How to approach a husband who disappears

[ann3111]

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

I assume he is now home?

Is it really bad to try lighten the mood? I have been respectful and offering suggestions to OP but really this must be devastating for her to read about and even consider these scenarios
Sorry to cause offense

I thought that too. Sorry OP

Yes it is in this case, read the room.

ED since his 20s and he's behaving as though he's having an affair though he's not a sexual person...I would have to just apply logic (as an outsider, I know it's harder to see clearly when you're in the relationship) and I'd assume he is possibly gay or has a fetish you would not approve of.

There is still a very small but slim chance that there is an innocent and reasonable explanation behind all of this

The slamming doors and swearing will be an avoidance technique to not answer you. Lay it on the line Answers right now and show me your phone because your unexplained disappearing acts stop right now or that's us over.

Are you ok OP? Did he turn up?

For example, severe depression/mood disorder

Has his ED been from the very beginning of your relationship or did it start perhaps after the birth of your first child?

If from the beginning I agree with others that he may be gay. Does he work in a profession where being a 'family man' or a 'man's man' is important to his reputation or advancement? Was he raised in a religious home where being gay is considered a sin or a moral failing? Could he possibly be using you as a 'beard'? It's not as common these days, but it still happens.

If from the birth of your child, possibly a 'madonna/whore' complex. I don't think it's common these days but it still occurs. More common with a strict religious upbringing.

Is it possible he has a porn or prostitute addiction or as others have said, gambling. Have you noticed money disappearing or that he has unexplained 'expenses' that seem odd or out of place.

But I guess more important than that, do you really want to take the time to figure it all out given that he's probably not going to change and/or he's broken your trust so badly that you'll never trust him again?

This

I have a neighbour whom I've know for a long time. I know people he's worked with and who know him and I know he's very much gay. Even before having kids he'd sleep in the living room (imho to avoid shagging the wife). His wife was sooo happy when she had sex she'd scream with joy to her little heart's content, so people know it wasn't often even then and she's lucky if it's once a year now.
He goes to the office even when he could work from home but he's usually home early and always has dinner at home so it's not like he disappears. I think it's easy to shag somebody other than your own partner, the same way so many wives only find out after it's been years. But this guy's wife was away for a while with the kids and he went out at midnight most nights then...
Being gay doesn't mean you can't control your "disappearing acts". It might explain the problems in the bedroom though. 20 years is a long time to suppress feelings.

My dad has always done this. I think it's probably linked to depression and poor coping strategies. Sometimes he just can't deal with things and disappears, it will often be after an argument. It's not always very frequent - I haven't seen him do it for about 3 year - but it would go in phases. It's usually a couple of hours but when I was a child, he once disappeared for a few days - this was in the pre-mobile phone era, so no way to contact him, we just had to wait for him to come home.
It was distressing as a child and it's no more fun as an adult. You always worry he's gone off to do something drastic. Now I see it as a form of coercive control over my mother. He's not always been the easiest man to live with, but their relationship is generally fine and my mother long ago decided what she was going to put up with.

You need to take control here. He wants a reaction, a fight. Ignore the issue, when he finally comes in don't mention it . But plan your escape with the DC because he is abusive and controlling.

This. My first thought when you mentioned ED since his 20s is that he is gay.

Sorry everyone. Yes he’s back. Didn’t say anything. I’m just trying to process it all. Thank you for your support.

Glad he's back but maybe he should seek help to sort out his ED. I can't imagine anyone would be happy if they can't perform at that level. The ED might be the reason for the bad MH. Years living with that burden is bound to take its toll on anyone no matter how sane.

I’d get a chain put on the door, or an indoor bolt, and tell him it’s going on next time he walks out so take some clothes.

Ask his GP for a referral to an urologist. Sometimes people spend years suffering in silence without the need for it.

what do you think he’s doing?

At this point I’d download one of those family tracking apps, or an air tag (not sure how that works) and see where he goes for hours since he refuses to tell you and throws a tantrum.

You deserve an answer, Op. My question is, how are you not CURIOUS?? I would personally treat this as a mystery to solve, out of sheer curiosity.

The truth is worth having, maybe it will help both of you somehow. Something strange is going on. You deserve to know, especially if it affects your health or well being.

🙌 100 percent!
Father did this, and i then went on to a long term relationship, where by the same thing happened amongst tons of other things. But it was horrible not knowing when he would be back. When they do it and you've then got kids, amongst other things he did, that then signals the end!

So did you have a disagreement before he went out for flour or did he just up and go and everything was fine between you?

I don’t understand why you don’t say anything, Op!!

Actually this is a valid point, maybe he feels worthless etc were the children bickering before he left? Could it be things get too much and he can't cope with being overwhelmed