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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

163 replies

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:46

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

OP posts:
Mariposista · 24/07/2023 12:14

DD insisting that I am there? FGS she doesn’t get to insist anything. Her grandmother has had a stroke and grandfather is frail, and mum is likely to be very worried. Perhaps it’s time for her to learn some empathy. You can have a party, presents, fab day out just before/after, and in any case her dad will be there. Perhaps she can have fun with a friend on the actual day.

Hankunamatata · 24/07/2023 12:15

Arrange party for before you go sounds like a plan. Dh works away sometimes and we have to push parties forwards or backwards.

Serena73 · 24/07/2023 12:15

I think it's ok to miss her actual birthday as long as you still do something very special together either before or after. And explain to her properly about why you have to be there.

Lavenderflower · 24/07/2023 12:16

In this instance, I would help my parents first. In an ideal world you would not want to miss your child's parents birthday but it can be celebrated on a different day.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:16

I can't take the kids. The weather isn't child friendly at the moment and we'd just risk more problems if they fall ill.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 24/07/2023 12:18

I'd celebrate her birthday with a party a week early then fly out to help your Mum. You can do facetime with DD on her actual birthday and do something special with her once you get back. Your Mum needs you right now.

Georgieporgie29 · 24/07/2023 12:19

CapEBarra · 24/07/2023 12:13

I can’t believe this is even a question. You go and help your parents who really need your help right now. You can bring your DD with you or promise her a treat when you get back. Your DD is 8 and should be able to understand that grandma is very poorly and grandad needs help to take care of her. It’s a really bad idea to let people think their birthday is so important it takes precedence over providing care to your very ill mother.

I completely agree with this. 8 years old is old enough to understand, I would probably offer a day together when I get back to make up for it but I would definitely be going to help my parents

Parker231 · 24/07/2023 12:19

Marmite27 · 24/07/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t miss my DC’s 8th birthday, they’d be devastated.

Devastated is dramatic! The DD should understand that sometimes there are others who are more important at that time. The birthday celebrations can take place at any time but helping the parents can’t

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:20

johnnydeppsslipper · 24/07/2023 12:05

This is really hard op

I have 2family members that live int he same country that's needed a lot of support in the last six months.

It's very complicated also and I've been helping to blend morning and afternoon caters into the equation as well as emotional and practical help.

Two weeks ago were really bad with help and emergency help needed practically twice every day whilst trying to run a business and a family of my own.

My youngest is older than yours but I still left her far too much emotionally as well as phsysically and it's hard.

What does your dh think?

Are there caters already starting to blend into the home?

Is there the option for your mum to be in a specialist home ?

Dh thinks I should leave after her party and miss her actual birthday. He will do something special with her on her actual birthday. He thinks it will teach her that sometimes other people's needs trump our wishes but I also think a little bit that he wants me to go early so I'm back before school starts.

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 24/07/2023 12:21

Georgieporgie29 · 24/07/2023 12:19

I completely agree with this. 8 years old is old enough to understand, I would probably offer a day together when I get back to make up for it but I would definitely be going to help my parents

Show quote history

All of this! Just celebrate as a family early, birthdays don't just have to be on the specific day

WannaBeRecluse · 24/07/2023 12:23

I think an 8 year old can understand, if explained to them, that her grandparents need help and sometimes, that means you have to go when you would rather stay. Have the party before you go, phone her on her birthday. It's a good lesson in empathy and that, sometimes, other people's needs trump our wants.

When I was six my mother went to help her parents for seven weeks. I survived and understood. No, I didn't like every part of that experience, but it was understood.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:24

I think what makes it a bit more galling for her is that dd2's birthday is a few weeks before hers and I won't miss that. Ironically, though I'l wouldn't mind missing dd2's birthday as she is only two and doesn't understand the significance of the day anyway.

OP posts:
WannaBeRecluse · 24/07/2023 12:25

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:24

I think what makes it a bit more galling for her is that dd2's birthday is a few weeks before hers and I won't miss that. Ironically, though I'l wouldn't mind missing dd2's birthday as she is only two and doesn't understand the significance of the day anyway.

That's just how things work out sometimes. Maybe have a low key birthday for DD2? Like you said, she doesn't understand it anyway.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:25

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Much appreciated. 👍

OP posts:
Densol57 · 24/07/2023 12:26

Your daughter will be upset. She’ll get over it as children do. Its a medical emergency and you are needed.
I know what I would do

LtMoose · 24/07/2023 12:26

I would miss my DDs birthday without a doubt. Yeah it sucks for DD but that's life, your mother has had a stroke, that absolutely takes priority. Have an early party, do something when you get back etc In the end it's just a day and your mum needs help.

ditalini · 24/07/2023 12:27

Could you dm go into respite care for those 5 days or is that not an option where they are?

I would listen to your sister and go op. It's hard for your dd but it really can't be helped without other people suffering far, far more than her.

ChittyBangabang · 24/07/2023 12:28

Marmite27 · 24/07/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t miss my DC’s 8th birthday, they’d be devastated.

Devastated? Really?

I'm going to sound all snowflake but bloody hell.

Readytoplay · 24/07/2023 12:29

‘I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).’

so, millions of single parents (mostly mothers, let’s be honest) struggle but still do it, so why can’t your DH?

Smartiepants79 · 24/07/2023 12:30

I would go.
Make a huge deal of her before you go and promise something special for when you get back.
I would hope my DD had enough empathy and love for her grandparents to understand why I had to go. I would expect her to be a little sad but distractable so she doesn’t spend all day moping.
Sometimes crap things happen and even our most special days don’t work out the way we wanted. I presume her dad will be around to make the birthday special?

princesssparkle9985 · 24/07/2023 12:32

This sounds really hard OP. I’m really surprised nobody has suggested that your DH be the one to suck it up! Yes it’s stressful to get two kids ready and out in the mornings when you don’t usually do it but clearly he would manage it.
Otherwise, I think I would consider this an opportunity for your little girl to become resilient and see that sometimes we are disappointed and upset but that actually being disappointed and upset is ok and her parents get her through it and life has really hard choices sometimes.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 24/07/2023 12:34

I would go to your parents. At 8 DD isn’t old enough to understand that her birthday doesn’t trump a major family crisis, but is old enough to have this explained and to learn that it is sadly the case

Smartiepants79 · 24/07/2023 12:34

princesssparkle9985 · 24/07/2023 12:32

This sounds really hard OP. I’m really surprised nobody has suggested that your DH be the one to suck it up! Yes it’s stressful to get two kids ready and out in the mornings when you don’t usually do it but clearly he would manage it.
Otherwise, I think I would consider this an opportunity for your little girl to become resilient and see that sometimes we are disappointed and upset but that actually being disappointed and upset is ok and her parents get her through it and life has really hard choices sometimes.

But the main issue isn’t that DH is being useless.
The main issue is that her parents needs her for this specific time period. Leaving them unsupported for 5 days is not ideal or kind.

ditalini · 24/07/2023 12:35

Readytoplay · 24/07/2023 12:29

‘I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).’

so, millions of single parents (mostly mothers, let’s be honest) struggle but still do it, so why can’t your DH?

Her sister, who is the one at the sharp end at the moment, has made it clear that delaying will not be helpful so the school issue is really a red herring.

By all means lets all have a "useless dh" moan, but ultimately her parents need her when they need her, not when it suits her dd unfortunately.

pikkumyy77 · 24/07/2023 12:35

I agree with CapEbarra-how is this even a question? I think you and your DH would be failing in your duty to your daughter if you abandoned your responsibility to her grandparents and Aunt for an eight year old’s birthday. The biggest gift you will ever give her is helping her recognize the importance and significance of caring for other people and managing disappointment when we don’t get everything we wish we were entitled to. In tbe future if she needed help would she be happy if you didn’t come because of a sibling’s birthday? “So sorry about your stroke, darling but we agreed to go to Tommy’s 3rd birthday and you know how important that is!”