I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

@orangeleavesinautumn you sound unhinged. ‘Untrained’, ‘stupid’, ‘evil’ for a teacher to be alone with a pupil? Are you high?

I very much doubt you’ve ever been a teacher as anyone who has knows that being alone with a child at some point during the school day is a very common occurrence and not something anyone blinks an eye at.

If I need to have a chat with a child about their work or behaviour at the end of a lesson, do you really think I’m going to get the child to sit there and wait while I wander off to find a colleague who can come back with me to sit and watch while I talk to said child about their essay? Who on earth would have time to do this?!

What about if I’m walking down a corridor and a child is passing me - should I run away in the opposite direction so we don’t ever spend any time alone in the same space together?

Your claims are absolutely absurd. Teachers are alone with children all day every day and it is perfectly safe for them to be so if school safeguarding procedures are followed. I’ve been teaching for well over a decade and never had any issues.

Working in a different context I always disliked when someone brought in an extra person. It was a me problem though, I had no reason to feel that way. I used to feel like I'd be evaluated and judged by the extra person (which I probably was, but I had no reason to feel this was a problem, because I did well with my work). It was really up to the person I was seeing if they were comfortable with that or not so it was just something I had to get over. Lack of confidence when being watched OP?

Where does this end? Are parents allowed to sit in on ballet lessons? Brownies? Group guitar lessons? Private school classes?

@Jobalob

Can't speak for schools but university staff are advised to leave the door open or request another member of staff to sit in the meeting, there's to be no secrets anyway. Too many cases of accusations of impropriety over the years means they don't trust anyone, least of all students - and yes exh was offered bribes (turned down of course) ti increase marks and in one case give the answers in advance!, always overseas students in his case)

Yes potentially, or sit in a waiting area outside the room. The ballet parents mostly wait in the seating area here. Anyway group activities with multiple adults are not the same as 1:1

My dad was a secondary school teacher who asked did private English tuition at home. His pupils were almost always 11 & over but I do remember some parents staying for lessons. Most didn't, but some did.

At least one was for cultural reasons. As a teenage girl it was not acceptable for her to be alone with a male unaccompanied whether that male possessed a DBS/CRB or not.

Also not asked!

Yes, as university staff we are recommended to leave the door open. In case of tears or by request with a student I know reasonably well I will close it, however. I think most men I know will, also. I am personally unaware of false accusations and the only real lech I know is finally aging out of the role. Not that I ever heard of inappropriate activities in his office though I suppose he had to start the grooming somewhere

I do understand parental worries but what do concerned parents make of the collective remarks from experienced tutors that most children learn better when parents leave (or wait in a separate room)? I think working in the child’s home with the parent in another room is a good solution

I would do it.

So many replies! I can’t keep up. A few things - no, it’s not a lack of confidence about me being watched @WannaBeRecluse. I’ve been routinely observed throughout my career and I’m in my fifties. Being watched is nothing new! I think I made it very clear that it’s affecting the dynamic of the lesson and the pupil.

There are three of us sitting at a round table which means both of us are looking at his work over each of his shoulders. I don’t know how some posters can’t understand that it’s not ideal!

@Norr ’if someone told me I couldn’t, they wanted my son totally alone with no chance of being disturbed, I would be suspicious.’ That scenario absolutely isn’t what is happening here. The parent is sitting at the table and actively being part of a 1-2-1 lesson. They are not in a corner of the room, in the hall, in another room with a door open or observing on a camera which are all absolutely fine.

I have another lesson in a couple of days so I’ll see how that goes. I think the advice to ask her to get on with something else while she sits at the table will currently be the best compromise as she’s clearly keen to stay but I’ll see what the next lesson is like.

DD had a maths tutor from the age of about 13, and had singing lessons. Each time the tutor (who like the OP was a fully qualified teacher working in local schools) would be on their own with the student. DD's maths tutor would come to the house, sit at the kitchen table, I'd say hi and make him a cup of tea, then do whatever needed doing in other rooms until he was done. With singing, I'd drop DD and pick her up when she was done.

I get why the OP thinks it changes the dynamic. She is of course free to say to the parent that she'd prefer not to have her sitting in on every lesson. The mother is of course free to say she'll take her child elsewhere.

I agree it changes the dynamic. However, if OP doesn't want parents in the room, I think she needs to have an outside the room space, not too far away, for parents to sit in.

If the child is uncomfortable and distracted, I would have a chat and explain that children often focus better without parents as they feel more free to make mistakes and respond freely, in my experience. Frame it as children tending to be keen not to let their parents down. I would give her the option of being occupied in the room, perhaps with a magazine, or not being there at all. She sounds either desperate for him to do well or on another planet.

You can't really ask her to leave you alone on the basis that you don't like her being there. I've been a tutor to hundreds and sometimes you can get parents who want to be there. If they're paying and you want to keep their custom, it's just one of those things. A headache.

She wasn't taught this on the first day of teacher training because it's not actually usual practice.

Often, children want to speak to you in private, and it's important they have the space to be able to do this because they may have something serious to disclose. Or it may be something that feels serious/a big deal to them.

Equally, sometimes a teacher needs to speak to a child one on one about their behaviour/learning. Sometimes TAs will take a child into a quiet space as well. If a child is entitled to a reader/scribe in exams, they will usually practice in a separate space to the rest of the class, often 1:1 with a member of staff.

In most cases, the door will be open, and you'd try to position the student between you and the door, but there aren't necessarily other staff nearby.

But equally sometimes Heads of Year etc, sometimes sorting out friendship issues/falling out/behaviour issues in a small office will need to have a conversation with a child with the door closed.

I genuinely can't believe you've had anything to do with schools if you've never seen an adult and a child interact 1:1 with no other adults around.

So... it's lunchtime, all the other staff in your department have gone to the staffroom but you're just finishing something off. Child comes to see you alone, he's left his PE kit in the classroom next door.

You... what... don't let him go and get it and tell him to go away as you can't be alone in a room with him? Really?

You cannot apply for your own enhanced dbs to my knowledge. It has to be applied on your behalf.

Spot on. Self-employed people can only get a basic DBS which is current and unspent convictions/cautions already.

If a tutor is hired through an agency, then that agency may be able to register as an umbrella body and apply for enhanced disclosure that way. This is what most sports coaches do - they are self-employed sole traders, but are part of Tennis England or Surrey Golf or whatever and those bodies can help them with enhanced disclosure. Alternatively, you look for a tutor who is a fully qualified teacher, currently employed in a school.

There is a loophole with tutoring in that anyone can set themselves up as a tutor for any reason. You don't have to have teaching experience or qualifications. So it's up to the parent to do the due diligence and check out what they're paying for.

Yes DBS is only a marker of past conduct and no guarantee but it's the best system we have at present. The two tutors we have used have been found through word of mouth and asking around friends rather than picking a randomer off the internet.

I agree it's best to keep the door open wherever possible but in schools we simply don't have the spare adults to ensure all meetings have another adult present.

If every time a middle leader was trying to talk to a child about a behaviour issue or something private, they needed another member of staff present, basically nothing would ever get done.

Also, if a child comes to you urgently and says e.g. they don't feel safe going home tonight, sometimes it can't wait until you can find another free adult to sit in. Obviously everything is recorded and passed on straight away!

All doors do have glass panels in them, so in theory someone can see in if the door is shut, and you'd make sure the child was between you and the door so they can leave if they really want to (this is also to keep yourself safe from physical assault).

I used to take my son in year 5 and important to keep was his confidence to go in without me. However it also wasn't worth me driving home and fortunately it was a business office and she found me a room to sit in. I'd have happily sat in the car too.

"Just wondering if you would like to actually drop off DS with me this time? I've found that in the past the children actually do better if its just me and them learning together. If you want to learn how I teach some of the topics so you can help him at home yourself I would be happy to go through some of the methods at the end of the lesson with you if you wanted to return 5 minutes before the end of lesson? Or is it just something you are not comfortable doing in general - I'd be happy to discuss any concerns with you."

My DD has golf lessons which I stay and watch about 50% of the time. The reason being that I want to take a mental note of the things she's been asked to work on so when we are practising alone I can remind her and know what to look for. She can also be really unfocussed and talks when she shouldn't which I am embarrassed by, so I stay to try and get her to focus - although I don't do this anymore but have asked her couch to tell me if she's ever getting to be "too much"

Another reason is perhaps she's driven there and doesn't want to drive away to just come right back. Not your problem though!

Is there a chance that the mum feels really unconfident in the subject you are tutoring and is seeing this as an opportunity to improve? In which case she should really be paying you double!

Maybe the child doesn't feel secure being left? Nothing to do with you, just where they are developmentally.

@orangeleavesinautumn where is the answer to my question? I'm sorry but my only conclusion from your posts must be that you are mentally unwell.

Or a troll

How strange. YANBU.