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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to approach a husband who disappears

176 replies

ann3111 · 23/07/2023 19:25

Does this very often. My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids. He went at 5pm to get flour for a recipe I’m making for dinner. It’s 7:23 now still not returned. Won’t pick up my phone and won’t respond to my pleas to please tell me where he is or what time coming home as I need to make something else for dinner.

He has ED. Suffered since our 20’s so I don’t think it’s sexual. He’s not a very sexual person in what I know of him. I have no idea where he goes or what he does. I’m sick of his selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
Chchchanges23 · 23/07/2023 20:19

It’s so odd to have had ED since his 20s, I can’t get past that. I think you have your answer there - he’s having his sex life elsewhere. The disappearing and lack of giving a shit about how you feel about it makes me think he has a whole other life elsewhere. I’m so sorry! Just Chuck him out, don’t waste your time trying to find out details or evidence.

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 20:21

I have no idea what ED means so can only judge i his actions.

He's probably sitting in his car thinking he's got one up on you and you will be worried.

Aversion to sorting out problems is a poor trait and not a great role model for your children and just nasty to make his wife suffer as you do.

I would have to part ways with this juvenile man.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:22

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 20:21

I have no idea what ED means so can only judge i his actions.

He's probably sitting in his car thinking he's got one up on you and you will be worried.

Aversion to sorting out problems is a poor trait and not a great role model for your children and just nasty to make his wife suffer as you do.

I would have to part ways with this juvenile man.

Erectile dysfunction

Fretfulmum · 23/07/2023 20:23

Ignore him and carry on with yours and the DCs lives whilst you get together your finances and get yourself into a good position. Sort yourselves out and then serve him the divorce papers.
Men with ED still want sex. I’m sorry OP but if he’s not getting anything from you, he’s getting it elsewhere. The sheer arrogance of this man though- leaving during family time and refusing to say where he’s been. What an arse

Livelovebehappy · 23/07/2023 20:24

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated OP. You’ve allowed him to get away with this so many times, he just carries on doing it. You need to ask him outright where he goes on these trips, and if he is so disrespectful that he refuses to tell you, I really would consider leaving the marriage. You can’t continue to just let him treat you like this.

MillWood85 · 23/07/2023 20:25

He's doing it for reaction. So don't give him one. Don't ring him, just carry on as normal and completely ignore his return.

Once you take the attention away, he's got nothing on you. And seriously start making a get away plan. It's not normal behaviour.

Ladyj84 · 23/07/2023 20:26

And you think this is a normal marriage? How unfair on you and your kids. I thank my lucky stars my hubby neither disappears or gets angry. If he says he's going out for a certain amount of time I don't mind but in fairness he will always make sure I've had help with the kids bed or tea before he goes as well

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:27

Let us know if he does actually return home with the flour, and even better if there is a receipt to show what time it was bought

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 20:29

GoodChat · 23/07/2023 19:42

I would do this too.

Show quote history

Same here. Your umbrage is gratifying something in him.

Grey rock, get your ducks in a row and leave. You can't allow this toxic situation to continue, for your kids' sake.

Pallisers · 23/07/2023 20:31

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/07/2023 19:42

I wouldn't bother to give him any reaction. I would just completely ignore it and carry on as though he had only been gone 5 minutes, whilst quietly making plans to leave him.

This completely.

This relationship is not working, OP. The ED, the storming out, the upsetting the kids, the way he treats you. Stop caring what the f he does. Plan for the next better stage of your life.

MammaTo · 23/07/2023 20:32

I would probably say gambling addiction and is stopping in the bookies.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/07/2023 20:32

This seems like deliberately punishing you. Horrible behaviour OP, very strange and childish.

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:33

MammaTo · 23/07/2023 20:32

I would probably say gambling addiction and is stopping in the bookies.

I had a friend that would mysteriously disappear and this was exactly what he was doing
Did he take any money from you for the shopping?

Jongleterre · 23/07/2023 20:34

Thank you @TurnerP

Well if he can't get it up then he probably is just sitting in his car.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 23/07/2023 20:37

Gambling, I have two friends with similar stories, it was gambling then hiding for hours after the guilt of losing all that money.
Both ended in divorce.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 23/07/2023 20:39

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:22

Erectile dysfunction

Show quote history

Ah thanks: I thought it meant eating disorder.

He’s gay.

PlanningTowns · 23/07/2023 20:42

So he popped out for flour, max that would take half hour to an hour depending on your location. What on earth does he say when he comes back??? Does he bring the flour?? Does he realise or ask about the dinner???

i absolutely feel for you because I can’t wrap my head around this at all especially. He truly has no respect for you at all.
would someone really pop out for flour to have a 2/3 hour sex session? Makes no sense at all.

this would be a very hard red line for me… does he have find my iPhone or similar???

TurnerP · 23/07/2023 20:44

Thosepeskyseagulls · 23/07/2023 20:39

Ah thanks: I thought it meant eating disorder.

He’s gay.

Show quote history

It can mean that in other topics!

I guess the other explanation is he could have recently joining an extremist group and is secretly meeting them OR he is shopping in Aldi with those horrendous queues..

Promwasgreat · 23/07/2023 20:47

Sounds unusual behaviour. Hope you can get to the bottom of it.

DrySherry · 23/07/2023 20:48

Gay hook ups were my first thought too when erectile disfunction was mentioned, along with a lack of sexual interest in the op.

Mayhem3 · 23/07/2023 20:48

My questioning and understandable anger just leads to him slamming the doors, swearing and upsetting the kids.

This would make me end the relationship.

Its one thing to disappear but if you can’t even discuss it as adults without shouting and swearing then I’d be done.

Zoeywelly · 23/07/2023 20:48

my Ex used to do this often too, then the abuse started getting worse- calling me C and T and a sh!t mother- anything I do, I have my child in mind, it’s the way I’m built. Even taught crochet myself so I could make things for her. He started getting physical so now we fled and are in a refuge in hiding. Even though we are living this way for now it is still better than what I had to put up with. It always starts out with them testing how much you will put up with. I put up with a hella lot. Don’t take it and pretend it’s not happening because he is owning you and you are letting him get away with it. I hope you have family and/or friends to support you. I haven’t so that’s why I had no choice but to flee.

CaramelMac · 23/07/2023 20:50

I wouldn’t stand for him disappearing for 2.5 hours with no explanation, it shows a complete lack of respect for you. Next time he does it I’d be tempted to text him saying you’ve rung a locksmith and whether he can get back in will depend on who arrives first.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/07/2023 20:50

This is insanity. There’s not a single thing that’s reasonable about this behaviour. Not one.

“You know how you like to do those disappearing acts to scare me, upset me and put me in my place? Yeah? Well, I’d like you to do it now. Permanently, please. Right now.”

And kick him the fuck out.

Babyluigi · 23/07/2023 20:52

I'd change the locks and if he ever returned and queried it just say oh I assumed you'd moved out. He sounds like a massive tosser tbh and you'd be better if he does one permanently

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