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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to approach a husband who disappears

176 replies

ann3111 · 23/07/2023 19:25

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
pastatriangles · 23/07/2023 20:52

Not to get ahead of ourselves but I would book an STI test for peace of mind and not have unprotected sex with him going forward

AmyandPhilipfan · 23/07/2023 20:57

The first time he did it I would say 'I've been worried where you've been. What happened? Please let me know next time if you're staying out longer than expected.'

The second time he did it I would say 'I can't live like this. I've asked you not to disappear for hours without letting me know where you are. If you do this again I don't think I can be with you anymore.'

The third time I'd say 'next time I'm leaving you.'

And if there was a fourth time that would be it for the relationship.

Mari9999 · 23/07/2023 20:59

@ann3111
Since you can't change his behavior and you apparently are willing to live with it, why get yourself in a tizzy about his comings and goings? Why do you continue to ask? He has made it abundantly clear that he has no desire to share that information. You are only frustrating yourself and annoying him by constantly asking. Does he ask you where are,you going or where have you been?

If you are willing to live with certain behaviors ( for whatever reason) then why kick off about those behaviors?

You know who and what he is, and yet you continue to expect something different. At this point the real question is why do you care where he is going? The more reasonable hope would be that he decides to stay wherever it is that he has gone.

You are precipitating the behavior that is upsetting the children by questioning him. I am certain that your children have no interest in where he is going nor do they likely care when or if he is going to return.

If you are going to continue living with this man accept him and his behavior, because your failure to do so is only creating anxiety for you and frustration for him and nothing is changing or improving.

.

Devonshiregal · 23/07/2023 20:59

Prostitutes OR gay hook ups OR he’s just trying to put you in your place and is literally just sitting in the car for hours watching Netflix to break your spirit.

the gay hook ups is probably preferable.

Laiste · 23/07/2023 21:00

How long has this been going on? 😳

I mean ... have you ever found out where he was at other times it's happened?

You must have an inkling of where he might be? Is he good at sitting doing nothing? (in car for eg.) Or is he a twitchy type who'll be gambling or something. Does he come back smelling of anything particular?

I can always smell where DH has been. Chip shop/work/friend's houses ect.

Doggymummar · 23/07/2023 21:00

Dump his sorry ass

Ritualofayurveda · 23/07/2023 21:05

Does he have underlying psychological issues that maybe need explored? Your mention of ED since 20s and general lack of sexuality is unusual, and in the case of someone very close to me is related to terrible trauma as a child, that went unremembered due to dissociation well into his 30s.

Frumpylumpyvixen · 23/07/2023 21:09

Very likely to be gambling

MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 21:10

What does he say when you ask him where he’s been for 3 hours or 10 hours?

Jenypenny · 23/07/2023 21:12

He's got an addiction OP.. It could be gambling, drugs or prostitutes or whatever else.

He's not gonna leave the house and switch his phone off just to sit in the car, or go for a walk or to show you what power he has ovef you.

My guess is he's got a secret life and it doesn't involve you. End of.

He will keep going 'AWOL' because he knows you don't like it, but you're still putting up with it because (things always go back to normal).

Oceanus · 23/07/2023 21:15

With a divorce (period)

dapsnotplimsolls · 23/07/2023 21:15

Ignore him when he comes back and start planning to end it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 23/07/2023 21:15

My ex would just go out ( one of the many many issues we had) like this
he let it slip once - he was in the pub complaining that I ‘was nagging him’ and ‘ he was ‘forced to spend time with the kids’ etc etc

were divorced now

RosieLeaLovesTea · 23/07/2023 21:18

I would by a tracker - something like an apple tag. Put it somewhere discreet such as lining of jacket then you can use an apple phone to track where he goes.

pecanpie101 · 23/07/2023 21:22

RosieLeaLovesTea · 23/07/2023 21:18

I would by a tracker - something like an apple tag. Put it somewhere discreet such as lining of jacket then you can use an apple phone to track where he goes.

I would do this.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your children. It's very odd behaviour and he clearly doesn't respect you. Are you able to leave? Please don't waste your life on this man.

I would t be surprised if he was going to a dominatrix. Do you share finances? Have you got any of your own savings so you can start divorce proceedings?

lightand · 23/07/2023 21:23

Next time he does it, I would pick up the kids and go out too. [dont tell him beforehand you are going to do that]
It wont necessarily solve the problem, but at least he would know what it feels like.

10HailMarys · 23/07/2023 21:24

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him.

My money’s on him either being gay or having an all-encompassing fetish.

Thisishard23 · 23/07/2023 21:24

I had an ex who used to do this. Leave the house without telling me often literally leaving me holding the baby. he would go to the local shops and come home 3 hours later. I got sick of the lack of respect. He assumed I was the default babysitter

Of course it's possible he's lost track of time or stopped off to see a friend. Only you will know how regular this is.

Hollyppp · 23/07/2023 21:26

My husband does this sometimes, he normally goes for a long relaxing curry or to the pub or to watch tv in the car. It’s to punish me after a row or get out of doing any childcare. Delightful man child that he is

Tannedandfake · 23/07/2023 21:27

ann3111 · 23/07/2023 19:25

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

5pm if in England, supermarkets will be closed. Where was he expecting to buy this flour?
Your ‘pleas’ for him to come home….

wingingit1987 · 23/07/2023 21:28

10HailMarys · 23/07/2023 21:24

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him.

My money’s on him either being gay or having an all-encompassing fetish.

That’s my thoughts exactly.

Backtoblack1 · 23/07/2023 21:31

I think the same, sorry x

CapEBarra · 23/07/2023 21:32

Sarvanga38 · 23/07/2023 20:16

I would also be assuming his ED only applies with women and he’s going for hook-ups.

Mine used to vanish for a few hours every so often, and he was indeed going for gay hook ups. He lives with his boyfriend now.

ThreeRingCircus · 23/07/2023 21:34

My friend had a husband with ED. Sounds very similar to your DH, they'd been together since they were 17 and it had always been an issue.

He was gay. She found out when she found Grindr on his phone.

Alarm bells were ringing when reading your post but whether he's gay, seeing prostitutes, gambling etc he's treating you with utter disdain..... he doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings.

When he comes home, ignore him. Grey rock. Be planning your divorce at the same time as ignoring this idiot.

SeatonCarew · 23/07/2023 21:38

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:44

It can mean that in other topics!

I guess the other explanation is he could have recently joining an extremist group and is secretly meeting them OR he is shopping in Aldi with those horrendous queues..

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Not at all funny. Have some respect.