I think they genuinly wouldn't care if he had a party or if nobody turned up. They like climbing and so that's what they are doing. I don't for a minute believe it's about the money, as if it was, then they would have put their son first and funded a normal party, rather than paying for themselves to go climbing plus the unnecessary (but very nice) extra drinks.

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first. Everything is about what they want and he is just there in the background. He rarely sees other kids outside of school because that's not something his parents want to do.

I'm thinking of going without a present on the assumption that this isn't a party, just a summer holiday meet up. That way at least I won't feel resentful. I don't want the boy to be sad about no present but really that's the fault of the selfish parents.

Show quote history

He will be sad about no present and will not understand why he is not getting them. He (hopefully) will not know anything about payment. I would either treat it like a party for the same of the children, or decline.

IDontDrinkTea · 24/07/2023 19:59

I would buy the child a present that they’d love and the parents would hate. It’s definitely an opportunity for a slime kit with extra glitter

LolaSmiles · 24/07/2023 19:59

It sounds like the parents are hoping to have a trip for themselves at a clip n climb style centre and get their son's friends' parents to fund his party.

Is there a group chat with the invite in or was it all sent individually? If it's a group could you message saying you want to double check the arrangements because from back and forth messaging you'd ended up with the impression that it's not a party invite, more an everyone pays to go climbing afternoon out. Then let the so-called host spell it out to everyone.

GiddyGladys · 24/07/2023 19:59

I'd say sorry we can't make it and it's probably fully booked now. Happy climbing!

Coulditreallybe · 24/07/2023 20:00

Is it clip and climb @BagOfFeet ?

upsidedownandturnaround · 24/07/2023 20:00

Based on your last message, I think you should go AND I think you should take a present. This is about the boy at the end of the day. You said you can afford it.

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 20:02

viques · 24/07/2023 19:51

Well the parents might get that message, but the kid who has been told he is having his party at the climbing wall won’t. Not taking a present won’t be understood by him as retaliation against his parents for having to pay. For him to understand this you need to write a message in the birthday card.

“ Happy Birthday Jonny, have a lovely day. Sorry we haven’t got you a present but by not getting you even a token gift we are hoping to send a subtle message to your grabby parents that making people pay for your birthday outing and not providing food is really not on. Sorry if this upsets you at all, but we think making you sad is the best way of teaching your parents this important lesson. So no hard feelings, it’s not about you. Lots of love.”

Show quote history

I really do understand what you are saying and historically I have always tried to put that child first, but where does it end? When I do something for him, the parents are pleased with themselves for finding someone to offload him onto, with no recognition of the work that I or any other person has done for them/their child. I did try to address it with them before I gave up helping them. I pointed out that I was doing a lot for their DS and they don't do anything in return. The dad replied that they don't owe me anything, he said "it is Jonny you're helping, not me, so why would I owe you anything?". He didn't say it aggressively, he genuinly couldn't seem to see what this had to do with him. That was the point where I gave up.

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 24/07/2023 20:04

I'd probably decline but invite the boy over for a day or a sleepover, (offering to collect him and take him home) and give him a gift then.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 24/07/2023 20:08

User37652 · 24/07/2023 17:56

Are you sure she means she hasn’t booked him a place at all? The way I was reading your message was that she couldn’t remember if she had booked unlimited drinks for him - otherwise I don’t see how she could have ‘forgotten’ whether she booked him a place at all. Could it be that she’s bought him a ticket to climb but can’t afford the unlimited drinks for everyone else?

That’s how I read it, too.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 24/07/2023 20:09

GlitteryGreen · 24/07/2023 18:20

Are you sure she hasn't booked the climbing for him but just not the unlimited drinks? That's how it reads to me?

Yes, that's exactly how it reads to me. Climbing booked and paid for but not food and unlimited drinks. Perhaps not the most generous of parties but declining the invitation seems a little extreme.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 24/07/2023 20:11

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 19:01

She hasn't been upfront. I only realised when the wording of one of the texts was a bit odd so I queried if that meant that she wasn't paying for my DS.

No, my DS didn't invite himself, she text everyone to invite us to the party. We said yes. Only by chance did I realise that I was expected to pay (although the family have a form for trying to get as much out of others i.e. lifts/favours, while giving as little back as possible). So now people can't just politely decline as they have already accepted. The paying for themselves will presumably be sprung on them when they arrive. I have text the other mums to warn them, as it costs more to pay on the door than it does to book in advance.

Show quote history

What did the other parents say?

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 20:13

I don't really buy kids presents full stop, and many don't buy my kids presents when we do things for our kids birthdays and they come, I or my children do not care, my kids do not expect gifts...

I wonder why people don’t buy your children presents…

windmill26 · 24/07/2023 20:15

Nazzywish · 24/07/2023 17:38

Why don't you just decline the invite and tell her nicely why.? Sorry thought the psrty would be all paid for so on this occasion will have to politely decline, hope your ds has a lovely time etc etc.

This!

fortheloveofflowers · 24/07/2023 20:17

I would just reply saying you thought it was a party and that expecting guests to pay for a kids party is rude.

PoshPineapple · 24/07/2023 20:18

Like this - inoffensive but factual!

@Swansandcustard

Sorry CF mum, didn’t realise there would be extra costs, can’t run to it this time. Hope you all have a fab time

krafttcheesy · 24/07/2023 20:19

What have the other mums who you've warned about paying said about the whole thing?

It's all very strange. Maybe backtrack and say you can't go after all then just take your kid climbing the next day. He doesn't miss out on a cool activity and then you're not annoyed about the grabby parents