Is my child a psychopath?

[Cindertoffebuns]

I have 4 kids. All girls
They have adhd and we do our very best to manage this in a variety of different ways. We are very firm at home.

Today they went to a holiday club. DD 2 picked a ball up and threw it at DD 3 hurting her. Apparently this was before a game had started. She then didn’t bother to say sorry or check if she was ok ect. Just thought it would be a laugh to hurt her and run off. She is 10. Sister is 8.

Asking if she is likely a psychopath as she didn’t stop and check and she’s going into year 6 this year, that’s not normal is it.
For context she is the child that is the most mean spirited out of all of them. Always has to take things too far or ruin the day by hurting somebody.
She does have autism but can’t see this as an excuse tbh. Day 1 of the summer holidays and I could have relied on her to ruin them.
I know that sounds mean but I’m exasperated and her sisters are starting to really feel the impact of having to be around her so much.
The rest of us are so nice, why is she so mean spirited?

Hey OP,

I totally get it but I am 99.9% sure your DD is not on track to develop such a serious thing.

I will admit that having anxiety, I have googled signs of such things in even younger kids! As my middle son is quite a handful with this type of behaviour.

I think the reason it's so scary is because the actual "signs" of such things are actually relatively vague but it's the context, the severity and the scope of the negative behaviours that make it a thing. I guarantee you a 10 year old being badly behaved and outwardly displaying no regard does not meet that criteria.

If it helps, and I am by no means an expert, I have found that being outwardly oversensitive towards these behaviours just makes them worse, and calm, consistent repercussions as well as modelling empathetic behaviour really helps.

Every school report dd3 has ever had has said the same thing. Infectious smile, lights up a room, such a delight ect. People mention it often

Yes but you’ve got a child who everyone showers with praise. If that doesn’t trigger sibling rivalry (in a sibling same gender/similar age) then what will? Why are you calling her mean spirited and a psychopath ?

I don't think you can be a selective psychopath. If she's good with animals and with her youngest sister, those are counter examples to the psychopath notion. Sometimes people live up or live down to expectations. Maybe she's too intense and sensitive to do the whole 'always happy and lights up a room with her smile' thing but there will be something she's great at. Find out what it is and tell her.

Well if she is then so is my 9 year old DS. Is it just her sister she would do that to? And would she hurts animals. If the answers are yes and no then she's probably not!

I’m not calling her a psychopath I’m asking if she could be 🫣 because she can be challenging and it’s natural (by the sounds of it) to wonder these things. I’m not calling her a psychopath. I called her mean spirited which she often is.

Does she seem to enjoy the holiday club? Maybe she's struggling with having to be sociable in an unfamiliar setting. Could just be sibling jealousy, my brothers would do things like that to each other a lot at that age to try to get the other one into trouble.

It is wearing and hard when one child seems to be out of step. It isn't beyond the realms of normal behaviour I don't think for siblings. I think you've got to accept the child you've got and I am sure she'll get there in terms of her impulse control and empathy in time. It must be hard for her too if she has a different nature to the rest of the family. It will be ok but it must be hard work with all of the children, hope you find time for a breather.

Differences with empathy and understanding other's feelings and even caring about how others feel will most likely be due to her autism.

I totally get the wondering if she's a psychopath, I've had similar worries about my ds as he has exhibited a similar lack of concern for his siblings. (He has now been diagnosed with autism which explains so much.)

It is hard, but regardless of how our kids are we have to give them unconditional love and some days we just have to get through. Solidarity

What I got from your OP is that your daughter is the scapegoat child and she know it.

Do you tell her she ‘Always has to take things too far or ruin the day by hurting somebody’
Has she heard you say you expect her to ruin the summer holidays on day 1?
Do you think she might have picked up you think the rest of her sisters are ‘so nice’ and that you think she’s ‘mean spirited’ .

Even if you haven’t said it, she knows.

I can remember hitting one of my brothers over the head with a tennis racket when I was maybe 9 and he was 5. Wasn’t remotely remorseful. I’m not a psychopath I was just frustrated by an annoying sibling and wanted to bash him.

I’m not calling her a psychopath I’m asking if she could be 🫣

Because she threw a ball at her sister ?

Qualified in ECCE here - I’d say this is relatively normal sibling behavior, especially between two older kids, and especially for kids who have trouble already regulating themselves.

Discipline her as you normally would (example: she threw the ball, she doesn’t get it back until she apologizes, etc). Ask her how she would like it if a ball was thrown at her? Teach that actions = consequences, and if she doesn’t respond, then worry or look into other behavioral therapy.

Something I picked up on in your comments is you said (paraphrasing) Day 1 of holidays and you knew she would ruin it. Be careful how much of your communication is non verbal. Maybe you think you’re not showing her your level of concern or dislike of her behaviors, but your non verbal communication could be wildly different. If your daughter is picking up on your nerves or concerns, it could be fueling her too.

Plus, she’s 10. Psychically, a lot of changes are going on in her body and mind. Add those to an additional need, things are going to be very off for her.

Honestly I think you should spend some 1 on 1 time with her. Get her talking, do something she’s interested in, and actually communicate WITH her

At 10 years old? A diagnosis is possible - I don’t know how it’s done but a family friends child was diagnosed earlier and educated in a very specific environment as a result.

I have a 16 year old with ASD and ADHD and I honestly used to Google signs of a psychopath a lot, because she had no remorse/guilt/fear/inhibition about anything at all and only very occasionally showed empathy and I wasn't sure it was genuine or acting. But I am relieved to say she does have empathy and remorse now, it started to develop between age 10-12, her whole personality actually changed, she is very much an introvert now when she used to have no inhibitions.

Not implying that Op’s child is btw, just saying that where a child is, diagnosis is possible at that age.

I see she gets her empathy from her mother

Someone who hasn't read post properly really.

Meant to be physically not psychically 😂😂😂

My 13 year old broke my 3 year olds arm when he tackled him as he ran across the park... never said sorry.

I took 3 year old to hospital so figured DH would sort it. He and his family saw no reason to apologize as it 'must be an accident'. Then insisted 6 hours later (when we got back from hospital) was 'too late' to say sorry.

My DS is not a psychopath, he is however a bit of an oaf.

What happened is simply a case of not considering hes nearly 5x the size of his siblings (hes big, like 6 foot and well built) and a lack of fore thinking about the possible consequences of what he is doing.

As for not apologizing, it seems every man and his dog will happily tell kids now a days they don't bloody have too. They make out we are unreasonable if we expect basic decency. So what hope do the next gen kids have.

I'd read that a child with ASD has the emotional age of 3 years younger than them. So sometimes they don't see the consequences of their actions, or understand why something is "wrong".

It's a thing with autism - this might be worth a read, despite it referring to 'Asperger's' which is now an outdated term:

https://autismuk.com/home-page/malice-and-asperger-syndrome/

I dont think you do. Otherwise you would know its tne old nature nurture argument and is not always about trauma.

It may seem completely unprovoked but might actually relate to something that happened previously that your DD has been struggling to process and was finally unable to hold the emotions in any more.

My nearly 15 year old still doesn't show ANY emotion at all, he is however hardworking, well behaved, mostly trustworthy and mostly gentle... I don't really worry that hes a secret psychopath.

He has always seemed introverted though.

Really the only time he ever wavers at all on trustworthiness and gentleness is with his brother because they play rough and egg each other on. Hes fine with his sister though.

It is very unlikely. Perhaps, she requires more support - can you contact CAMHS or school.