Partner disappears/goes AWOL on benders

[newbirds]

In a nutshell... Been with my partner for over 5 (almost 6) years, in that time he has regularly gone AWOL on benders - usually after arguments, but sometimes not - sometimes just the night, sometimes for longer.

I have posted about this before because since having a baby, and craving stability, I feel more fraught about everything I guess.

Christmas was crunch time and I said if he carried on treating me like this we would have to go to counselling or split permanently, I could not take any more.

Things have been much better and I dared to believe we had turned a corner. Minimum alcohol, no awful fights, I’ve been so much happier.

On Saturday we went out with other friends (couples) for dinner and drinks. To cut a long story short he disappeared towards the end of the night, stopped answering his phone, rejecting my calls, he had our joint account card and door keys so I was effectively stranded. I stayed on the sofa at a friend’s. When I woke up in the morning he had sent one text message a couple of hours after disappearing to say ‘you home?’ But nothing else.

When I spoke to him in the morning he said it was entirely accidental, he’d been at a friend’s (snorting I would imagine, but he wouldn’t confirm) and he’d text me as soon as he ‘came round’ from the alcohol blackout. He has said he is sorry (albeit via text), he doesn’t mean to do these things and doesn’t know why he does but that’s it.

I don’t really have any other choice than to leave him, do I? This sort of thing has happened so many times since we’ve been together I refuse to believe it can be ‘accidental’, plus, ‘I can’t rememember’ is hardly a legitimate excuse, is it?

When pushed he’s said he won’t drink (but has drunk alcohol since then, so I’m not convinced that declaration was anything but an empty gesture), but he’s not prepared to have counselling or anything like that.

I feel I have snapped, I’ve put up with this shit for long enough. It was one thing to do it to me but now we’ve got a child, it’s setting a shocking example to them about how it’s acfeptable to treat someone you profess to love.

This man's primary relationship has always been with drink with you coming a very dim and distant second.

It was never acceptable for him to treat you like this and you're correct re setting a shocking example to your child. You have indeed put up with this for long enough, infact too long so why did you put up with this from him at all?. You may also want to consider what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

Time to rebuild your life with your child now without him in it on a day to day basis.

Absolutely. You don't need to put up with this and you should split with him or face the rest of your life making excuses for why you're still with him. The last thing you want is to be with him when your child is old enough to realise their dad goes on benders and doesn't come home - who wants that as a childhood memory.

It's 100% your responsibility to take control now because he isnt going to change and what's more he will do as long as you stay with him so you really have no choice. Set a good example to your little one and refuse to subject yourself to this anymore.

This is showing where you are in his priorities and you are not first. He left you locked out of your own home with no money. I wouldn't do that to anyone.

It was bad enough that he did this before but he's a father now, he should be acting responsibly. You're right you can't stay with him as he's not prepared to change. I'd suggest you connect Al Anon they're a great source of help for people who are affected by someone close to them having an alcohol problem.

Just awful, he is fully aware that he decides to IGNORE you, leave you stranded but ultimately he's humiliating you and doing his upmost to ruin the relationship, actions always speak louder than words, he's showing you exactly what he thinks of you, not a lot I'm afraid.

He's also spending family money on the most over rated, overtly expensive drug on the market; oh and also committing a legal act of which prison is the result of being caught.

Why on earth are you putting up with this crap; I'd bet he's cheating as well if he's high on coke, get rid OP, he won't change! Well, maybe when he's a pensioner but the signs are he is going to continue to ruin his life and drag you and your child along.

Disgusting behaviour.

an illegal.

Yep bet hes cheated as coke can be used to enhance sexual experiences. Going AWOL and coke not good Get rid.

Get this awful, useless man out of your life. That's the only advice you need and I suggest you take it.

You have a choice now.

Stay with a self-destructive person whatever you see in him now, which perception will change as he tries as he will to bring you down also.

Or steer your canoe down the other tributary in the river. One that's uncertain.

Leaving is stacked in your favour. You will always find new Ys in the river. You can always seek the cleaner water.

I've been there and he never changed, in the final year he started counselling etc. but I had told him at that point the damage was already done as I was living in a permanent state of anxiety and didn't think it could be fixed.

I don't know how many times I went on internet forums about this issue, when he hadn't come home again, I used to get countless PM's from women sharing their stories telling me their partner never changed and they had to leave them. In all the times I went on forums I don't think I ever came across one single person who said their partner had actually stopped it!

Where was your baby when he left you without your door keys ?

Been there... he used to go on a drug and drink bender every weekend leaving me with the kids. He even told me he'd choose his social life every time over me ... so I left. Was hard but had no regrets

Where was your baby when he left you without your door keys ?

With my parents at their house overnight.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it confirms what I thought I need to do now really but I’ve got no idea where to start to get the ball rolling with it all

He sent a text the other day saying he wouldn’t drink but, unsurprisingly, he’s been drinking this week. Not a lot, but when he’ll stop when he starts drinking is anyone’s guess which puts me on edge. I know I need to leave him to it, stop worrying etc but it’s so much easier said than done. It’s agonising really.

I have anxiety and depression (struggled since my teens) and this has set it off, things have been stressful at the moment but this was the final nail in the coffin... it’s been a horrible, horrible week.

It’s been strangely reassuring to hear from other people who have been there, done it, got the t-shirt etc and don’t think it’s OK. I live in a small town where this sort of thing seems to be an accepted part of life for many people and I think some people think I’m being unnecessarily dramatic. I just can’t bear living with the lack of stability it brings, for me and my baby.

Sorry for the disjointed reply, like I said it’s been a long week

I was a young mum of two ( my dd was 1) when I had enough. I just looked into getting a rented property and looked into tax credits etc and began to plan. I had no support and he constantly made it hard for me to leave. But it was the best thing I ever did. He carried on his lifestyle until the children were a lot older often sacrificing his time with them in order to chuck drugs and drink down his throat.

He clearly favours alcohol and drugs to you and the baby.