Parents of a child with autism- I'd value your feedback

[Flounder2022]

Sorry this ended up longer than I expected!

I was at an interactive museum today with my son and his friend. They really wanted to experience one exhibit that a little girl was on - it involved a large screen with touch points that took you through the entire human body. It was quite detailed so lots to see but could only be used by one person at a time. The waited patiently for a good while- 10 mins initially. They then decided to go to another screen close by and returned about 3/4 mins later and again waited. All in all we waited approx 20 mins. It was clear we were waiting for that particular one as it was in a little room of its own and we waited at the door. Eventually I asked the dad is they would be much longer to which he replied yes most likely. I asked if there was any way we could have a turn for a few minutes. He said no as she had autism and wanted to stay on it. He then said I could say it to her if I wanted but that he wouldn't be forcing her to move.

I told him I wouldn't not be saying it to her as she was not my child nor was I asking him to force her but maybe he could have a conversation with her. I'll admit my back was up by this point, not because of what he said but how he said it. He was so rude and dismissive. (the above is not the entirety of the conversation but the main jist of it.)

He then told me he was going to speak to management about me and walked off. We left the area then as waiting any longer was futile. Shortly afterwards I saw him re-enter the area (I have no idea if he spoke to staff). I approached him and said that had he acknowledged our presence, that he was aware we were waiting and explained that they might be there a while we could have moved on. He said we should have done so anyway as his child was entitled to spend as long as she wished on the exhibit. I told him consideration for others (from him) was not too much to ask.

Was I out of line here? I'm very aware that he angered me a lot with his attitude and the dismissive way he spoke to me that I may not be clearly seeing the situation.

Thanks!

I don't disagree with you, I shouldn't have said anything more (but just to say his child was not with him, I wouldn't have said anything further if she was).

My son has asd with pda and severe ADHD- the dad wasn’t bothered about his daughter, I’d put money on the fact he just didn’t want to deal with her having a meltdown if he moved her. He should go at a quieter time, he can’t just expect to monopolise an exhibit so he can have an easy life.

Should he have encouraged her to try something else? Of course. And I’ll bet any other day of the week he would have. But maybe today she was onto her fourth meltdown already and this was buying him a bit of peace and he lashed out at the wrong person. Maybe he’s had a few parents making comments and he’s fed up of making apologies for his daughter taking up space in this very neurotypical world. I’ve been there. Not proud of it, but sometimes I just think fuck it, you get to go home with your mildly disappointed children and have a normal evening. If I move my son, I’ll spend the rest of the night dealing with another meltdown and I just. Can’t. Handle. It. Today.

Or maybe he’s an inconsiderate tosser. No way to tell, really.

There was no time limit. His child can use it for aslong as she likes. He revealed she had autism and wouldn’t be moving any time soon. The OP was the one that then got in a huff.

How was this father not to know that the OPs children may also have been autistic and were fixated on going on this exhibit?

I don't think your question is helpful, because it invites posters with autistic children to criticise this father without considering whether his child had a speech or a learning disability.

I have an autistic daughter with language and without a learning disability, who would have moved straight on, no problem. She wouldn't need asking twice; she wouldn't need asking at all.

I also have an autistic son who's non verbal and has a severe learning disability. He takes longer to process things, so additional time here would be a reasonable adjustment. He also weighs 11 stones and has broken my bones during meltdowns. If he really wants to stay somewhere, no one is moving him without risking serious injury. If you pressured me to move him on before he was ready in this particular situation, I'd be pretty unhappy about that.

Parents of children like the former shouldn't be asked for an opinion about the latter. They usually know fuck all about them.

Which group do you reckon this guy's daughter belonged to?

As did the OPs children.

Im all for making adjustments but there is a line. Having a stinking entitlement and using your child’s autism to justify it is the lowest type of parenting to be honest, I hope the man does better in future.

Im on the ops side here.

So what if my disabled child had waited 20 minutes because they loved that exhibit? Does only your child’s disability count?

I've two autistic children and I would have made them let yours have a turn .
They might have a disability but they've got to learn the world doesn't revolve around them 🤷‍♀️

What difference would it make if the OP's children were autistic?

Sounds like he’s doing a great job already to be fair. He stuck up for his daughter, he’s took her to the museum for a day out, she was happy. What more could he want for his child that has a disability.

Yeah, fuck everyone else right? Sod their kids being taken out to the museum to enjoy the activities. This was a magical moment for him and his daughter. I mean ffs why didn’t they just shut down the whole place for them both?

My son is 4.5 he would have no concept of someone else wanting it, he would be very troubled to move on and try to attack me to show me this, however I wouldn't allow him to monopolise something at the expense of other kids. Even if that resulted in him being upset

pretty much yeh…. She was on 1 exhibit…. They had the rest of the building to explore… get over it and move on. It was free, there’s no time limit.
Don’t like it then speak to the staff about making the exhibits timed.

It’s hard for your autistic kid yeah but you have to train them to some extent. My son was terrible. Eventually he got the message! Guy was a dick

Train then? They are not fucking dogs.

There are some amazing people on mumsnet who really know their stuff when it comes to Autism. However, there are also a lot of dicks who see autistic people as lesser humans who are simply an inconvenience to them and their precious offspring. So, a lot of people will tell you the dad was an awful person.

"Im all for making adjustments but there is a line. Having a stinking entitlement and using your child’s autism to justify it is the lowest type of parenting to be honest, I hope the man does better in future."

Are you for real? Making adjustments for a child's disability and asking others to do the same, is the "lowest type of parenting"? I've heard it all now.

Please what difference does that make to ‘my child has autism so fuck you’ parents? They’ll just insist the rules don’t apply to them.. sorry I mean their children.

Yeah he's bang out of order. My DD has Autism and doesn't even need to be told when it comes to turn taking (sharing her toys on the other hand.....!) BUT if she did need to be told, I would've moved her on the moment anyone else appeared. If she realllllly wanted to continue on it, she could wait for another turn like everyone else.

Turn taking is a really important skill for kids with ASD to learn, especially as they might not pick up the social cues- people hovering etc. I would have moved DC on or set a time limit. We work really hard on this stuff and the world not revolving around their special interests. The dad sounds like an idiot.

From your perspective though I would have just walked away and done something else and come back after lunch or something. Parenting autistic kids can be bloody hard work and they may have collectively had a terrible day up to that point, or he doesn't know how to manage out and about, or he's just an arsehole and you're not going to gain anything from the engagement anyway.

"My son is 4.5 he would have no concept of someone else wanting it, he would be very troubled to move on and try to attack me to show me this, however I wouldn't allow him to monopolise something at the expense of other kids. Even if that resulted in him being upset"

Come back when he's 14 and a half and can knock you clean out. Then tell us about what you will and won't "allow" him to do.

No, not making adjustments. Making an adjustment is saying ‘I’m sorry X has autism and has difficulty moving on from something she’s engrossed in. Would you mind giving us 5-10 minutes whilst I gently start moving her on to something else?’.

Saying you will not consider moving your child at all and they can stay there all day if they want is stinking entitlement and piss poor parenting.