To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

[StressBallPit]

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

Absolutely! Celebrations can be done anytime

I’ll never forget a work colleague who had a terminally ill mum in hospital who had possibly days left and still chose to go on her family holiday to not disappoint kids.
Her mum passed while she was away

Yup! No wonder we are turning into a self obessed entitled society. Goodness if my child seemed to be precious over a birthday, then their grandparents health, I would be concerned.

As I said before I left my 5 year old when my dad was dying on his birthday and it was a long trip, he is now 14 and still a sweet natured and empathic boy.

I must say at 8 I absolutely think it is both reasonable and possible to explain that Granny is ill.

Definitely have the special meal for 4 before you go and another one when you return as she was so understanding.

Life happens sometimes and overtakes plans.

Go and help your parents.

Nothing wrong with a special present.

I honestly don't think this is that huge a deal if you explain it clearly and have the special meal around the actual date.

Exactly! I despair at some of these responses.

How will a child ever develop resilience if they never experience any disappointment in their lives?

These kids of parents who wouldn’t miss a birthday for anything will be posting in 30 years’ time “AIBU DH went to his dying mother’s bedside instead of treating me on my b’day”.

I'd go to your parents , 8 is old enough to understand that have grandparents need you right now

No wonder we have so many self centred , self observed teens and young adults these days

Go to your mum
I can’t get over the fact some people think a birthday takes priority over your sick mum

I’m sure she’ll still celebrate it without you

I would 100% go and help my parents and set an example to my DC of how important it is to care for others. My DS is eight and would be totally fine spending his birthday with his Dad if I left presents and had a video call with him. Can her Dad take her out for a treat, maybe with a friend?

Thanks everyone for sharing your views. Yes, i will go early. The post I wrote on how much they are struggling made it really clear to me that I have to. The posters who mentioned long term care are right. I need to go to sort that out and going early is the only way all of us, that is me, sister and parents can be in the same room to discuss everything (we live in 3 different countries).

I think you’re making the right decision.
Good luck OP

I think you should go, but I hate this undercurrent from some that DD is a spoiled brat because she wants her DM there for her birthday and it will serve her jolly right and teach her a life lesson if she isn't.

Of course she wants her DM there, she loves her, soon enough she'll not care. Yes she needs to understand why you won't be there, but she's still allowed to feel disappointed by that.

@MooFroo I think it is very difficult to understand people's circumstances unless you know all the details.
While that decision may have seemed callous to you I don't think you are likely to have had the whole history of family relationships or be privy to the persons conversations with her mother, who may have told her to go on the holiday and make the most of the life she has.

People have a range of relationships with family and a range of attitudes to death. I found it odd that my friend rushed back to the other side of the world for a funeral of a distant relative leaving her very young children for two weeks but i wouldn't presume to say she was wrong.

I don't think anyone is saying a child is spoiled because they want their parent with them on their birthday. It's that a child will become spoiled and entitled if their wishes are always prioritised over the needs of others. And right now, the OP's parents' needs are quite significant.

As you say, she will probably be disappointed, but learning that sometimes we are disappointed and learning to manage disappointment is part of building resilience.

Kids whose parents try to protect them from every disappointment in life aren't doing them any favours.

No, she's not spoilt at all and even if she had got upset or made a fuss I wouldn't have blamed her. She's allowed to feel upset and disappointed.

I told her yesterday that I probably wasn't going to be there for her actual birthday and she took it very well. At first she said I must not miss it but when I said we will do something special just her and me later she was fine with that. In fact, she said she wants to wait to open her presents from me for when I'm back. I'd love to be there for that but I think that wouldn't be very nice for dh. I'll get her a present from my parents' place that we can open together when I'm back.

Thanks everyone for helping me figure this out!!