How to approach a husband who disappears

[ann3111]

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

I’d lock my eyeballs onto his eyeballs and say where in the world have you been for 7 hours?? What the hey. Is it the British reserve that keeps you quiet? Maybe the American way of straightforward looking him in the eyeballs and saying ‘tell me right now where you’ve been, weirdo’ is called for 🧐

No, fuck him! OP has already said he kicks off and gets violent when challenged about this, why bother asking when you know it'll end up in extremely intimidating behaviour that upsets the children especially. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Sorry, I see in your op that your pleas have gone unanswered. This would drive me nuts. I’d have to know. I’d track him somehow. What if he’s doing something outlandish, op? You need to find out.

Yes, I see that now, looking over the op’s first post again. Personally I’d be so curious I’d have to know what the h he’s doing!!!

It doesn't matter what he's doing, and our own curiosity is unimportant.

I don’t understand incurious people. You’re not in the least curious? If your were his wife, you wouldn’t be in the least curious? Really? 👀

I would absolutely lose my shit. How can you not? Where has he been???

It does matter what he’s doing, @ThreeLittleDots. What a weirdo. Are you one of those who likes to cover up stuff bad people are doing and pretend nothing’s happening, and attack the ones looking for the truth? That’s disgusting in my book.

Agree

Don't be silly. It doesn't matter exactly what he's doing, because such behaviour in and of itself, as well as reacting like a twat when confronted, is well enough reason to show him the door, in my book.

ED in 20s? Disappearing and being secretive?
Coke!

Best friend is like this. I've constantly made allowances. I think I'm done. I really think I'm done.
With a husband and kids you should probably also be done. It's so bloody hard.

Please start planning to leave him. He sounds an absolute nightmare.

Well whatever it is I hope OP is okay because if this were my post, my head would be swirling right now

It doesn't matter why he goes awol or what the underlying cause is. It isn't normal and he doesn't need to do it. My ex used to do it, it's really destabilising and horrid and I'm so glad my now DH wouldn't do anything of the sort.

You can't say that for certain! He often disappears for hours at a time, and you've admitted that you've no idea what he is doing/ where he is/ who he's with.

Either way, I'd leave.

I was thinking if he has ED is it possible he is engaging prostitutes to see if it happens with them? Do you have internet access to all the money to be able to see if he is withdrawing any that would account for payment of services?

Is this only happening of an evening? Could he be a window peeker? Pretty extreme suggestion but we have one in our area, if he gets caught he pretends he is looking for his dog...

On the milder side, my DH will stop in to see a friend if his gates are open on the way home, but then he will tell me that is why he was so long and it doesn't cause a raging fit from him if I ask.

Good luck ann3111.

So sorry you’re dealing with this, Op. someone upthread suggested an airtag- be careful with those, they send alerts to your phone if there is one with you for a period of time (to prevent stalking.) he’ll know if you (for instance) put one in his coat.

(AirPods might work better)

(but I’m not recommending you track him!)

He probably just goes to the pub when he gets stressed like 99% of English men, if he has an eating disorder he may go and get some junk food?

Your poor children having to listen to this and witness hiss selfish behaviour.

Im not usually a LTB person but this behaviour is bizarre, abusive and it’s affecting your children, I’d be questioning staying with him for sure.

Put air tag in his car

I wonder how many people have ended up divorced after coming to Mumsnet for advice!?? Honestly, if you said my husband keeps leaving the loo seat up the response would be ‘divorce him NOW’!

I may have missed some detail but do you think your husband is depressed/ feeling overwhelmed? Perhaps he doesn’t intend to go off but once out needs headspace? And perhaps this is why he gets angry when challenged- men and feelings etc!

people are saying he must be gay or have some kinks but surely he would just make a proper excuse to go off and indulge this?

Either way you need to talk to him. Not after a disappearing act, but one evening pour a glass of wine and try and have a calm conversation. If you can’t to that write your feelings down, I know might be weird to write a letter to someone you share a bed with but sometimes you can articulate your feelings better and you can say what you want without interruption & he can digest on his own terms and ask for him to reply!

good luck x

unfortunately you can't force him to tell you Op. You either need to catch him in the act or make your decision based on what you already know

@ann3111 What precedes these episodes? Is it always an interaction between the two of you, such as asking him to go to the store for you or the two of you arguing? Or does he sometimes just leave without having interacted with you at all?

I have a few suspicions but we need some more context.

You deserve better than this. You kids deserve to grow up without this dysfunction. Make plans to LTB.