To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

[StressBallPit]

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

Probably the rest of their lives.

Having a birthday in the holidays means you get far fewer celebrations with friends. But what you do get is a guaranteed birthday day with family.

It is not the same as someone with a term time birthday.

For gods sake it's a birthday !! Course you should go help your mum, your husband is there and you can make it up to her when you get back, get a grip and don't raise a snowflake

No, because most parents will be at work- just as they are in term-time.

I agree with this.

My DM was dying in a hospice 300 miles away from home when it was DD's 9th birthday. I rushed back to be with DD on the day and drove back to the hospice in the evening. I can still remember DD crying as I left. (She's 18 now.) DM died the next day.
Looking back I should have stayed at the hospice and sorted a celebration out for DD afterwards. My mind was elsewhere and DD had a crappy birthday despite my physical presence.
Will you be able to concentrate on DD for her birthday if you will be worrying about how your DPs are managing?

That seems odd, and highly improbable. Taking a day off in the middle of the summer holidays is pretty usual for parents of young children. I think you are stretching here. I don't know anyone who either grew up a child with a holiday birthday, or are parents to a child with a holiday birthday who do not take off their child's birthday.

All of this! ^^

Haven’t read all the replies but I’m shocked at how many “8 is a tricky age you shouldn’t go” and “what an impossible situation!!” Posts there are. Gosh it really is a no brainer. No wonder there’s so many entitled kids nowadays! You go and help your parents, DD will understand (if not right now, when she’s a bit older). Party before is a good compromise.

I think YABU, your parents chose to live abroad and this is the natural consequences. When your daughter is 25 and not speaking to you and you wonder why, revisit this decision (because you're obviously going to go even though you've ostensibly asked AIBU).

You are also being unreasonable because long term this is unsustainable and you and your sister need to stop having a saviour complex and let your dad do the organising etc while the carers that are already employed do the caring they're employed to do. Your OP made it sound like your mum has no one and is alone abroad but that's not really the case.

Do you always drop the people closest to you to help out people slightly further out? Might want to think on how that makes your immediate family feel.

Well, I didn’t, because my workplace doesn’t allow leave over the period of her birthday -Christmas time. Anyway, if there are two parents, only one would take time off, not both.

I think YABU, your parents chose to live abroad and this is the natural consequences.
The parents didn’t choose to live abroad, though.

At least do the the OP the courtesy of reading all her posts before you lay on the thick guilt trip eh?

Oh my god, just explain the situation to her in age appropriate language. Celebrate with her before or after and have your husband do something with her on the day.

Insane that this is even a dilemma.

The DM literally already has carers looking after her. OP thinks she needs to be out there to "organise" things. Apparently her DF can just sit around doing nothing because he's a man and even though there are carers and he has capacity, he apparently can't be burdened with the organising even though he's said he's fine to do this.

Hello!

My dad went to work on my birthday unless a) we were on family holiday or b) it was the weekend because all that boring stuff - rotas, limited holiday availability, etc. My mum was a teacher so she was off.

I wasn't the only one. Plus had plenty of friends around to celebrate with.

Am I missing something here OP?

You say your dad isn't in the best of health but surely he is capable of sorting the carers etc out? It sounds very much like you and your sister are feeling like you need to step in whilst he sounds perfectly able to do it and insisting that you stay for her birthday. Did your DF actually ask for help?

I would let him get on with it and stay for your DDs birthday like he said!

dm is not cooperating with the carers (not her fault, the personality changes are part of her injury), her needs are quite complex at the moment, and it's all very hard on my dad who isn't in the best of health either.

That sounds a very difficult situation. I would be there like a shot and I know my children would absolutely understand that would be worth missing a birthday for.

I actually wouldn't do as others are suggesting and bring her party forward - I'd arrange that for her actual birthday as a good distraction from the fact that you aren't there (assuming you have enough adults available to help you out and provide adequate supervision) - at most kids parties my experience is they don't really care about what adults are there, they're too busy having fun with their friends. And have a special family day out/ early celebration before you go.

Also make sure that if you have any family traditions that you personally normally implement/manage (i.e. rather than your dh) that your DH is given explicit instructions (and reminders if your DH is likely to forget) so your dd isn't upset that she doesn't get her birthday breakfast pancakes or whatever because you aren't there.

OP, go and be with your parents. They need you more at this particular time.

It's very unlucky for your dd, but honestly, it's just a birthday. It isn't that big of a deal.

My own mum missed my ninth birthday in very similar circumstances (helping elderly parents through a health crisis). I was gutted not to have her there for my party or for my birthday, and it does stand out in my memory as being the worst birthday ever.

However, in the grand scheme of things, I think a child who is generally loved and well cared for is more than capable of dealing with the minor disappointment of a crap birthday. Yes, she will miss you and it won't be the same without you, but in time, she will understand why difficult choices sometimes have to be made.

I am not scarred by my experience of a birthday without my mum, and I wouldn't have hesitated to miss dd's birthday if similar circumstances had arisen. She is loved and she is important, but she needs to learn that sometimes, other things will need to take priority and that's OK. It's just a birthday...

But we are talking about the summer holidays here. And that is not an experience I have come across.

You poor thing, this all sounds so stressful.

Unfortunately for your daughter your ill mother definitely trumps her birthday.

if you’re there for the party and then she’s treated by her dad on the day itself then that’s fine if say. And then an extra special treat with you when you get back.

Right so as someone who doesn't have the best relationship with either parent, you have a duty to your family.
If your parents live abroad did they move there or did you move away? I'm sorry but personally I'd arrange some care for them but that's it. Your daughter will remember you missing her birthday and as a parent you should be showing your daughter that nothris more important than her. Adults have a responsibility to look after themselves and sort themselves out, you can help but you can't be in two places at once and its unreasonable of them to expect you to drop everything if they live in a different country.

Yup. The amount of posters who think OP's mum is dying and does not have care in place is quite substantial.

Do the Bday before leaving.
tell your DD, that this is YOUR MUMMY, & that she needs you.

100% stick around for my daughter’s birthday and then go. And I wouldn’t be fretting about my husband “coping” with back to school and nursery arrangements. Why are the men so helpless in this scenario?! Expect more from them.