I’m a tutor & a parent wants to sit in on every lesson

[BrightGreenMoonBuggy]

I’m a qualified teacher and I also offer private tuition. I’ve just taken on a new pupil (going into year 6 in September) and he recently came to my house for his first lesson. I invited his mum in and she sat in for the whole lesson. I had no problem with this as usually the first session involves some discussion and it’s fine for a parent to want to see how I teach. During this lesson, I showed her my up-to-date clear DBS certificate. She then booked a second lesson but instead of dropping her son at mine and picking him up at the end of the lesson, followed him in and sat in on the whole lesson again.

The thing is, I don’t want a parent sitting in on lessons every time. It changes the dynamic and I just want to be able to have an hour with the child. Instead, I have her just sitting there which is really off putting.

So, AIBU to ask her to drop her son off and not expect to sit in on every lesson? Or is it reasonable for her to expect to be able to observe everything since it’s a service she’s paying for? And if I’m not BU, how do I word the request without offending her?

YABU- the mum should be able to sit in on every lesson if she wants.
YANBU - the mum should drop her son off and leave me to it.

Sounds like crossed wires. Maybe you were unclear about sitting in for the first lesson only, or she just didn't pick up on it. Most people just want to know the ground rules, so just let her know. I hate it when things like payment processes, finish times, other general but important expectations/ information are unclear. I get how it would change the dynamic having her there. But also maybe it is genuinely useful for her to be there and get an insight into areas her kid needs to work on.

tutors are also potentially AT risk, themselves, and need to be sure they are protected

Just tell her your rules. My DD’s daughter (same age) made it clear on the first lesson that parents were not to sit in, and the lesson was between her and DD. I had absolutely no issue with this (in fact, it was a relief!)

@orangeleavesinautumn
I agree with regard to protecting the tutor - in fact I think the tutor is more at risk than the child

A Mum sat on the back seat during a lesson? 😂
Mortifying.
My DC would have disowned me.

As a parent, it can be difficult to leave them for an hour, as it is not long enough to go home and do something else, though I guess that depends on how far away the tutor lives.
Maybe there should be a 'waiting area', with a chair to sit in, that is outside the room.
There is also a safe guarding issue, that you could be leaving a young child alone with an adult, unless the tutoring takes place at some kind of centre.
It might be easier to have the tutor come to your house, except then they could charge you for the extra travelling time.

I wouldn’t use you then. I know a lot of kids with tutors and it’s all drop off.

OP, if parent is worried can she sit in another room? Agree dynamic would be v odd with permanent parent observer.

She is paying you so it's up to her really, maybe she doesn't see it worth going home by the time she gets there???? You could just say "you don't have to stay you know if you have errands you need to do?"

I've recently had the same. The Mum insisted on sitting in every single session. The pupil was 16 years old.

@PimmsandCucumbers tutoring a child with disabilities is a special situation. I and presumably other current and former tutors are not necessarily qualified to speak to it.

But your idea that a parent’s presence threatens the tutor is mistaken. We’ve been saying repeatedly that the issue is that children are concerned to please their parents and to this end they are reluctant to expose their ignorance in front of those parents. Children can even perceive a tutor as an ally of the parent against themselves. Privacy preserves the child’s dignity (with a good tutor) and allows the child the freedom to make mistakes and thus to learn.

I'm really sorry i can't give you feedback at the minute as I've got another student arriving soon but i can send you a quick update on WhatsApp this eve.
Job done

I had maths and voice tutoring from being about 8/9 years old and my parents never stayed to either. Honestly I don’t think I’d have done half as well at it with my mum or dad there, it changes the whole dynamic. Having a parent there leaves a child worrying they have to please the parent to sort of validate that their time/money is being well spent.

I’d politely say ‘Usually I teach these tutoring sessions with just the child on their own, I find it helps them to concentrate on the subject and not worry about what mum or dad is thinking. You are welcome to sit in on sessions but I don’t think X will get the most out of them this way.’

See what she says from there. Obviously if she has an issue with it then either continue as it is now (if you are ok with that) or she can no longer be a customer. But no YANBU. I leave my 5 year old at gymnastics in a group and tap lessons recently moved to alone with her teacher. I’ve found she has progressed far better in the class where parents don’t watch. If they are DBS checked why would you have a problem with it? And if for some reason you do then don’t use a tutoring service because it’s standard practice to be alone with the child.

You pays your money.....
If they want to sit in, annoying, but fair enough. It's their money.

My daughter had a tutor at the same age. She made it clear at the beginning, first lesson I was to stay in the room but read a book rather than participate, second lesson onwards I was to leave assuming my daughter was happy with that. Think that’s completely reasonable for all the same reasons you’ve stated, the problem is you weren’t clear at the beginning. I would just say to the mum that now her son has settled and got to know you she should drop off going forward, and make it clear to new clients in the future that this is the expectation.

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy that is a bit odd, I never watch/say anything unless I’m asked (my son has autism and sometimes the tutor asks me about his ability or whether he should leave homework or something)- I actively enjoy having someone else be responsible for teaching for a bit!

I guess because she is paying you she feels like she can determine how the session goes- I suppose all you can do is tell her you don’t want to work like that and she can choose to find a different tutor if she wants.

I don’t buy that it completely ruins a session to have a parent sit in. Kids have to learn in huge classes in school with judging peers, with other adults and for the most part kids just get their heads down and do it.

An adult minding their own business in the room, shouldn’t be a problem. And I think this is over exaggerated. Unless a parent is constantly butting in or staring intently all the time, the tutor and child are able to get on with learning just as easily. In fact there could be an argument that for some children, with one adult they are under even more pressure - the power dynamic is then all on the tutor who can trigger or press buttons that the child might feel uncomfortable with and you have no idea. The idea that there is some kind of special sacred open learning space if it’s just tutor and child is a fallacy.

The idea that there is some kind of special sacred open learning space if it’s just tutor and child is a fallacy.

Are you a teacher and have you ever tutored?

If it's a no, then you have no idea what you are talking about.

It doesn't take much to appreciate that a 1:1 relationship is very different to a 1:2 situation, where someone is observing AND where the person is a parent.

And trying to compare a classroom with several adults there is just silly.

@PimmsandCucumbers I don't think you've read what the OP has written. It is not that the OP who feels that the presence of the mother is inhibiting him in his teaching, rather that the child he is teaching is inhibited in learning. As for suggesting he needs to "upskill" to get over his inhibitions - which don't exist - how insulting. He has already said he's happy with streaming the lesson or having the parent in the next door room etc etc, just not with her dividing the child's attention and interfering with the lesson.

I agree completely with @ShinetheLights Parents consistently underestimate how much their DC want to please then.

I see this amongst my personal tutees at university all the time. TheseDC are both older and highly able but working out how to balance their own wishes with those of their parents is still a challenge for many. Furthermore from everything conveyed by my students the parents often have little idea of this

If she was sitting in the corner quietly reading a book or something I think that wouldn't be so bad. I can see why her actively getting involved in the lessons changes the dynamic. I think you need to ask her to sit away from the table where you're working so she's not being as distracting. When I was a teenage I had a private music tutor (male) who insisted on a parent chaperone for females students. It turned out he was date raping young boys, so I'm not sure chaperoning is always necessarily a bad thing.

No doubt she'll also want to attend his university and job interviews.

@NaturalNineties ah I see. Thanks for the heads up

Errr. My kids have a tutor and I sit in the 4 hr lesson

might text her now. She gets me loads of things. She gives me a blanket and headphones and I watch a film. She makes me cups of tea and I think she’s phenomenal!

im going to check though…

Is there somewhere else in your house she can sit and wait - kitchen? Living room?

I think you’re a grown up and a professional and it should be well within your capabilities to have a conversation with her on the phone in which you say you usually don’t have parents sitting in on each session, but that if it’s too tricky logistically to drop off and pick up then of course you understand and that you’re happy for her to have a cup of tea in X alternative space in your home while the lesson is going on. (Or that you can’t offer her somewhere else to sit, so would be grateful if she could drop off and pick up).

She is not a mind reader

I think I'd tell her find a different tutor.
She can't force you to teach in a way that doesn't work for you.