Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

"Let's face it, the comments here carry an undertone of 'if your disabled children can't behave like our neurotypical children, don't let them out.'"

Or, perhaps worse: "If your profoundly autistic child can't behave like my aspie child, don't let them out".

Oh sorry, is that offensive? 🙄

Trained! Yes trained. Like toilet training, which children don’t always understand but get the hang of over time. Have you got autistic kids?

yes I had to train my child to understand when to give other kids a go

Just like I had to train him to
speak
eat
sleep
shit

recognise that inanimate objects don’t have feelings
to smile back at people
not to bark as a greeting
not to smear food on the wall

don’t come at me with your whingeing about semantics. Having an autistic child is extremely difficult and there are times when you end up training them over and over again just to do the stuff that comes relatively naturally to everybody else.

Haha well sure, when they are small you can pick them up. Not the same when they get bigger.

Haven't RTFT but I had to prise DS off things when younger, knowing a meltdown would ensue. It sucks and I have been on my knees before/on the knife edge/waiting to be judged/grateful for a moment's peace.
I also lived in a country where it was first come first served and nobody seemed to take turns - in fact my friend said I had to lose the Britishness!
but
I do have a sense of fair play/justice - so does DS in fairness to him - so had we spent 20 minutes on something and I knew others were waiting, I would have moved on I think.
Unless the other parent was sighing, side-eyeing, being passive-aggressive the whole time, in which case I'd probably add another 5 minutes on because I'm petty like that! Had my kid had to wait themselves half an hour, I'd probably give them the same time on the thing they'd waited for but would have let you know he's going to be on it until [insert time].

OP was trying to avoid upsetting her children, the Dad was trying to avoid upsetting his.

Sometimes people act like dicks when they're frazzled. By frazzled, of course we mean stressed, but you can't take time off parenting because of parenting related stress like you can with work and work related stress.

Yep

"OP was trying to avoid upsetting her children, the Dad was trying to avoid upsetting his."

Do you know that disabled people are legally entitled to 'special' treatment? Not equal treatment. Special treatment that adjusts services to meet the needs that arise from their disability.

The child just needed a bit more time. You'd think her dad was asking for the moon. How fucking dare he advocate for his kid. Worst dad in the fucking world!

I suppose so… I do that too (silently think that people could help rather than stare) but it would upset my son if someone else spoke to him in that situation so I would never suggest someone else intervene with him!

I see you are making excuses. Sure, that could be the case. Except, he did not do it in the heat of the moment. He presumably would have already removed his dd from the exhibit to go to make the complaint. He went all the way to try and put OP in her place. Dick.

This

This is the first thread on MN where the parents of autistic kids are behaving worse than the parents of NT kids. Bravo OP!

Tbh OP I probably wouldn't have even asked. I would have just kept coming back and checking to see if the girl had moved on.

If I had asked, I would have understood that it can be very difficult to move an autistic child on from something. Sometimes even with lots of planning, support and modelling, a situation can go tits up. Sometimes you know that you are on the cusp of a meltdown and it's just safer to not rock the boat.

Sometimes you have the energy to be understanding and explain and be patient. Other times you don't and can't be arsed with yet another person thinking that you're doing something wrong by supporting and advocating for your child.

I think just chalk this up to experience OP

To an NT person, yes. There is a high liklihood that the Dad is also Autistic and didn't pick up on that. He interpreted the question literally and answered it literally. It would also explain why he was unable to see the situation from OP's point of view and was singularly focused on meeting his own child's needs, instead of conforming to unwritten social rules re not monopolising the exhibits.

@cyncope your take is just not it.

Of course there is a recognised social norm that one person/ child doesn’t hog an exhibit/ activity in a public space for too long when other people are waiting. Same in a playground. That’s just how it works. There doesn’t need to be a specific time limit on every activity for that to be managed . All it requires is for people to have basic levels of curtesy and consideration for others. Obviously young children can’t always be expected to manage that which is why it is up to their parents to intervene.

Making excuses, as though it was something I did? 🤣

OP's not exactly great either of course, trying to police a disabled child using a museum exhibit and then coming here to stir up the usual "ASD is never an excuuuse".

And her toddler doesn’t even have SEN! Right little monster that child is going to grow up to be…

Of course there is a recognised social norm that one person/ child doesn’t hog an exhibit/ activity in a public space for too long when other people are waiting. Same in a playground. That’s just how it works.

Again, this is not necessarily obvious to ND people. You are taking it for granted that every adult understands unwritten social rules and has the capacity to model them for their kids. One of the most challenging aspects of Autism is that everyone expects you to know "that's just how it works" when actually social norms and the rules of "polite" behaviour are utterly bewildering to some ND people.

I have a child with ASD and last time we visited a museum we sat on the floor in a quiet, fairly hidden part of the museum for 20 mins because he was so wound up by the noise and busyness.

My son is 10, so not age appropriate behaviour. At the time, I was so concerned with keeping him safe and regulating him, that his wellbeing trumped any passers-bys.

Maybe this dad was being a dick. Maybe he was trying to navigate through a tough situation. Maybe he is still grieving that his child doesn't 'cope' like others.

All I know being a parent of af a child with ASD is bloody hard.

How would the OP have known the girl was autistic if OP didn't ask the dad if her children can have a turn.

Yes I can understand that the Dad might have been ND and not understood that. (Or maybe he was NT and knew full well but just a lazy/ selfish dick).
However. I was responding to a poster who was arguing that regardless of disability OP had no right to expect them to move on as there was no time limit on the exhibition and therefore OP was the one being unreasonable and selfish.

I wouldn't have asked at all, additional needs isn't a factor. If there's plenty of other things to be doing, I would have directed my child to those things.

In fairness, my ds would have been very vocal in his displeasure so no-one would be in any doubt he wanted a turn.

I take the view that, if the child has additional needs which is why they are hogging an activity, wherever possible, I'd rather they had the extra time. If the child and parent are just entitled, I'm unlikely to get the result I want without some confrontation which I can't be arsed with.

So eitherway, there isn't much to be gained.

Ok @Wenfy, I get that the perceived confrontation in that situation could be very upsetting to your DD. Sometimes I struggle with reading judgement into tone where it doesn't actually exist, and then I feel even worse once I realise my misunderstanding. It can definitely spiral and I'm an adult. I wouldn't intentionally provoke that reaction.

But, I'm really curious that you think it is entitled to want the opportunity for a turn at an event or attraction? And about how you navigate what to teach your DC if you think turn taking is not a necessity of life?

For instance, if my DS, who has additional needs and is probably autistic, was there he would have been super into that kind of science-y interactive exhibit, would have been looking forward to it, would have probably researched it and been keen to try it out before we got there. He would have been struggling to hold himself back from asking for a turn in his excitement, but he probably would have had some success because we've worked really hard on learning about patience and turn taking and why they are important. We talk about respecting the other person's turn and their enjoyment, so that they will respect ours.

He would have been devastated if you refused to facilitate a turn after 20+ minutes of waiting. We might well have had to go home in that situation. I would have been furious with you for being so entitled as to think that your DD or your toddler deserved unlimited private use of the facility to the detriment of everyone else in a public space. I would have been furious that you thought her additional needs trumped the needs of any other disabled or ND person in attendance.

Let me write in full sentences. I understand there are people who are slower to get the gist of things, even though it is in context.

Making excuses for the dad's behaviour ... there you go.

It’s a public space that is meant to be shared. Why should one child (or one adult) monopolise one activity and other children miss out, when the obviously fair and considerate thing to do is for them all to take a turn?

Why do they OP’s children have to be the ones who miss out entirely because ‘that’s life sometimes’ while the other kid gets what they want?

The fact that one child is autistic doesn’t mean that they get to have everything they want while other children have to go without.