Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

@Conkersinautumn that was what I was wondering… if another nd had just gone in and started pressing buttons what would he have thought?

In a public place, people might not behave as you would like. So, if there's something I know my kids (one NT and one ND) especially want to do, then we get there super early, go very late or at another time when it will be quiet. If it's busy, we might not get to do everything we like.

Just...it's not worth getting that bothered about. Museums on the first rainy day of the holidays are the 3rd circle of hell (I'm NT and find our local kid friendly museum A Bit Much on some days) loads of people were probably annoying in some way, why make a big deal of it. If you're going to leave the house, the great british public will annoy everyone in some, often different, ways. Life's rich pageant, isn't it?

My son is autistic and has global development delay (so his behaviour is younger than expected at times)

If there's a sequence he would need to get to the end of the sequence so if it was a few minutes I would ask someone to wait until he finished. I would not make anyone wait 20 min tho. If he had been on a while i would tell him to finish that bit and come off.

It sounds like the dad's attitude got your back up maybe if he handled it better you would feel less aggrieved.

Indeed.

Turn taking also means not hogging an activity so that others don't get to have a turn. 20+ minutes is hogging.

I think we need to remember that the world isn't divided into ND and NT. ALL children are individual and ALL children find waiting their turn difficult. 20+ mins is long enough.

I've always worked to help my DC move on after a reasonable turn and my own DC would have been utterly devastated and unable to cope if one child got the only turn and they got none.

I think you have to let go of what your dc could do and assume the other parent knows what his dc can do. I’ll be honest my nt dc could wait and put up with minor unfairness and my nd dc who is possibly more impacted by their asd/communication difficulties than many could also stop and share if given the space to. Interestingly it would be FAR easier if the other parent asked if their child could have a turn than I tried to explain but we had particularly muddled language. OP thinks the guy was just being arsey saying that though and she was there.

Honestly I just don’t think you can see what the issue is. I could guess but it would be a guess.

I wish people understood how very very easy raising a nt child is compared to some nd children. How little sleep you get. How constant the drain on your patience and compassion. How very very very few moments you get to just look around. How rare it is to find something that your child loves.

Help if you can. Even if the parents are dicks (and some really are). Teach your children to be generous because they have so much. We’re not all dealt the same hand and we don’t all do brilliantly all the time.

It's so hard for parents of NT children to understand what parenting an NT child can be like.

The ND child who missed a turn was disappointed.

The NT child forced into a transition when they are already having a hard day might experience extreme mental distress. You have to understand OP that this distress can be the equivalent of how physical pain would feel for your child.

Yabu to potentially distress this child just so your NT child is not disappointed.

The dad was BU by being so rude, he could have explained it better.

The dad was BU by being so rude, he could have explained it better

its fucking torture having to constantly explain. I have a lanyard wrapped around my son’s disability buggy handle. It’s universally known enough, plus the fact a 6 year old is in a buggy (for his own safety) should explain enough

Go on then, good luck.

Point out what I said that was untrue, please?

Thanks hun 😘

So the overwhelming message seems to be that parents of neurotypical children should never ask if they can have a go on what looks like a fun piece of equipment as the kid hogging it might be autistic and it would be their fault if that child then became upset.

Oh and tell them how very very lucky they are to be NT and that they shouldn't be disappointed but should try and be more generous to the poor disabled child.

What a load of shit. No wonder there's so much disablism on Mumsnet.

Just realised I completely mixed up NT and ND in my previous post. Time for bed I think.

@Comefromaway there’s a piano at Stratford International, in case you’re ever looking for one in the area!

No yanbu at all. My autistic son would have been fuming waiting in line then not getting a turn. As I am sure any child would be. Poor parenting on the dads part for sure. Very entitled of him.

I would never allow my child to hog an activity for 20 minutes when there's a queue because I know how hard he struggles to wait and be patient himself, and there could be 10 of him in the queue waiting their turn. People are so entitled now. Yanbu op.

It’s very apparent reading the responses that the parents of children more able to conform to age appropriate nt behaviour are far less understanding than those with less able autistic children. In some cases it really reads like people think that you can just “parent” the autism out of the child if only you make enough effort and are so inclined.

I like the repeated use of 'hogging' here in relation to the behaviour of autistic children. It's a subtle but obvious indication of how people see them.

She did not do this :

“attempt to police a disabled child's use of a museum exhibit”

Nor is this thread best characterised as “stirring up other posters who have the ‘ASD is never an excuse’ viewpoint.”

Both accusations are gross and manipulative distortions of the situation.HTH.

The constant demands for infinite accommodations for neurodivergence by entitled assholes are going to lead to a massive backlash against ND people. I'm saying that as someone who is ND af with an equally ND family including DC. ND is not a get out of jail free card.

We have to live in the world alongside other people. YANBU OP. The dad however exhausted had a chance to teach their child to manage a transition. Instead he turned more people against ND people when he was just an entitled prick who doesn't want to parent.

I.do.think most people don't understand how broad the spectrum is and I find parents of children with autism and no.cognitive disabilities the worse for this they assume because their child acts a certain way all children with autism will As I said earlier my severely autistic13 year old is cognitively around 2/3 and has no concept of sharing and only has a very limited understanding of the world around him.
Thar i wouldn't take him.anywhere when its loud and busy its just too,much hard work and it's not fair on him.

I’m not sure it does.

If it was my seriously nd child who had waited for 20 minutes for a turn on something and was told he couldn’t have one he would have found that very difficult to manage/understand and it could well lead to a meltdown. He would definitely be enraged at them hogging the activity… he doesn’t think badly about nd people in general.

I know in this case the kids were nt, but I don’t think a blanket ‘nd child should not be moved because she has a right to special treatment and it is hard and distressing for her and dad’ really works in a busy place because other nd children with the same rights, the same parents on their last nerve and the same difficulties understanding will also be there.

Bullshit. I’m ND myself and my son is severely, he’s 8 and functions at the level of a 2 year old. Hogging is something done by anyone spending a long time on something when it’s clear someone else is waiting.
It’s ok, I’ll judge you too.

As a parent of a ND child, I couldn't agree more, I'm worried about the resentment that will simmer away in society.

At a theme park I was told by a parent with ND child we could basically skip the queue, when I said my child had no issues queueing they looked at me like why would I queue for so long if I had a choice not to. This attitude really bugs me.

The dad was rude, really no need to analyse further, those who are trying to explain away his behaviour are trying to justify theirs.

I feel for OP cos people hear autism & don't know how to react, As a parent of a ND child one thing I've learned is how individual each child is, just like NT kids.

Just cos my child is autistic doesn't mean I can relate to people with ND children. When I read these forums & ASD comes up I can't identify with many of the strategies people put in place to make their day go as smooth as possible.

I might get told I'm lucky now despite my child having no friends & attending occupational therapy, speech & language & requiring extra support in school & those people are right we are lucky there are no significant behavioural issues to deal with.