I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

It's completely unreasonable!

How on earth is the mum going to make a judgement on how effective the tutoring is by watching? Is she a qualified teacher too, able to make a progress report at the end of the week?

The results from tutoring will be obvious when or if the child's grades improve.

My dd wouldn't do the music lessons she desperately wanted to do unless I sat in. I finally agreed if I was allowed to wear noise cancelling earphones. I really didn't think it was fair on the teacher to have me eavesdropping!

So you think most teachers are paedophiles?

I'd be looking for other pupils to tutor or.go virtual. Perhaps move on to tutoring adults.

The dynamic completely changes, and I wouldn't want to do it.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to ask her to leave and explain as above - changes the dynamic etc.
i prefer to be told those things as I never know whether I’m expected to stay or not- everyone is different and had different preferences

No feedback at all, I would have really appreciated some written feedback just so I didn’t feel in the dark. Thankfully my child was improving so I didn’t get too hung up about it and trusted the tutor.

My ex husband was {Is} a tutor- working from our house and in schools. ~Parents used to come and wait in the living room with me sometimes- I didn't mind.
However, ex has all the checks.

It was very rare that a parent sat in on the actual lesson.

@ShinetheLights
There is absolutely nothing inappropriate by setting the terms under which you are willing to pay for a service. Equally , there is an absolute right to set the terms under which you will render a service. When there is a conflict or impasse is reached, you both agree that you cannot do business together.

There is no definitive right of wrong here; there is only a preferred way of doing business and a preferred way of receiving that service. Given the lack of agreement, these are 2_people who would be happier if the client took her money and sought services elsewhere.

It is a voluntary vs a captive process Neither the tutor nor the client needs to be dissatisfied..

The parent being there changes the dynamic.

Absolutely this. All children behave differently when the parents aren't around. Sometimes children interact better without a parent. Also there is no conflict about who is in charge if behaviour needs dealing with.

One of the benefits I always thought (especially when tutoring for entrance exams) was to help children interact with an adult on their own footing, without always looking to mum or dad. A lot of independent schools will do an interview where the parents definitely won't be able to sit in.

It sounds like the boy is struggling to get into the sessions with mum hovering. While she might want to stay, I don't think sitting at the table is going to help anybody. Hopefully just behind him, with a book or magazine will help him to forget she's there.

I've had that same experience (as a teacher working with pupils in my home for social services) and it is very difficult. I initially weakened because their domestic circumstances were dreadful and the poor Mother told me what a relief it was to escape for an hour. It was a mistake , after a couple of sessions Mother felt so at home she kept interrupting, chatting, joining in the lesson and distracting the pupil.

As a child, I would have found this v difficult if my parent chose to sit in. Kids behave differently and often feel self-conscious in these situations in front of a parent and it really does alter the dynamic of a session.

I do tutoring and I totally understand what you say. Some parents even butt in on assessments, it makes my blood boil.
But also been in the flip coin in that a parent never stays, but returns end of hour and wants a minute by minute break down of everything that happened in the session. So for every hour they also got 30 minutes free.

Just to add, I made it difficult for one annoying parent wanting to stay by removing the chair. So she was left standing. Maybe adjust the layout of your room or say at start are you staying or enjoying some free time at the shops? Or position a chair away from the table!

If it's the case that the parent wants to be able to reinforce the teaching at home, or is interested to see how the child is making progress, but tutor thinks them being in the room is bad for the dynamic, could they Zoom the session so the parent can see what's going on while waiting in the car?

YANBU but I would have no idea what the norm is. I would feel bad dumping my kid on you if I left and you were expecting me to stay.

Now I’m worrying my son’s piano teacher is annoyed at me because he wants me to sit in each lesson 😄

Oh silly me, I must be imagining that my colleagues and I do this every day of our working lives in 2023. 🙄

I'm a private tutor - I find parents often think they're expected to sit in the room. I always say "students usually do better when parents aren't in the lesson" and I never have any pushback. I invite them to sit in another room but most sit in the car.

When my DC's were young, they had music lessons at our house. They were 6 and 9. Tutor asked me to stay in the room for safeguarding reasons. I assumed this was the norm, so when they had a tutor for something else, I also stayed in the room - but I was otherwise occupied. Is there a chance she's continuing the practise of a previous tutor and, like me, hasn't realised it's not the norm?

I used to just drop my child. Tutor was in a garden office . I fail to see how anything 'dodgy' could have gone on - lights on and full bifold glass doors - on view to her entire family sitting in the back of their house!

Ultimately, we shouldn't just presume all adults are paedos waiting for an opportunity to strike.

If you're that paranoid, ask for a zoom session.

well, you have said it, glass door, and in full view, no issue

I don’t think you can dictate to a parent of a child what their limits are. You can voice a preference, but to me the safety of kids is paramount and I would much rather err on the side of caution, and that is for me as a parent to decide, not a complete stranger, DBS checked or not.

It really shouldn’t affect any tutoring having a parent there, if you are a professional.

And unfortunately there have been cases in sports and music private lessons of abuse, which have only come to light in recent years. These challenge the assumptions that parents just ‘have to trust’ other adults with their child’s care.

The bottom line is that it shouldn’t affect a professional like yourself in your ability to teach a child, if it does then you just need to upskill yourself as there is zero reason apart from your own awkwardness. Kids have to sit in classrooms with teaching assistants etc and the teacher can still teach, it’s just another adult in the corner.

I do have a child who has disabilities and I always judge the situation and sit in if I feel it is needed. That’s up to me, not the teacher. Although for me if a teacher is totally fine with me sitting in, they are often the one’s that I end up leaving on their own with my DS, with me just sat outside.

Bit unprofessional as well as mean! I’d have sacked you.

Sounds horrible. I had something similar when I taught many years ago. It wasn't one-to-one but a class of 5-7 year olds. There was a glass panel from the hallway looking into the classroom and this one mother would spend three hours, every day, standing there, arms folded, staring through the window. She never spoke, never smiled, just stared. It went on for about a year and made me feel really paranoid. In the end I went to the head teacher and said 'I can't do this, either she goes or I do'. Thankfully she did, but it was really getting to me and I was on the verge of leaving.

I agree it changes the dynamics and think it is better to establish the relationship between child and tutor without the parent, that said I acknowledge that she might want to listen in to support etc.

The comments suggesting tutors are a possible risk is in my view rather worrying - parents have to exercise judgement, not everyone is a risk to a child. Children are with different adults in a range of situations - not all are DBS checked, what about visiting a friends house etc or library etc - we are not with out children 100% of the time