Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

Turn taking means you wait your turn, not someone else gives up there’s for you.

I’m not sure I’d send the message to my daughter that she needs to make way for boys who just can’t wait or find something else to do in the interim, or that them wanting a turn overrides her already using it.

Well yes, most people know that. It’s clear in this case that the OP feels her children’s needs trump the disabled child’s needs. It’s clear the father in question feels his disabled child’s needs trump OPs needs. It’s often the case (in my experience) that people are less tolerant of a disability that they cannot see and while OP can’t be expected to understand the ins and outs of this child’s autism I wonder if the real issue is that she can’t imagine how a child cannot be able to comply with basic give and take. Autism can be very baffling to the ignorant. It’s fairly baffling to some of us who aren’t.

Not sure about trumping this and that. OP and her dc have already waited 20 mins. That is enough special accommodation.

Nah. Turn taking means you learn to take turns, that’s both give and take. You wait your turn, because you expect others to give it to you when they’ve had theirs. It’s a rule/
principle based on reciprocity. You absolutely do need to teach your daughter this, regardless of her or anyone else’s sex. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don't think you was out of line OP, but I'm trying to bring my dc with ASD to be the best version of themselves they can be.

There is a big section of parents who totally submit their child's ASD especially if it's PDA.

I don't think there is right or wrong way to parent ASD kids but I do this way for a easy life as I don't want to be abused primarily by them as they grow up.

However this man was rude, aggressive and imo ( flame me) give us all SEN parents a bad name.

The more I submit to my PDA child the more other people tell me she is rude and entitled. My dd isn't stupid and she can learn. That can be safely and within her comfort zone.

I fully belive ASD AND also being a arsehole isn't mutually exclusive. He could have chosen to explain to you nicely but he didn't.

He very clearly understood that the OP's children were waiting to use the exhibit and had been for some time. He wasn't confused, he was a prick.

And what would your excuse be for being rude?

It’s often the case (in my experience) that people are less tolerant of a disability that they cannot see and while OP can’t be expected to understand the ins and outs of this child’s autism I wonder if the real issue is that she can’t imagine how a child cannot be able to comply with basic give and take

Absolutely this. Nobody would dream of making comments about the physically disabled that have been made about autistic children on this thread. If they did, they’d be banned. Rightly so.

How do you know it’s enough though? You have absolutely no idea what is a reasonable adjustment because you don’t know the people involved.

It is enough adjustment, more than to an NT kid. No one person trumps the other in a public place. It is a reasonable compromise.

How do you know it’s enough though? You have absolutely no idea what is a reasonable adjustment because you don’t know the people involved.

They obviously think autistic children ought to be held to the same standards as neurotypical children. Imagine being that ignorant and showing it off as though its something to be proud of.

Nah, I’m good thanks.

Same as yours😆

Imagine being that ignorant and showing it off as though its something to be proud of

No need to imagine, we can just read this absolute fuckwitted toilet of a thread.

You are projecting and extrapolating wildly. It is a lower standard than NT but enough in a public place.

I don’t think so… just read some of the wheelchairs on busses threads.

You are projecting and extrapolating wildly. It is a lower standard than NT but enough in a public place.

Hmm?

This 100%! Most balanced post on this thread

Turn taking means when you have finished your turn, someone else gets a go.
This child was still having her turn. She was using an apparently detailed exhibit covering information about every part of the human body. That's a lot of information, and she was still in the middle of it.

It doesn't seem to have really been an issue for the OP's children to wait, or use a different exhibit. They just wanted the one that was in use.

Really? You're also upset by people talking about kids with ASD and their parents like they're lesser people/terrible parents? Could have fooled me. For how much autistic people are stereotyped as lacking empathy, they sure don't fucking get much do they?

My son has autism and I would never allow this kind of behaviour it's no excuse you can still try and teach your child the importance of manners and taking turns.
My son is 6 and knows to say please thank you and turn taking.
Yes it can be hard when they get fixated and can lead to meltdowns but that becomes our problem as the parent not for someone else to miss out on an experience.
The dad was being a twat I suspect he also didn't want to deal with the possible meltdown which in public at times can become very stressful when you have strangers watching on and staring.

When it is a SHARED item that is meant to be enjoyed by ALL you can not simply hog it for as long as you desire. Turn taking on a shared item is having a go ad then moving on to allow the next person their turn after a reasonable period of time. It is a basic skill and fair expectation.

Turn taking means when you have finished your turn, someone else gets a go.
This child was still having her turn.

But in a shared space there has to be some give and take - it’s not fair for one person’s turn to go on indefinitely. 20 minutes seems a long time to monopolise an activity; it’s not as though she was being moved on after 30 seconds. Of course it’s reasonable for someone with disabilities to need a bit more time (and I’m sure OP had no issue with that), but there comes a point at which the parent needs to step in and let someone else have a go if the child can’t or won’t.

you can still try and teach your child the importance of manners and taking turns

I got my nose broken once because there were no blue glo sticks in a packet. I’ve also had concussion and been pushed down the stairs (broken wrist). Not every autistic child can learn to do this, or perform it reliably 100% of the time. Yours can - good for you. You don’t speak for them all.

I never said any of those things. You must have mistaken me for someone else. There is quite a lot of projecting from some posters on this thread. Happy to bow out of this particular discussion as it is not really going anywhere.