Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

Well that’s unfortunate for your daughter and those who will have to encounter her. (Unless , hopefully, she learns this from someone else).

Just tell them it's naughty to hurt people and they'll stop. Didn't you know it's really easy to discipline autistic children...

You never know what’s going on in some peoples lives.

When my son who has autism was 5 je was involved in a minor confrontation with another child in a playground. Normally i’d be very apologetic but the dad of the other child looked so angry even though nothing significant had happened.

i left with my son - almost in tears - who knows what that dad thought about me - but the day before i’d been diagnosed with cancer and was waiting on tests to see how advanced it was. I was at rock bottom.

Her turn was too long given that this was a public space and other children were waiting. Turn taking has a time limit.

The dad was a knob. Your child waited long enough, the kid has bigger problems than autism with a father like that.

You're right. But I'm guessing you don't take him to regular museums on regular days with lots of other kids when he could have a violent meltdown you couldn't predict.

Honestly, I wish I'd read this thread when I was struggling with my kid to the point I ended up in a&e with the crisis team. If I'd just known they can be taught to behave nicely, I'd have saved myself a lot of suffering.

Interesting. If she was physically disabled and it took 15 mins to get into the machine, would more than five minutes using it be too long?

@ZairWazAnOldLady we are having two different conversations. I was in a dialogue with posters who were arguing that regardless of disability a child shouldn’t be expected to stop before they felt like it.

But surely you wouldn’t take your severely disabled violent child to a place where they are expected to interact and share with other children? Especially not on the first day of the summer holidays!

It’s a busy place. Moving away often means a missed opportunity. And they waited patiently. Where in my OP or anywhere else did I say they could not wait?

I don't think the DD's behaviour was ever in question though. It was the dad's response and way of handling it that was questionable. But at others have said he may be autistic himself and therefore not have the same social mores as others.

Not once did I utter that. Or ever think it. But I’m fully aware there is zero point explaining to you why I did come here.

You seem to think it’s quite impressive that two nt boys waited for twenty minutes. Perhaps what she was doing was infinitely more impressive and giving up her turn would be beyond her?

How is that clear? I posted this thread because I was reflecting on my part in the interaction and wanted different perspectives and hopefully some insight. For example I’ll admit it didn’t occur to me that maybe the father had autism too. That’s something I’ll be more aware of in future.

My 4yo with ASD would have understood ‘2 more minutes’ and happily move on for the next person.

my 6yo with Complex ASD is non verbal and has no receptive language skills, so very very basic comprehension. He absolutely would not have understood (and I might also have asked you to tell him yourself if you were being snarky) and I would have used one of his tried and tested strategies to allow him to finish his turn and move on happily without getting distressed, but that’s under our terms and limits, not yours.

not every autistic person is sheldon bloody cooper

I wouldn't bother engaging any more @Flounder2022. AIBU is full of people who'll argue the sky is pink with green spots if the OP had said it's blue.

You did nothing wrong. I hope your kids had a good time anyway.

I think you're right. And we had a lovely time thank you 😀 it's an impressive place

@ZairWazAnOldLady I do think it's quite impressive - particularly dependent on age - that the OP's boys waited politely. That is not often my experience at museums in the school holidays. But I take on board your point about relative ability and what may or may not have been possible for the girl.

I think the thing that puzzles me in this is the parent's role - and yes I have definitely been stressed beyond caring about any other families than my own during an outing, but that has always been judged as failure and caused extra stress and headache for the other adults in my own family too.

You are usually pretty sensible in your posts so what do you have to say about how the parent should manage these situations? As I said upthread I've always worked to help my DC move on after a reasonable turn and my own DC would have been utterly devastated and unable to cope if one child got the only turn and they got none.

Sorry, to be more clear - you attempted to police a disabled child's use of a museum exhibit, then you posted a thread here that stirred up other posters who have the "ASD is never an excuse" viewpoint.

Just stop seriously, the sky is red... We get it 🙂

I’m up for policing EVERYONE, NT and ND, who hog something intended for the general public to enjoy.

I completely disagree. It is not fair for one person to monopolise an exhibit.

👏👏👏

I'd be very interested in seeing this Dad react to another autistic child, perhaps mine who would attempt to use something someone else was already using, perhaps he'd be OK with me not using responses to prevent that? I suspect he'd suddenly have the opinion that turn taking does need to be discussed and developed where possible. I've never encountered parents of other autistic children being particularly receptive or patient about my child's presentation of autism and I've certainly not seen parents of NT children be anything but condescending about negatively perceived behaviour. When out in public it still seems to only be acceptable for children to be perfectly behaved, no matter what they might struggle with.