I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

I was invited to stay at my daughter's music lesson so do. However other parents wait outside in the car.

I have absolutely no concerns with the tutor and would wait outside if they preferred me to.

The other lesson my daughter has is virtual. My daughter doesn't want me to stay buy I am elsewhere in the house so can be called if needed.

I can see how a parent being there would change the dynamic between the child and the tutor. Also that a child will learn better if they have a better relationship and feel comfortable to say when they don't understand ( which they may not do with the parent observing).

If you feel the session will be better without the parent there I would kindly say that they don't need to stay, most parents don't and maybe explain why you prefer it without. It could be that they just assumed they needed to stay.

Being in the room and sitting at the table responding to your teaching are different things. I know you didn't intend to drip feed, you just assumed we would know what you meant by distracting same as you assumed she would know you prefer her to leave.

You need to have only two chairs at the table and the other one where you want her to sit. If she moves it then you ask if you can have a quick chat with her outside before the lesson. Explain in a really positive way how great it is that she's supportive in her child's learning but you noticed last week he was looking to her when answering as obviously he's used to her being the one supporting his learning at home. You need to work on childs confidence and independent learning and so could she please help with that by...

I agree with you OP. Though the parent may decide to go elsewhere.

It's more to keep you safe, Op.

If you have an allegation made against you, you could be arrested, you could lose access to your own children, you could be banned from working with children while the allegation is investigated.

Think very carefully before you decide to work alone with a child.

My child did tutoring online and both tutors were teachers, one teacher had her own setting at her house and I would have been fine to leave my child. The only problem I've ever had with my child receiving tutoring on their own was that the tutors never provided any feedback on how they were doing and seemed reluctant to schedule a time for
a quick chat.

How far from your house does she live? She might not see any point in leaving him if she has to return not long after getting home. Does she drive?

Only 2 chairs at the table for the next visit and another chair for the Mum. If she goes to move it I would ask to speak to her about it.

My Mum used to come to my music lessons but she was always sat behind me so I couldn't see her face and she was silent throughout the lesson. I would try to position the chair where the Mum is not fully face on to your pupil to help with their concentration.

Our Tutors always said that we must be nearby for tutoring sessions. So usually they were in the dining room and I was either in the kitchen or the living room.

Probably a misunderstanding. You invited her the first time and now she probably thinks this is how you do things. 😂

I am a tutor myself... and never really had this. I have had the parent occasionally pop their head in ( as i tutor at the students house). But not sit in full time.

I guess its only either because you havent yet set expectations or because you are currently a stranger.

If you've invited her in, she probably thinks she's expected to stay and is looking keen so you don't think badly of her

My kids have always had one to one music and singing lessons at school with the door shut. Learning instruments or singing, it can be very distracting to have others look in/be around.

I'm a tutor and am willing to let parents sit in on lessons. I give them a chair in the corner, away from my table, or invite them to sit on my terrace outside my office.
However, it's not ideal. One of my parents sat in on every lesson for around 6 months, then suddenly stopped. The child us so much more relaxed without her there.
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but is there a way of rearranging your furniture and creating a 'waiting area' even just a few feet away from where you are working with the child?

This setup sounds awful. The kid has two tutors: you and his helicopter mum. Poor child. The same table is crazy.

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy
You're is a simple solution. Just tell her that you would prefer that she not sit in on the sessions, and explain your rationale. If she agrees all will be well; If she disagrees , she will end the tutoring and again all will be well.

She regularly posts extreme views. For attention maybe?

I’m a self-employed instrumental teacher, parents come in for the first lesson if they/the child wants. After that 95% wait outside in their car, others go for a walk in the nearby park or go home if local. I don’t have parents in generally, it is too distracting for students. I have colleagues who teach the Suzuki method who encourage parents in, but it’s not how I teach.

When I am in schools I can sometimes be in a very isolated part of the school, on my own with a child. Doors have to have a window in, but they are closed.

I have enhanced DBS and RPTS (registered private teacher status). I would never dream of doing something inappropriate with a student, and, like the OP, am surprised at the number of people saying they would see it as a red flag.

There's no way on earth I'd be leaving my young dc alone in a strangers house DBS checked or not.

No feedback at all? That's not good practice.

I don't allow 'quick chats' outside of lesson time. They are never 'quick' and parents don't respect my free time. I'm happy for parents to join us for the first 5 minutes and I provide weekly written feedback. Much like other professionals such as lawyers etc, I don't give away my personal time for free. Did you request to book a meeting?

Id relish the chance to go and do something else for an hour. Even if its just sit in the car and read a book/listen to the radio.

Offer them a virtual session. It’s really weird the parent wants to hover. Charge double as you are tutoring both of them. In all seriousness the parent will not be allowed in to the exam (assuming they are aiming for the 11+) with the child so ask the parent what do they want to achieve with the sessions. And get them to understand they aren’t helping by being present

Get a smaller table

No time to read 100s of posts but here goes....

I was a tutor for over 20 years (QTS, decades in schools too) ) with ages from 7 to 18 and would not have accepted this.

I think you need some T&Cs to stop this happening.

The reason is - it's not about lack of trust (if it was that, then she should have a tutor come to her home) - but it's more the dynamics of a 3-way relationship.

Tutoring is most effective 1:1.

A child might be inhibited with a parent there.

I welcomed parents in when they dropped off their child. They could see where we worked (study , right by the front door and downstairs loo next to it) and they were welcome to come in at the end of the lesson to discuss any homework.

I think you need to speak to the parent and ask why they want to stay with their child, because it's the equivalent of sitting at the child's desk in a classroom.

As I said, if it's trust and she is worried about child abuse, she should only employ tutors who can go to her home but even then she ought not to sit in on the lesson.

It could be that the mom is dissatisfied with the progress that her child is making in his regular classroom which she has no opportunity to observe. She may feel that if she is going to pay for extra or supplemental instruction, she wants the opportunity to observe the process. That is not an unreasonable request.

None of the activities you listed are one to one though