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Original poster

How to approach a husband who disappears

176 replies

ann3111 · 23/07/2023 19:25

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 23/07/2023 19:45

So no disagreement or anything? Just you cooking dinner, realised you're missing flour, he's said something like 'I'll pop out and get some love' and that's it, disappeared?

And he does this a lot? And never has an explanation for why or where he's been?

And you've never found out by other means where he's been? A friend of his saying they were at the pub last Friday, or pics on Facebook or something like that?

Does he disappear from other situations? Like work or social gatherings?

This is completely bizarre. If it was my DP (and without the swearing and shouting afterwards, definite evidence he's just being a dick imo) I'd be honestly worried he was having some sort of medical event and becoming confused to the point of not knowing where he was or what he was doing. It's that weird.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 19:46

FloofCloud · 23/07/2023 19:28

That's very strange and bizarre behaviour, I'd assume sex, gambling, drunk, drugs, affaire ... not necessarily in that order

This
OR gay hook ups

Windercar · 23/07/2023 19:46

Could it be his ED is with women or normal sex only…..

babbscrabbs · 23/07/2023 19:48

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 19:46

This
OR gay hook ups

Show quote history

Yeah.

It's so rude, disrespectful and cruel regardless.

Where does he say he's been? Can you ask him without getting angry?

Seaweed42 · 23/07/2023 19:50

Read the book 'Codependent no More' by Melodie Beattie.
Codependent women are rescuers.
When relationship difficulties occur, their mind goes into denial and they only see the fragile, childlike part of the man and ignore the abusive part.
It's a defence mechanism, a learned pattern of responding that keeps you stuck.

A bit like when a two year old kicks you on the shin, and you say 'oh poor little Jimmy is just tired and hungry that's why he kicked me' except you are doing that with an adult man.

He's bullying you and shunning you and thus triggering your abandonment fears. He knows you will be worried and will be so relieved to see him you'll just cave again.
He's playing you.
He's not in any danger and you aren't responsible for his feelings or his safety.

Next time he goes out DO NOT contact him. Do not text him or ring him.

MadeForThis · 23/07/2023 19:50

Where does he say he goes?

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 19:56

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 19:46

This
OR gay hook ups

Show quote history

I feel bad having added that now as it seems you are quite depressed BUT these are the most likely explanations
:(

Yellowflower47 · 23/07/2023 19:57

Obviously I’m sure you know that this isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour. It’s not how 99.9% of functioning adults act. Sadly, as with a lot of these threads, I doubt that there is much anyone here can suggest that will change how your DH behaves and stop him from disappearing. He chooses this behaviour, he doesn’t care how it impacts you. As you’ve said you’ve already tried to question him and to make him understand but he just reacts horribly to that, which causes further stress to you and your kids, no doubt. Firstly, it’s bizarre and out of order that he does it at all, but secondly, he could be doing something that you don’t agree with and that you’d end your marriage over when he does disappear. If you want it to change, sadly I think you’ll have to be the one to leave as he’s unlikely to change his actions.

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 23/07/2023 19:59

This the second thread I've seen recently about 'disappearing' men.

Assuming they haven't been abducted by aliens/arrested by M15/fallen down a sinkhole/walked into a time warp and are now in another galaxy, or have been eaten by a lion that's escaped from a zoo, we must therefore assume they are choosing this manipulative and selfish behaviour.

So the women also need to make a choice to stop enabling this and start divorce proceedings.🙄

Original poster
ann3111 · 23/07/2023 20:00

If he said ‘I’m just popping to the pub tonight’ how would you respond? Would you kick up a fuss or are you generally okay with that?

id be fine. Whoever he has work events or other events with friends I’m totally fine. It’s the fact he doesn’t respond. He could be 10 minutes or 10 hours! I have no idea when he just disappears

OP posts:
Original poster
ann3111 · 23/07/2023 20:02

Sorry everyone I’m reading through the posts now. Hank you got the responses! 28 new ones I haven’t read yet.

@Misspinkdiditinthelibrary can u link other thread pls.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:02

He might not want the guilt or hassle of having to lie?

Sunshine292 · 23/07/2023 20:03

Personally, I’d say he’s cheating. I know you say he has ED but cheating isn’t always physical.

How many times has he done this, what does he say when you push him to answer where he’s been?

Hufflepods · 23/07/2023 20:05

So what happens when he returns? It’s honestly weird that this is a regular occurrence Imo. Are you acting like it’s no big deal??

Easyontheeyes · 23/07/2023 20:06

What does he say when he gets back?

What’s your theory if you had to take a guess?

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 23/07/2023 20:06

He’s done it more than once and doesn’t explain where he’s been? I’d be getting rid of him… he can’t tell you where he goes and does it often, it’s just weird and rude.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:11

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:02

He might not want the guilt or hassle of having to lie?

Or he is "busy" with someone else so keeps his phone on silent each time

Farmy · 23/07/2023 20:13

How often does he do it?

Is he just sitting in the car on his phone doom
scrolling?

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 23/07/2023 20:15

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him.

That may be so....with you

he could just have been saying that to you over the years - disappearing like this has a flashing neon sign over it saying HE'S GETTING SEXUAL GRATIFICATION ELSEWHERE

Sarvanga38 · 23/07/2023 20:16

I would also be assuming his ED only applies with women and he’s going for hook-ups.

Bourbanbiscuit · 23/07/2023 20:16

Lock the doors, be surprised when he returns, 'oh I thought you had left'

BlackFlyChardonnay · 23/07/2023 20:16

I'd need to follow him or track him somehow. The not knowing would do my head in.

Hufflepods · 23/07/2023 20:18

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 23/07/2023 20:15

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him.

That may be so....with you

he could just have been saying that to you over the years - disappearing like this has a flashing neon sign over it saying HE'S GETTING SEXUAL GRATIFICATION ELSEWHERE

Agree. The fact that he has ED with you in no way means he isn’t cheating, sorry to point it out. Probably more likely he’s involved with sex workers.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:18

His reactions and behaviour when you ask him also raises red flags