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Original poster

Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

261 replies

Flounder2022 · 24/07/2023 16:33

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 24/07/2023 18:16

I cant really comment re the autism /exhibit lenghth of time reasonableness but I cant work out why you didnt communicate a bit more and try work out a system for letting you know his daughter was done.

Vinvertebrate · 24/07/2023 18:17

However, there are also a lot of dicks who see autistic people as lesser humans who are simply an inconvenience to them and their precious offspring. So, a lot of people will tell you the dad was an awful person

This. And the OP is yet another MN ablist dog whistle.

fwiw I have an autistic child, would have tried to move him on, but if he wasn’t having it, I wouldn’t have risked a meltdown because I don’t want to risk dis-regulation and ensuing violence.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/07/2023 18:18

@Flounder I get your concern here 100%. You were shaken up because you were worried that you'd been ableist without realising. Well no, you definitely were not ableist FlowersGin

whatevss · 24/07/2023 18:19

@Vinvertebrate

Whole thread's a fucking cesspit.

babayhaga · 24/07/2023 18:19

HaPPy8 · 24/07/2023 16:41

I’d give the guy a break… I think life is hard enough with an autistic child. Your children will quickly move on.

100%

Lwrenagain · 24/07/2023 18:19

Quite honestly I just don't take my autistic son to places he'll become fixated with certain things and just want to spend all day doing the same thing. I don't think it's fair on the other kids, but equally makes me sad he misses out.
But his comprehension and compromising aren't good enough to put him or other little ones in that position.
My little one would refuse to move off those character cars outside supermarkets etc, or if we go the farm he'll refuse to get off the tractor toys etc, so we just avoid them at busy times. Sometimes places have asd sessions and it's even worse because more kids want the one same thing on a loop and it's just a clusterfuck 😂

The thing with autism being such a massive spectrum, is if we had labels such as, "just a bit shy and likes retro comics" to, "may need to be restrained by 9 trained staff members to stop them breaking the necks of everyone in the vicinity unless they're able to spot 13 red Honda civics enroute", you really don't know how bad the meltdown will be.

This little girl may be impossible to reason with, she may have just had a lazy entitled twat of a dad.

I would have moved my son, yes, but equally, I do understand that he's probably just burnt the hell out on first week summer holidays, he's probably had a lot of meltdowns with the changes in her routine etc, so many parents of extremely challenging ASD kids are just on their last battery bar.
I see it lots in fb groups etc, parents begging for some respite or something to just give them a day off being battered or being up all night with their kids, to be told "nothing we can do".

Hope this helps, because it's not really as cut and dry for some parents.

bryceQ · 24/07/2023 18:20

@whatevss

I don't really understand your statement, the OP didn't specify she wanted experiences of 14 year olds. Obviously I can only speak about my child at the age he is now, I'm sure I will be parenting differently if my son is 14 compared to 4... That's the case across all areas of his life.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/07/2023 18:20

WelshNerd · 24/07/2023 17:32

What is the acceptable time for a child to be interacting with the displays please?

They were waiting twenty minutes!

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/07/2023 18:22

Vinvertebrate · 24/07/2023 18:17

However, there are also a lot of dicks who see autistic people as lesser humans who are simply an inconvenience to them and their precious offspring. So, a lot of people will tell you the dad was an awful person

This. And the OP is yet another MN ablist dog whistle.

fwiw I have an autistic child, would have tried to move him on, but if he wasn’t having it, I wouldn’t have risked a meltdown because I don’t want to risk dis-regulation and ensuing violence.

How the HELL is OP being ableist? That's such a massive stretch that you could've won gold at the Olympics!

Clymene · 24/07/2023 18:22

Vinvertebrate · 24/07/2023 18:17

However, there are also a lot of dicks who see autistic people as lesser humans who are simply an inconvenience to them and their precious offspring. So, a lot of people will tell you the dad was an awful person

This. And the OP is yet another MN ablist dog whistle.

fwiw I have an autistic child, would have tried to move him on, but if he wasn’t having it, I wouldn’t have risked a meltdown because I don’t want to risk dis-regulation and ensuing violence.

No she isn't. She's asking parents of autistic children. That's not a dog whistle, it's a conversation

allswellthatends · 24/07/2023 18:23

As the parent of a child with MLD and ASD, I agree with all the PP. Yes, it's totally unreasonable of them to leave you and your child waiting so long and even more so for the dad to be rude. The dad should have moved his child on at some point, tantrums or no. But... yes, there are times when it's just be a horrible day or week with my child and I just can't deal with any more tantrums from him... and possibly have a small tantrum of my own... So please don't take it personally

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/07/2023 18:24

@Gerrataere Saying you will not consider moving your child at all and they can stay there all day if they want is stinking entitlement and piss poor parenting.

THIS!!!!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I wouldn't dream of behaving like this man with Autistic DD!

blueshoes · 24/07/2023 18:25

Guy is a dick. Just because his dd is autistic (you only have his word) does not make him any less of a dick. And to report you to management, serious eye roll there. Did he expect them to come down on you with police to arrest you FFS.

What is dick.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 24/07/2023 18:25

@Flounder2022 why didn’t you ask the child yourself when he suggested that?

Timeisallwehave · 24/07/2023 18:25

In my experience even if I told my child and “forced” her as best as I can (which is difficult) she would spend the rest of the time your child is using the exhibit screaming and trying to get back on it. In such a way that it then becomes no longer fun for anyone including your child.

I would of made my child take turns but definitely would of interrupted your experiences regardless

whatevss · 24/07/2023 18:27

@bryceQ

I was trying to remind you that you may not always be in the relatively comfortable position you are now. Perhaps you, and the other parents of autistic children on this thread, should think about the kind of filthy sentiments and rhetoric your comments are encouraging here. One day, you might be classed as the "lowest form of parent" for trying to meet your child's needs.

Usernameunknownfornow · 24/07/2023 18:28

As a mother with a child with autism, I don't have this problem yet of my child not wanting to take turns however i wouldn't feel entitled and state "my child can stay as long as they want", just because my child has autism. I understand how difficult it is to raise a child with autism but I have to be realistic and when I am in public be civil to people.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 24/07/2023 18:30

cyncope · 24/07/2023 17:20

And they replied they would be long.

But the OP wasn't satisfied by that, because when she asked will you be long, she meant she wanted them to move.

Show quote history

Well yes, "will you be long?" means "please hurry up as I'm waiting and you've had long enough."

bryceQ · 24/07/2023 18:30

I'm not sure I'm in a comfortable position with a non speaking autistic child who struggles with every area of daily life and we have no family support.

I didn't think I was encouraging any comments, I just said I would move my son on if he had been using an item for 20 minutes and other children were waiting. I would try to transition him away and then we would come back after the girl had finished.

Original poster
Flounder2022 · 24/07/2023 18:32

AlfietheSchnauzer · 24/07/2023 18:18

@Flounder I get your concern here 100%. You were shaken up because you were worried that you'd been ableist without realising. Well no, you definitely were not ableist FlowersGin

Thank you! Some of the comments have been hard to read, but those that didn't agree with me but took the time to reply constructively, it's much appreciated

OP posts:
zurala · 24/07/2023 18:33

This thread reminds me a bit of when I took my kids to the circus. Me and my children are all autistic, but we were also taught manners and we do our best to be considerate of others. A child sitting behind us was kicking our seats repeatedly and for a really long time. So I turned around and asked him nicely to stop. His mum went ballistic at me, "he's autistic you can't talk to him, he can kick seats if he wants to, who do you think you are" etc. Like a firework going off.
She clearly felt that "he's autistic" was a trump card I could not counter.

So I told her we were all autistic and he was going to cause a meltdown in us if he didn't stop kicking our seats.

She stopped him doing it then, but didn't stop bitching about us the entire show! My kids were a bit upset by it but I thought it was pretty hilarious so managed to help them laugh about it instead.

Being autistic is not a licence to be a selfish antisocial dick in public. I wish "autism moms" would get that memo because they are giving autistic people like me a bad name.

Curlyhairedassasin · 24/07/2023 18:34

However, there are also a lot of dicks who see autistic people as lesser humans who are simply an inconvenience to them and their precious offspring. So, a lot of people will tell you the dad was an awful person

THIS!

Original poster
Flounder2022 · 24/07/2023 18:34

ZairWazAnOldLady · 24/07/2023 18:25

@Flounder2022 why didn’t you ask the child yourself when he suggested that?

Because I don't think he meant it in good faith. I really don't.

OP posts:
whatevss · 24/07/2023 18:34

Op still hasn't told us whether the man's daughter was non-verbal and/or intellectually disabled.

But the question they posed wasn't a dog whistle.

Numerous posters are implying that these children shouldn't be allowed out in society because they're not polite enough.

But the thread isn't ableist.

Gerrataere · 24/07/2023 18:34

whatevss · 24/07/2023 18:27

@bryceQ

I was trying to remind you that you may not always be in the relatively comfortable position you are now. Perhaps you, and the other parents of autistic children on this thread, should think about the kind of filthy sentiments and rhetoric your comments are encouraging here. One day, you might be classed as the "lowest form of parent" for trying to meet your child's needs.

Meeting your child’s needs isn’t putting them in situations where they may end up having a severe meltdown. That’s not fair on them and it’s not fair to blame other parents for it happening just because they want their children to have experiences as well. Of course the daughter in the op should be entitled to use the exhibit but there were so many ways to preempt this whole situation that is on the parents. Saying to other parents that it’s just tough their children have to miss out is completely out of line.

Meltdowns happen, it’s horrible when they do because it’s not fair on the child. In that situation yes sod what everyone else around you thinks. But going anywhere with the thought that you will not make compromises for anyone else for your own ease is shit. It’s not even keeping the child and their disability in mind.