To miss dd's birthday to help out family?

[StressBallPit]

I feel really shitty about this but can't make up my mind if it's actually not such a big deal or if I've got my priorities all screwed up.

My parents live abroad and DM has recently had a stroke. She is likely to make a good recovery but at the moment requires 24h care and supervision. My sister is there at the moment to help out my parents but she will have to leave soon. Ideally, once she leaves I'd like to go there for a couple of weeks to help my parents. Unfortunately, this would mean missing dd's birthday. If I stay for her birthday my parents will be for 5 days without any help, which I think would be very, very hard on them. Also, if I leave after her birthday I will then be away when she goes back to school, which dh would find difficult to manage (getting two little kids ready and school/ nursery run).

DD insists that I'm here for her birthday. (She's turning 8). We are thinking of arranging her party before that so I will be there for that but not for her actual birthday. I thought I could tell her that her and me will do something special when I'm back.

Yabu: Birthdays are very important at this age and missing it will tell her that she is not a priority for you.

Yabnu: helping family in a medical emergency trumps birthdays. DD will just have to suck it up and learn that while she is very impo

It's just a day that she won't remember in a few year.s. Just go !

DH missed our DC’s 10th birthday because he was attending MIL’s funeral abroad. We got the rest of the family involved to make it really special and while she does remember it as a sad birthday she was fine.

However, as someone who has been caring for an elderly parent recently I would encourage you to also think beyond this immediate crisis time. Presumably your DSis and yourself will not be able to be going back and forth endlessly to help. It might actually be better for your parents to have a few days on their own to work out what they need help with, what’s working and what’s not. Otherwise there might be a temptation to just let you and your sibling take care of everything and then you’ll be leaving and your parents won’t feel capable of managing. That’s how it has worked out with my DM who is very capable but prefers to let others do everything for her, which isn’t always practical. She needs some gentle encouragement to make the most of her abilities.

I wouldn’t miss my child’s birthday at that age. Your parents are adults and have carers.

I’d go after your daughters birthday, your husband will actually have to cope with his two children going back to school.

I think OP and her sister are best placed to decide how much support their parents need. When my Mum had a stroke my Dad was hospitalised within a week due to becoming ill himself from the shock and stress. And that was with me there supporting (and importantly being there to get my Dad to hospital when it became necessary). He would also have sworn blind he could have coped but I knew he was starting to struggle with certain things beforehand and in that situation required support.

Having seen how quickly my, not that old, parents went from healthy and active, to both being hospitalised, I definitely wouldn't let either of my parents go through something similar alone. And they're both fully recovered and happily living their lives independent of me again now. Whereas the outcome might have been quite different if I hadn't temporarily stepped up to help out and been there when needed.

Also OP may not be 100% needed to provide care, but her DM has had a stroke of course she wants to be there.

Its a life lesson for DD. Tough to learn, but necessary. Birthdays dont trump everything else.

Over the last few years, I put my dad first. I missed my youngest childs first birthday as I was driving an 8 hour round trip as he’d been taken into hospital (I had to fight to get him diagnosed with dementia). I missed my eldest sons graduation, my middle child’s 8th birthday. All dealing with him. I missed so much of my toddlers first 18 months caring for him and fighting for him to get care.

It was seeing my 8 year old upset that I was always running off 4 hours away to him that made me think enough was enough and I drew a line a refused to do anything else. I’m an only child with no other family so it meant him going into a home.

This is your time with your child and you will never get it back.

Obviously, my experience has clouded my view. But I wish I’d put my own children first from the beginning.

No, it's got nothing to do with him being a man. He's barely slept for more than an hour for the last month because he and my sister are the only ones that can somewhat calm dm down. When she isn't calm she is a danger to herself (as in she tries to get up, which she isn't meant to do as she can't walk yet or she tries to pull her wires off her, etc). The carers are not able to prevent that without being extremely heavy handed which my dad doesn't want so he is with her 24/7. She isn't herself at the moment and she is barely sleeping, which means that my dad doesn't get much sleep either. As I said he is not in very good health either so we are worried about him as well. She currently needs more than one family member to be around to do all the things the carers can't do. It's a very complex situation and I don't want to go into the details because it's not relevant.

What is relevant is that my parents are struggling massively and are suffering. I can help them and make their life a bit easier by missing DD's birthday or I can go later and have them struggle on their own for a few days in the hope that they will be able to hang on without either of them getting worse till I get there.

Go take care of your mum, your DD will have more birthdays that you will be there for. Arrange a lovely day out or party for her before you go and perhaps a couple extra presents under her bed to open on her birthday. A few FaceTime calls on the day. It will be hard for her to understand but I would try to explain that granny is unwell and needs to be taken care of but that doesn’t mean she is less important. Her birthday will still be celebrated.

I wouldn't miss my daughters birthday personally. Your parents chose to live away from family in Spain so they should have made contingency plans for this type of thing. They'll have to get in carers.

Eh? OP says she chose to move away from their country.

Five years ago, I had cousins over from Long Island, The Bronx and Brooklyn visiting .
After a few days, two of them asked me nervously " where are the elders?". They had noticed the British invisibility of inconvenient old people.
I told them that old people and notions of parenting outside of the parameters of atomised affirmation are hated by the class of people that hold the cultural power in the UK and for whom strident authoritarian insecurity which translates into a fear of being disliked is their main purview.
This thread has not proven me wrong.

I would go to your parents but strictly on a short term basis and use the time to plan longer term care. The current set up is not sustainable and not fair. If DM can't be left and carers can't be arranged within the two planned weeks they would have to consider residential care.
What were you parents' plans for managing illness or coping as they aged and became frail when they moved?

Apologies, I see that maybe you moved. But point still stands.

I can't believe some of the utterly vile posts on here. @StressBallPit of course you should go and help your mum. Your dd is old enough to understand that her grandmother needs your help. She'll have her dad on the day and her party when you come back. Maybe allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into a bigger/extra present. It'll be fine.

It's absolutely shocking isn't it?

Go and mind you mother, you only have one, your DD will have other birthdays.

Funny old world when an eight year old is dictating terms.

Is you DH saying go after the party but before birthday so he doesn’t have to deal with the party alone? Either way your parents come first on this occasion.

I wonder if DD is worried that her dad won’t be organised enough to make her actual birthday feel special. Especially if he’s stressed dealing with younger DD too.

It might help if you discuss with DH & make actual solid plans of what they will do. If there are friends or family that can come over for the day that would also help. Eg We are meeting X & Y at the zoo, and then they will come back with us for birthday cake. Give her a plan to look forward to.

I'm hoping posters just haven't bothered to RTFT because yes, it's pretty grim given op's updates on the realities of her parents' situation.

Eh? Where did you get that the parents moved away to Spain? OP clearly states she moved away.

Go OP. You're mum's had a stroke and from your update, it sounds as tho your parents need you. It's a no brainer

Could your mother just not go into some sort of rehabilitation home for a few weeks? There probably isn’t going to be a quick fix to her situation. What when you have left?
We have grandchildren and we would absolutely not want our children to miss any special occasion for our grandkids if one of us became ill.
Birthdays at that age are so important.

Really? Because missing one birthday despite the e fact you celebrate date it for her a few days before will scar her for life and she will never recover. Looks like you’re raising entitled brats.

I wouldn’t miss my child’s birthday. I’d go after.

Go. Your daughter is old enough to understand her grandparents needs right now need to be put ahead of her wishes to celebrate her birthday with you.

Do something special for her when you get back.

"Could your mother just not go into some sort of rehabilitation home for a few weeks? "

Fuck me, this gets worse and worse....