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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

163 replies

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:46

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 24/07/2023 12:36

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:24

I think what makes it a bit more galling for her is that dd2's birthday is a few weeks before hers and I won't miss that. Ironically, though I'l wouldn't mind missing dd2's birthday as she is only two and doesn't understand the significance of the day anyway.

Would delaying dd2's birthday celebration and having a joint smaller birthday party for both dds be an option?

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:36

Readytoplay · 24/07/2023 12:29

‘I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).’

so, millions of single parents (mostly mothers, let’s be honest) struggle but still do it, so why can’t your DH?

No, he can get them ready for school of course on his own and in all fairness, actually he said he would manage and I shouldn't worry about it. Ignore what I said about his motivation.

OP posts:
Clymene · 24/07/2023 12:37

I would go and look after your mum and have your DD's party before you go. You can FaceTime her on her birthday and you will be back to take her to school. (What's happening when you leave?)

This is an extraordinary situation and you need to prioritise the person who really needs you.

You can do a lot of emotional prep with your DD before you go.

SparklyLeprechaun · 24/07/2023 12:37

I think it's ridiculous to even consider prioritising your DD's birthday. She's already getting a party on a different day, what is it that is so traumatic about you not being there for the actual birthday? She'll get over the disappointment in no time.

Spirallingdownwards · 24/07/2023 12:37

An 8 year old can't "insist" on anything. She may want you to be there but she is old enough that a very poorly granny needing help is more important at this point and that she can have a celebration either early or late.

FairAcre · 24/07/2023 12:41

I can't even believe people are debating this. Of course you must go to your parents. It is a good life lesson for your daughter to learn that sometimes other people must come first. Sometimes my husband or I had a work trip which inevitably meant we were not there for a child's birthday but we just celebrated it at the weekend.

vivainsomnia · 24/07/2023 12:43

I think 8 Is a very good age to teach children that they are not the only important people in life and that others are also in need or care and love.

I would explain the situation and why it's important that you be there to help your mum who really needs you then (explain sister can't stay etc....). Make a big deal when you video call her. Put celebration decorations in the background, big songs etc....and then her how grateful you are to have such a mature and caring girl. She will feel proud and will have learnt an important lesson in life. Win-win.

fireflyloo · 24/07/2023 12:43

I would miss my dd's birthday. It's one year and your parents need you. You can celebrate before or after the actual day and then her dad can organise a party on the actual day.

Ellie1015 · 24/07/2023 12:43

Understand dd wants you there but your parents need you there.

Dd will realise she will have a nice time with dad and call you. She will understand.

mistermagpie · 24/07/2023 12:43

My son turned 8 last week, and if I had missed his actual birthday day I'm not sure he would have been too fussed as long as I was there for his party. My younger son was at school on his birthday so it was just a normal day and his party was the bit that mattered, and that was on a different day.

I wouldn't overthink it. Maybe it's just my kids, and to be fair we don't make a huge fuss of birthdays, but I don't think and of mine would be remotely 'devastated' about one parent not being there. Loads of split families have this scenario every year.

Your mum needs help. That's the priority.

Sunnydays0101 · 24/07/2023 12:44

Have your DD’s party before go, leave her an extra nice present - maybe if budget allows it could be a night in London to see a show. Or some outing for just the two of you.

I wouldn’t be asking your DD if she’d mind or not - instead I’d be explaining that you’ll have her party in advance, her Dad will do something nice on the day and you’ll FaceTime her, etc but that your Mum is very ill and needs you just now and it’s only fair that you go and take over from your sister.

Aishah231 · 24/07/2023 12:45

Did your parents choose to move to another country? If so it's harsh but this is one of the consequences of that choice.

Lemonsyellow · 24/07/2023 12:45

Of course you go to your parents’. There’s no debate here. I’m absolutely shocked that some people would prioritise the birthday -not even the party.

LoveBluey · 24/07/2023 12:56

Definitely go to your parents. If it was a work conference that you had no choice but to attend you'd have to miss the birthday and arguably that's much less important than supporting your parents.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 12:58

In all fairness, DD is usually more fussed about her birthday than her birthday party. The party is with lots of other kids at a soft play area so she'll be too busy with her friends to even notice I'm missing. Oh her birthday we usually have a very small celebration or go somewhere of her choice just the four of us, so it's more of a family thing.

OP posts:
CC4712 · 24/07/2023 12:58

It sounds like your mum is requiring rehab/respite care. At least until the house is set up properly and your dad has enough support. Whether you go before or after DD's birthday, has your sister enquired about a rehab placement for you mum? Even if only short term?

whereiswilson · 24/07/2023 13:00

Hopefully your dd would do the same for you if the same thing would happen to you in the future. I don’t know what I would do, I think I’d go.

Mayhem3 · 24/07/2023 13:01

When is DDs birthday and when is your sister leaving?

Is it not possible to leave later/come home early leaving them alone for just 1 day?

I would never miss my DDs birthday but I don’t think you have much choice and she’ll be with her dad so it’s not like she’ll be alone.
And of course you can celebrate it before/after and do something extra special.

rookiemere · 24/07/2023 13:02

I do think you do have to go, but it's fair enough that DD is a bit upset about it.
It also feels that with such a young family you are on the young end of starting the journey to provide a caring role to your DPs, particularly as they are far away.I'd therefore use this visit to very much cement getting the carers in place- stress to your DF about how important this is for your peace of mind.

ABugWife · 24/07/2023 13:02

I think have the party early, go to your parents and make it up to her when you get back.

Yes she will be a bit upset but she had her dad there to make a massive fuss of her on the day.

Imagine when she's older how she will feel looking back that her grandparents had to struggle because she wanted mum there on her birthday.

Mariposista · 24/07/2023 13:03

Aishah231 · 24/07/2023 12:45

Did your parents choose to move to another country? If so it's harsh but this is one of the consequences of that choice.

Did the mother choose to have a stroke?
Disgusting answer. It’s an 8 yo birthday, not a life or death event that can’t be missed.

Alargeoneplease89 · 24/07/2023 13:08

8 is old enough to understand the situation. I had to leave my son on his 5th birthday as my dad was dying and he was empathic and certainly didn't hold a grunge. It's a good opportunity for your DD to show empathy and understand its just a day.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 24/07/2023 13:10

To be honest if they have carers and its about organising things and emotional support then I would say that the organising can be done from afar and the emotional support can also be provided remotely.

I would stay for DDs birthday. Age 8 is peak birthday really and it sounds as though your parents will be ok. Less than optimum. But OK. People saying a birthday is not life and death are missing the point as thankfully from what you have said neither is the situation for your mum. Were it otherwise my view would be different. But in the circumstances as you have described them I would stay and celebrate the birthday given it means so much to your DD and then go immediately afterwards. I am sure your DH will manage getting DD back to school.

Original poster
StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 13:10

Aishah231 · 24/07/2023 12:45

Did your parents choose to move to another country? If so it's harsh but this is one of the consequences of that choice.

No, I chose to move away from their country so being torn between two places and between caring for young children and elderly parents are the consequences of my choices. Even if things were different that wouldn't factor into my decision at all. They are my parents and I don't want them to suffer irrespective of who can be blamed for this situation.

OP posts:
SpeedReader · 24/07/2023 13:15

YANBU, on the basis that your sister is unlikely to be exaggerating the level of support your parents require.

I'm also thinking of worst case scenarios:

You are not there on your daughter's actual birthday - she is sad, but you make up for it with a lovely celebration some other time, you video call her on the day, etc.

versus

You delay visiting your parents and there is a major incident or issues because your father cannot cope - ???

If further information comes to light to suggest that your parents are likely to be ok with a five day break before you're arrival, then that may change the analysis. But given what your sister has said, it would be perfectly reasonable to prioritise your mum and dad's needs on this occasion.

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