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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

163 replies

StressBallPit · 24/07/2023 11:46

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

OP posts:
tattygrl · 24/07/2023 15:33

OP, there's the opportunity here to sit down with your DD and explain, lovingly and gently, the reasons why you have to be away for her birthday. She might not understand or express her empathy gracefully, but that's ok, she's so little. You validating her disappointment and explaining the situation to her (in age appropriate ways, of course) will go a long way towards this simply being a disappointment, rather than an instance of her feeling left behind.

You're in a really, really difficult position here, but I think you'd be absolutely in the right to go and help your parents. You clearly care so much about your whole family! <3

Flossflower · 24/07/2023 15:40

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 15:23

"Could your mother just not go into some sort of rehabilitation home for a few weeks? "

Fuck me, this gets worse and worse....

Why are you outraged by this. With correct care the OPs mother stands a better chance of recovery.
OPs mother has a long path to recovery and OP can’t keep going back.
There was an excellent post by @Annaisatwat who realised this.

Lacucuracha · 24/07/2023 15:45

Flossflower · 24/07/2023 15:40

Why are you outraged by this. With correct care the OPs mother stands a better chance of recovery.
OPs mother has a long path to recovery and OP can’t keep going back.
There was an excellent post by @Annaisatwat who realised this.

Show quote history

I'd imagine that's very expensive. Plus, if OP's DM would rather be at home, it seems a shame to not facilitate that because of a birthday party.

DogsParty · 24/07/2023 15:58

Sometimes the ill person or their family may want their ill relative home, but it’s better for family to be realistic about what is needed.

A woman I used to work with ended up in very bad health herself trying to look after her elderly parents.

Whatevs99 · 24/07/2023 16:04

I’m astounded that anyone would even question what their priority is here, or that others believe a birthday party for a 8 year old is more important than looking after your DM in a crisis. And we wonder why children believe they are the absolute centre of the universe?

I say that as someone with a DD9 - where it wouldn’t take me a nanosecond to decide what was right and wrong in this instance.

PizzaPlease7 · 24/07/2023 16:07

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 14:26

I can't believe some of the utterly vile posts on here. @StressBallPit of course you should go and help your mum. Your dd is old enough to understand that her grandmother needs your help. She'll have her dad on the day and her party when you come back. Maybe allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into a bigger/extra present. It'll be fine.

Neither can I. Horrible people that are totally morally bankrupt. I’m genuinely shocked!

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 16:13

@Flossflower Because the post was nothing about what was best for the OP's mum. It was all about the birthday. The last line - "Birthdays at that age are so important."

Pointypointything · 24/07/2023 16:18

Oh OP, I would definitely go, sounds like they need the help. There will be other birthdays. Lots of love to you and your dparents Flowers

SoSoSoSo · 24/07/2023 16:20

After a few days, two of them asked me nervously " where are the elders?". They had noticed the British invisibility of inconvenient old people.

They're certainly not invisible in my part of the U.K. Far from it.

decaffonlypls · 24/07/2023 16:47

I would say your mums needs trump your dd on this occasion. Assuming there's no way your sister could stay or anouther family member could step in.

Flossflower · 24/07/2023 17:31

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 16:13

@Flossflower Because the post was nothing about what was best for the OP's mum. It was all about the birthday. The last line - "Birthdays at that age are so important."

It was about what is best for OPs mum (and dad). She would almost certainly be better with specialist care. The father could get some sleep and visit every day. This would be much better for his help in the long run.
OPs father has asked her not to go. As another grandparent I would feel the same.
Have you ever had a child that has talked non stop for a couple of months about their birthday? This is really important to her daughter.

DinnaeFashYersel · 24/07/2023 17:34

I'd go and help your mum.

Your DD will have lots to entertain her.

But your mum has had a stroke. She needs you much more.

ditalini · 24/07/2023 17:34

Flossflower · 24/07/2023 17:31

It was about what is best for OPs mum (and dad). She would almost certainly be better with specialist care. The father could get some sleep and visit every day. This would be much better for his help in the long run.
OPs father has asked her not to go. As another grandparent I would feel the same.
Have you ever had a child that has talked non stop for a couple of months about their birthday? This is really important to her daughter.

Show quote history

And if no residential respite is available? What then?

Nazzywish · 24/07/2023 17:44

Yanbu- your daughter will learn that sometimes in life mummy has other responsibilities and that's fine,if anything it's a good teaching opportunity for you to show her how to put another person first who is in more need and in this case your mum, at 8 years old they get it. Show her what family ties mean and one day she will be that daughter that's there for you when needed hopefully. Teaches her patience and love.although I'm sure she already has this but never hurts to reinforce via a real life lesson.

olympicsrock · 24/07/2023 17:47

It’s a hard situation.
I think the decision is very clearly to go to your parents. It sounds like they need you massively.

You can FaceTime, leave special card and gifts , eta h her open presents . You could even let her have a second birthday like the Queen did !

Sorry that you are having such a tough time.

CurlewKate · 24/07/2023 17:52

@Flossflower "Have you ever had a child that has talked non stop for a couple of months about their birthday?"
Yes I have. I also hope that I have children who understand that sometimes other people take precedence, and would be disappointed but understanding. Ans who would trust me when I said that their birthday will still happen, but maybe a little later. I would feel as if I had failed as a parent if I had raised a
NT 8 year old who couldn't do that.

Clymene · 24/07/2023 18:00

It's very obvious the people who have never tried to arrange care for elderly people on this thread

FairAcre · 24/07/2023 18:10

strongcupofTea · 24/07/2023 14:18

I wouldn't miss my daughters birthday personally. Your parents chose to live away from family in Spain so they should have made contingency plans for this type of thing. They'll have to get in carers.

Have you actually read any of the posts or just jumped in with a stupid comment?

lanthanum · 24/07/2023 18:10

Marmite27 · 24/07/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t miss my DC’s 8th birthday, they’d be devastated.

I did miss DD's 8th birthday, and she was absolutely fine about it. I was away for a hobby-related activity - so far less reason than here. There was a free day the day before DD's birthday, so she and DH came to visit and we did presents and an outing then. Her party was later anyway - August birthday parties don't usually work.

Let DD select her "official birthday" date and make a big fuss of her then. If she also gets some special treatment on her actual birthday, she'll get a better deal than normal.

sleepyscientist · 24/07/2023 18:57

Where are they I see Spain is mentioned. Can DH and the kids not get an airbnb for a few nights over the birthday. It's hot but it's not so bad kids can't go, it would also be a distraction for your dad if he got to see them whilst you care for mum.

I don't know life or death I would be there in a heart beat, or if it was something that would likely impact recovery. But mum having to put up with rough handed carers if she was likely to make a good recovery I would likely expect her to get on with it and go out after DD birthday. How does your dad feel it's sounds like he's happy with you coming later.

ditalini · 24/07/2023 19:18

sleepyscientist · 24/07/2023 18:57

Where are they I see Spain is mentioned. Can DH and the kids not get an airbnb for a few nights over the birthday. It's hot but it's not so bad kids can't go, it would also be a distraction for your dad if he got to see them whilst you care for mum.

I don't know life or death I would be there in a heart beat, or if it was something that would likely impact recovery. But mum having to put up with rough handed carers if she was likely to make a good recovery I would likely expect her to get on with it and go out after DD birthday. How does your dad feel it's sounds like he's happy with you coming later.

Spain was only mentioned by a random poster who made up a story in their head.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/07/2023 19:33

Clymene · 24/07/2023 18:00

It's very obvious the people who have never tried to arrange care for elderly people on this thread

^This.

OP your DD will be disappointed initially but organise and extra treat with you when you return. She will then have three birthday events instead of two as an appreciation of missing you on the day. She hopefully will also appreciate in time that sometimes we have to put others first, even when its disappointing.

I'm shocked at some of the responses on this thread. As adults looking back at your life would you really want to have demanded a parent be at your birthday knowing that it left your grandparents in such an emergency?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 24/07/2023 20:09

Some of the posts on here at batshit. You can see why some adults become so incredibly precious about their birthdays... they are obviously taught that birthdays are somehow sacred from an early age.

Mariposista · 24/07/2023 22:45

DogsParty · 24/07/2023 15:58

Sometimes the ill person or their family may want their ill relative home, but it’s better for family to be realistic about what is needed.

A woman I used to work with ended up in very bad health herself trying to look after her elderly parents.

This is very true. But a care home should be used if the patient has very specific needs, and trying to meet them in the community would put both the patient and the relative at risk (as it has in the case you talk of). This happened with my mum too when my gran was on EOL care - the strain it took on her (and me) as we tried to do it all ourselves with just basic domiciliary care, looking back was foolish.
However, putting mum in residential care to placate a spoilt 8 year old on her birthday does not sound like a good enough reason.

mrsplum2015 · 25/07/2023 00:17

I wouldn't go.

Your dd only has one mother. Your dm has two daughters and a husband. What is going to change while you are there to resolve the situation, which sounds untenable? Meaning you are going to feel bad about leaving.

Why can't your dsis stay another couple of nights to partly bridge the gap?

Your father is making a choice about how to care for your dm, which isn't sustainable, and if he won't listen to reason you will have to leave him to manage it as the adult he is I'm afraid.

By supporting him to not use the support system available and not looking after himself you are not actually helping.

Unless you are going to go over with the intent to insist he lets the carers do their job and he gets a full night sleep each night or look at residential care for her I don't see what you're going to achieve other than leave yourself and your father exhausted (not to mention your dh who is presumably juggling a full time job and 2 young dc) and make your dd upset.