Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

I have 2 autistic children. They struggle with turn taking, especially when something they are really fixated on. However, as their parent I have consideration for others and my children's autism doesn't trump anyone else also being considered. This sort of scenario I would set a timer on my phone so they can see they can have xx minutes. Then they must do something else. They are welcome to return if everyone else has had their turn or rejoin the queue. If/when they meltdown then that's our issue, not anyone else's.

The dad is an entitled twit.

I have a daughter on the spectrum and I would never allow her to monopolies an exhibit like this. Very unfair on everyone else I think the dad was BU probably to avoid a meltdown but she can't stay on it forever so he was going to have to get her off it at some stage

I would have told my son to give your children a turn. (And I have). Autistic Ds was and still is obsessed with playing the piano. The only way he managed on our annual London trip was to make regular trips to the public pianos in Euston (used to be one in Tottenham Court Road). He would stay on there for ages but if someone else was waiting to play I would give him warning then I would make him let them have a turn.

When he was very little he had an obsession with trains and again I have made him give other children a turn on train related things. It's not easy but yu have to be considerate to others too.

Was there not a sign up saying to only spend a certain time? It's so much easier to get them to read that and explain why but yes I would have moved my autistic kid on.

I have a child with autism/PDA. I would never allow him to monopolise either. I would have explained other people were waiting and given him a time warning, eg 2 more minutes. It's people like this dad who give autistic families a bad name. 😞

I’d give the guy a break… I think life is hard enough with an autistic child. Your children will quickly move on.

I agree with @Mumofsend and @Dulra I have two with asd and one with no sen needs and would set timers/let them know verbally that they would soon be moving on to allow others to have a turn.

We avoid these sorts of places as they’re unusually too busy and it’s difficult to do any interactive activity without other people jostling to have a go, which is overwhelming.

If ds got stuck on an activity and it was clear there was a queue we’d do our best to move him on, but this could induce a meltdown which other people love to get judgey about.

In a quiet place I’d be more inclined to let him spend a bit more time absorbed in the activity.

Whatever my experience though I don’t think it’s worth getting angry over this. At the end of the day this might be the only peace the parent of this child has had for a long time, and I’d be happy to prolong that.

My son struggled with turn taking too, and I agree with @Mumofsend - his autism doesn't give him a free pass to do as he likes, even though it makes for a much easier life for a parent. Similarly he's not always going to win a tombola prize, or his favourite ice hockey team win every match. The ice cream van isn't always in a particular spot either, and he's eventually learned to cope with disappointment.

Autistic mum of two autistic children here. I would have moved my kids on, I wouldn't let them hog an activity. The dad was entitled and rude.

You should have gone and asked a member of staff to get them to move on though.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I do feel he was an entitled tw*t as someone said but angry is probably the wrong word for me to have used for how I was feeling . But I was a bit shook after it though, in part i think because I was questioning myself.

And I get that this might have been a rare moment of peace, but I think it was the dismissiveness of his attitude. I asked politely, I don't think the same in return is expecting too much.

My son is autistic and teaching him to share and take turns is an important social skill for us. Yes you would need to be patient initially and give them time without hurrying them, but I would expect the father to then prompt his child and teach her to wait and let another child have a turn.

It's a shame that he's missed the opportunity to help her practice these skills.

Some parents have rubbish social skills too unfortunately, let it go x

But there was no reason for me to involve staff (well not initially anyway). I politely asked if they would be much longer. A polite response to that or my follow on question would have led to a far different outcome.

Autistic people often do struggle with the concept of taking turns and sharing, but that's not a reason for them to monopolise a public exhibit like that.

So no, you weren't out of line, but when it became clear he wasn't leaving, I would have tried to find a member of staff to intervene rather than try and carry on talking to someone like him.

I was thinking that but I'm also aware I have no clue really as to the challenges of parenting an autistic child - I have let it go but always good to reflect on my own behaviour in situations I found difficult!

He beat me to that one

If it was an adult using an exhibit and you wanted a go, would you have told them to move?

I don't think autism is particularly relevant to this. Person A was using something and hadn't finished with it. You had the rest of the museum to look round. It might have been disappointing for your child not to get what they wanted but that's life sometimes.

Once you'd asked the dad if they'd be long and he said yes, you should have just accepted it and moved on rather than keeping on at him and then finding him again to have another go! Just leave people be.

Well.first of all.autism.is a huge spectrum and not all.children with autism have the cognitive ability to understand taking turns .t sob is 13_and severely autistic and cognitively around 2/3 so he wouldn't understand why he's not allowed to stay on something
That said I would only take him.somewhere like this if it was likely to.be very quiet .and there were not big crowds

My son*

Probably not, but just like this father I was attempting to avoid disappointment for the children with me. Who clearly, as evidenced by waiting 20 minutes in a space full of interesting things to do, were really keen to experience this particular thing

And I didn't go looking for him, we passed each other as he returned from apparently reporting me to management.

What? Her kids were as entitled as this kid to have a go.

I agree that this was nothing to do with autism. This bloke was using autism as a shield.

I have an autistic child.

But that kid was on it first. Sometimes you have to wait for things. Sometimes you don't get a turn even if you are entitled.
If it's a first come, first served system with no time limit then the child using the exhibit was perfectly entitled to do so until they were finished.
Can't believe there was genuinely nothing else of interest in the whole museum the OP's children couldn't have used.

Both my children have ASD. Yes it may upset the child to have to move on and it’s not fun to deal with as a parent, but turn taking and manners must still apply. He was out of line imo. Having autistic children doesn’t give you a right to just please yourself in a public space

I have 2 children with autism and to me, this isn’t about this girl having autism, but about her dad choosing to not parent her effectively and being selfish. Most parents of children with additional needs including autism don’t behave like that, although it can be hard at times and I’ve had to leave plenty of places earlier than expected, or upset and stressed out or both, because my youngest especially has struggled, including with moving on from an activity or similar when the time was up.

So you wanted the father to upset his child, because your child didn't want to wait or do something else?
Sounds like it was a good learning opportunity for your children to be honest.