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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

163 replies

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:46

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

OP posts:
Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:47

Butter fingers:

... Learn that while she is very important sometimes other people's needs take priority over hers.

OP posts:
WelcomingGnome · 24/07/2023 11:48

If I was you, I would stay for my DD's birthday and arrange carers for the 5 days the parents would be alone.

BigButtons · 24/07/2023 11:48

It will be tricky for her to manage, but these are exceptional circumstances. She still has her father there and you can do the party before and maybe something after.

TrueScrumptious · 24/07/2023 11:50

I think being there for her party but not the actual birthday is completely fine. I wouldn’t even think about it.

EsmeSusanOgg · 24/07/2023 11:53

WelcomingGnome · 24/07/2023 11:48

If I was you, I would stay for my DD's birthday and arrange carers for the 5 days the parents would be alone.

Agree. Especially at age 8.

chopc · 24/07/2023 11:53

As long as the birthday is celebrated then I think it is OK to go. Explain and try and reason with your DD. She should learn empathy and what matters in life - and it sure ain't birthdays

unicornflakegirl · 24/07/2023 11:53

Proper care needs to be arranged for your mum for everyone's sake.
My parents wouldn't want me to miss DD's birthday.
You could go to help them for a shorter time period and help them get care in place. They need local options.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:55

WelcomingGnome · 24/07/2023 11:48

If I was you, I would stay for my DD's birthday and arrange carers for the 5 days the parents would be alone.

They have carers but still need someone to organise everything, supervise the carers.and provide emotional support to both parents, and set up something long term for.the future. Dsis is doing as much as she can but it would be good to have a transition period where I am there so that the parents aren't suddenly left all alone. I don't want to go into the clinical details but dm is not cooperating with the carers (not her fault, the personality changes are part of her injury), her needs are quite complex at the moment, and it's all very hard on my dad who isn't in the best of health either.

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 24/07/2023 11:55

TrueScrumptious · 24/07/2023 11:50

I think being there for her party but not the actual birthday is completely fine. I wouldn’t even think about it.

I think 8 is a tricky age. Old enough to care about the actual birthday day itself. Young enough for that to be really important for her.

If DD was 4 or under, I would stay for the party and then go. If DD was 12 or older, the same.

I think at 8 it doesn't really work and OP needs to find alternative cover until she can go.

Kerplonker · 24/07/2023 11:55

She’ll get over it whereas if you don’t go to your parents & something happened eg your Mum took a turn for the worse, you might have a hard time forgiving yourself.
sometimes other people’s needs do come first & as she gets older your daughter will understand that.

Sceptre86 · 24/07/2023 11:55

I wouldn't even think about it and go help your parents. At some point you will need to find out what kind of help is avaliable for your mum in the country she lives in and start putting that in place. If your dad is going to be doing the care in the meantime then I'd be looking to freeze as many meals as I could for him and arranging a cleaner but realistically she may need more specialised support which he will struggle to provide.

Your dd doesn't get to make demands, she may well be sad a little but she will get over it. Right now your dad needs the support so he should be a priority. I'd move the birthday forward, cut cake and open presents. On the day your dh can take her out or have some friends round.

LorraineInSpain · 24/07/2023 11:57

Can you all go as a family if it’s school holidays?

Marmite27 · 24/07/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t miss my DC’s 8th birthday, they’d be devastated.

TrueScrumptious · 24/07/2023 11:59

EsmeSusanOgg · 24/07/2023 11:55

I think 8 is a tricky age. Old enough to care about the actual birthday day itself. Young enough for that to be really important for her.

If DD was 4 or under, I would stay for the party and then go. If DD was 12 or older, the same.

I think at 8 it doesn't really work and OP needs to find alternative cover until she can go.

Show quote history

I don’t really agree. If it wasn’t school holidays, she’d be at school all day, and bar wearing a happy birthday badge, some cards from relatives and a few presents, the day is completely normal. And that’s the same here. It’s the party day that is more important.

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 11:59

I am torn on this. I have been in your parents situation in caring for my DH who came home after a stroke needing two people for transfers etc and needing full supervision and 24 hour care pretty much only to be let down by the company who were supposed to be providing carers. I had five days of doing it on my own until they could send carers and I was absolutely broken, both physically and emotionally, by the end of the five days. At the same time I wouldn't have asked for, or expected my kids to drop everything and come to my aid. It's not as easy as some people seem to think it is to just get in carers.

johnnydeppsslipper · 24/07/2023 12:05

This is really hard op

I have 2family members that live int he same country that's needed a lot of support in the last six months.

It's very complicated also and I've been helping to blend morning and afternoon caters into the equation as well as emotional and practical help.

Two weeks ago were really bad with help and emergency help needed practically twice every day whilst trying to run a business and a family of my own.

My youngest is older than yours but I still left her far too much emotionally as well as phsysically and it's hard.

What does your dh think?

Are there caters already starting to blend into the home?

Is there the option for your mum to be in a specialist home ?

MeinKraft · 24/07/2023 12:06

YANBU. I think you will be setting a good example to your DD if you teach her that sometimes we have to make personal sacrifices to support our family.

KingsHeath53 · 24/07/2023 12:08

What an impossible dilemma for you OP!

I think helping your parents will model the behaviour you would like to see from your own children when they are adults.

Good luck and speedy recovery for your mum x

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:09

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 11:59

I am torn on this. I have been in your parents situation in caring for my DH who came home after a stroke needing two people for transfers etc and needing full supervision and 24 hour care pretty much only to be let down by the company who were supposed to be providing carers. I had five days of doing it on my own until they could send carers and I was absolutely broken, both physically and emotionally, by the end of the five days. At the same time I wouldn't have asked for, or expected my kids to drop everything and come to my aid. It's not as easy as some people seem to think it is to just get in carers.

Yes @ everything about carers.

My mum doesn't have the capacity to have an opinion at the moment but my dad is adamant that I shouldn't leave the kids alone. He does not want me to come. However, my parents have always babied me and been overprotective so I'm taking what they say with a pinch of salt.

My sister thinks I do need to go out there and I think her reasoning is a lot more practical and realistic. She said in the worst case I could come after dd's birthday but it would be most needed immediately after she has left. Five days later the need will be much less and it will be much less helpful.

I did think of just taking DD but it's not a conducive environment for a child at the moment. It's not an option.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 24/07/2023 12:11

Is there any chance all of you could go to your parents and have dd’s birthday there? Or does she need friends to be there too?

Lacucuracha · 24/07/2023 12:12

Cross post. Could DH and kids stay near your parents? Or is that costly?

CopperSeahorses · 24/07/2023 12:12

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:09

Yes @ everything about carers.

My mum doesn't have the capacity to have an opinion at the moment but my dad is adamant that I shouldn't leave the kids alone. He does not want me to come. However, my parents have always babied me and been overprotective so I'm taking what they say with a pinch of salt.

My sister thinks I do need to go out there and I think her reasoning is a lot more practical and realistic. She said in the worst case I could come after dd's birthday but it would be most needed immediately after she has left. Five days later the need will be much less and it will be much less helpful.

I did think of just taking DD but it's not a conducive environment for a child at the moment. It's not an option.

Show quote history

I'd go. I know my views are coloured by my experience but I was like your dad, I think your sister's reasoning is sensible. I am sorry you are in this situation, it is truly awful to be torn like that.

whatthinkyou · 24/07/2023 12:13

Your mum has had a stroke and needs care!!!!

I'm sorry but that should take priority over everything!!!!

CapEBarra · 24/07/2023 12:13

I can’t believe this is even a question. You go and help your parents who really need your help right now. You can bring your DD with you or promise her a treat when you get back. Your DD is 8 and should be able to understand that grandma is very poorly and grandad needs help to take care of her. It’s a really bad idea to let people think their birthday is so important it takes precedence over providing care to your very ill mother.

DisquietintheRanks · 24/07/2023 12:14

Marmite27 · 24/07/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t miss my DC’s 8th birthday, they’d be devastated.

How long would they be devastated for?