How to approach a husband who disappears

[ann3111]

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

He's treating you like shit. Why do you put up with it?

wonder how many people have ended up divorced after coming to Mumsnet for advice!?? Honestly, if you said my husband keeps leaving the loo seat up the response would be ‘divorce him NOW’!

@witnessprotection73 Would you want a relationship to be far worse than OP's one before a woman considers separation? I'm Catholic so wouldn't usually want to encourage people to split up, but this bloke's behaviour, and OP's life, are awful.

This. My XH did the same thing, often, and would usually rage if I asked. Mostly I didn't find out where he was; sometimes he'd been to see friends or to check out something he'd seen for sale

The point is that he chose - every time - to disappear without warning and reappear whenever he felt like it. He knew, obviously, that it would leave me in limbo. Therefore it was a deliberate choice to let me know how little I mattered.

What he's doing isn't important. What's important is that he's choosing to do it.

I don't think ED is eating disorder in this context... Erectile dysfunction!

This. If you really want to know where he is.

However that doesn't deal with the main issue that he's unreliable, knows it upsets you and he still does it.

I won't say LTB but I would say think carefully about your future and what you want from a relationship that's meant to be a partnership.

Don’t put an air tag in his car. He’ll get notified on his phone that it is travelling with him.

AirTags have a funny sound. I borrowed our DS’s suitcase recently and he left his AirTag in there.

it seemed to occur when I moved the open case when packing or unpacking.

however you can buy trackers and mount somewhere where a driver wouldn’t necessarily notice. Needs a SIM card to operate.

This.

I did digging and found this email chain where a woman is requesting money and he’s saying he’s transferred money but no video/picture received. I feel so sick

OK send it via bank transfer my cash app been frozen
Details
[identifying details redacted by MNHQ]

Does anyone know what part of the country the sort code is from? I’ve tried searching online but can’t find

Hi OP I think it might be a Monzo sort code.

Please can I have some support whilst I deal with this? I confronted him
and he’s denied. Took a screenshot of emails. He’s since changed email password but the outlook is open on my phone as I said “keep me signed in”. Does anyone know if/when it will time out?

@therainycamper will it show the location of the person?

He is abusive and a liar and is spending family money on a secret woman.

do you want support to put up with it or to leave? People will do either.

I do want to leave but I have zero money to my name. I don’t work and going back to my old job in October once my youngest starts school and is settled. I feel so upset. I haven’t bought my youngest his school uniform as DH said we have no money and we’re struggling. But he has £1000 lying around for this disgusting behaviour. I’m supposed to get up soon and meet a friend for play date, I feel so broken. Can’t tell friend anything as she will spread the gossip to everyone.

How the hell did I not see him got the pervert he is. Everyone comments he’s a nice guy and how lucky I am he works hard and is such a lovely bloke! I feel so sick. Im sorry if I don’t respond to anyone for a few hours I just need to get out of here with the kids.

Such a helpful reply. How many relationships have you got through, I'm guessing you'll be into 3 figures based on this advice!

He’s denied what? It’s there in black and white!

Sorry OP but you need to seriously think about an exit plan.

He has ED and then you find a sort code for a woman.

ED my ass.

He's got some explaining to do.

Sounds like he's been meeting up with someone behind your back. So much for Ed..

At any rate he has given some other woman money behind your back whilst saying the family has no money.

If there's nothing in it then why has he also changed the email password.

Sending you much love right now.Maybe going out for a bit might take your mind off things until your ready to sit down and talk.

You are better off on your own than with someone like that. I’m so sorry.
you must be in total shock. Have you anyone in real life that can help you, or family to support you?

Ok sorry I take previous advice back.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Can you ask him to leave? You have the children so really he should.

Is the account a joint one? Can you get some money from it? Even if it means going in to branch (although if Monzo obviously not possible).

If none of the above & if going to parents/other family isn’t an option you have no choice but to present yourself as homeless to the local council. I’d lay it on about being scared because he flies in to a rage or else they may perceive you as intentionally homeless.

Re money, you will get UC, child tax credits & Child benefit. If he’s getting any paid to his account call them today. This will at least be a start and you will have some time to think about what you do moving forward. He will have to or Should also pay maintenance.

Don’t worry about the uniform yet. You have time and options. There are organisations that donate uniform, you can post on FB as someone will have old uniform. In a week or so try to go to citizens advice and have a chat about finances and other options.

Honestly, you’ll work it out but one day at a time. I hope you have friends around for support xx

Bless your sarcasm. I'm just sure of what I will and won't put up with.

He's an arsehole. Dump.

Such a helpful reply. How many relationships have you got through, I'm guessing you'll be into 3 figures based on this advice!

@Spanky123 Is this a relationship you would put up with? It's pretty clear what OP should do, especially now she's found some evidence of stuff going on.

I wonder if this is related to fetishes then, eg paying cam girls or dominatrix..
Would you be able to remain with him until you start your job and create a financial cushion for yourself? As in separate but both remain in the house?