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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants separate accomodation on holiday with my sisters family

157 replies

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 13:34

We’ve agreed to go on holiday with my sister, we’re just about to book the accommodation. We’ve chosen a big house for everyone to stay in. Now my husband says it’s too much to stay with them, too many kids. He wants us to get separate accommodation and just meet up with them whenever.

I understand his reasons, the kids are very wild when together and ours are calm when on their own. My sisters kids are very wild from first thing in the morning until they fall asleep (very late). Not sure how to bring this up to my sister. Husband says he won’t come if we’re staying with them.

AIBU to suggest to sister we get separate accommodations?

OP posts:
MzHz · 24/07/2023 07:35

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 23:09

She’s said she doesn’t want to go anymore, I feel a bit funny to now continue with plan to go there without them so we’re thinking of different destinations and making it about what my husband wants for his 40th and then booking this destination for the following winter- good thing is the prices are lower too that far ahead.

She wanted you there for childcare - her saying she doesn’t want to go now is absolute confirmation of this.

you’d be a total mug to share accommodation with them.

remember this.

rookiemere · 24/07/2023 07:42

If I thought I was sharing a villa with family on holiday and looking forward to it, I'd not especially want to go if the plans were changed to separate accommodation as it's obvious that the DH doesn't particularly like her or her family and most of the benefits of shared accommodation- children playing together, shared drinks and meals- would be lost.
I'd be a bit hurt about it and your DH should have said no to this in the planning stage as it's such a hard line for him.

towriteyoumustlive · 24/07/2023 08:21

I have the same when my parents invite me and my brother to stay at the same time.

Mine have sensible bedtimes and if they annoy me there will be consequences. My brother does very soft parenting. His kids have never learnt to self settle and are often still up at 11pm. Not only that but the 9 year old runs up and down the corridor and deliberately wake the others up with no consequences.

I'd decline sharing! Their kids sound a nightmare!

starrynight21 · 24/07/2023 08:25

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 14:14

I’ve said to my sister now, she’s said she’s going to have a think about weather she’ll go. Her heart is set on this villa, but I don’t think they want to spend the money on that villa on their own.

Leave it with her then. If she doesn't want to compromise, that's fine. Just keep everything cheerful and breezy, don't get into any negativity. And enjoy a holiday with your own peaceful family.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 24/07/2023 11:58

@Luna02 I went on a holiday last uear in a villa with my parents, and all my siblings and kids. There were nearly 20 of us and even though the villa was absolutely huge it was a nightmare. Everyone clashed. My brother was a clean freak and my other brother not. The holiday was fantastic but I'm totally woth your husband on this

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 24/07/2023 12:42

Well now we know why she wants to holiday with you! Free childcare!

It’s your husband’s birthday trip. He gets to choose and she has no right to sulk.

Id honestly never want to go away with them again. Sounds like hell.

WhatK8DidNext · 24/07/2023 13:54

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 24/07/2023 11:58

@Luna02 I went on a holiday last uear in a villa with my parents, and all my siblings and kids. There were nearly 20 of us and even though the villa was absolutely huge it was a nightmare. Everyone clashed. My brother was a clean freak and my other brother not. The holiday was fantastic but I'm totally woth your husband on this

This!

My parents did a “forced fun” family holiday with all of us. It was the straw that broke the camels back in my relationship with my brother and I’ve been no-contact with him since (with absolutely no desire to see him ever again).

It also changed my relationship with my parents and put my poor sister in the middle of things.

I knew going in that it would be awful
and I should have stood up for myself earlier and refused to go.

If your husband doesn’t want to do it, don’t make him.

JRM17 · 24/07/2023 13:56

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 13:34

We’ve agreed to go on holiday with my sister, we’re just about to book the accommodation. We’ve chosen a big house for everyone to stay in. Now my husband says it’s too much to stay with them, too many kids. He wants us to get separate accommodation and just meet up with them whenever.

I understand his reasons, the kids are very wild when together and ours are calm when on their own. My sisters kids are very wild from first thing in the morning until they fall asleep (very late). Not sure how to bring this up to my sister. Husband says he won’t come if we’re staying with them.

AIBU to suggest to sister we get separate accommodations?

Your husband is right, this would be my absolute hell. I have one very polite and well behaved DS (6) and other people's ferral children just seem to bounce on my last nerve, I can't even do day trips with some of my sons friends never mind a whole holiday with poorly behaved children.

countrygirl99 · 24/07/2023 14:04

rookiemere · 24/07/2023 07:42

If I thought I was sharing a villa with family on holiday and looking forward to it, I'd not especially want to go if the plans were changed to separate accommodation as it's obvious that the DH doesn't particularly like her or her family and most of the benefits of shared accommodation- children playing together, shared drinks and meals- would be lost.
I'd be a bit hurt about it and your DH should have said no to this in the planning stage as it's such a hard line for him.

They've only been talking about it for a week!

Branwells77 · 24/07/2023 15:34

I’m with your husband on this if I was to ever book a holiday with my sister
(will never happen the thought of it gives me a migraine)
accommodation would 100% have to be separate

SeulementUneFois · 24/07/2023 16:33

It's obvious she only wanted you there for childcare ...it's not like you even chat in the evenings.

She sounds selfish and manipulative.

jeaux90 · 24/07/2023 16:51

It's his birthday do something that works for your family this time.

Nononsensemumsy · 24/07/2023 19:23

Done this sort of thing once with friends shared villa, one with same friends in a hotel, separate rooms personal space met up with them all day at the pool, back to separate rooms to have a siesta and get ready for an evening out, it was much better having some space in between socialising. So I’m with your husband and it slightly sounds as though your sister is “using” you to afford the villa she has set her heart on, you will be spending just as much of your hard earned £££ as they will be, so in my mind it’s a joint decision as equals. Don’t be swayed.

MichelleScarn · 24/07/2023 19:44

So selfish sis is kicking off as your dh won't do what she wants and give her childcare on his 40th birthday?

Silvers11 · 24/07/2023 19:55

Sounds to me like she wanted someone to help share the costs of the Villa, maybe - but mostly she wants you to be there for free childcare? She and her OH get to sleep in in the morning while you get up to look after them. They get to relax in the evenings once their children have gone to sleep but you and your OH are too tired and head for bed, so you're not actually getting that much of a holiday are you?

Would be a nightmare for me to be honest, so I'm with your DH I'm afraid

FootieMama · 24/07/2023 19:58

Done both ways. Love you sisters but separate houses is the only way to go. You can truly relax without having to acomodate other family routine all they long. We usually go to a site with a few house and meet in the communal areas for barbecues, lunch and socialize in general. And the children get to visit each others houses.Lots of fun for them

NewUsernameYetAgain · 24/07/2023 20:11

SheerLucks · 23/07/2023 23:36

I don't get this at all.

The whole point of all holidaying in one house is that it's way cheaper. People do this all the time and the compromises are usually far outweighed by the lovely house and location.

It's going to cost you all so much more to stay in separate accommodation.

The peace of not having to be around ‘wild’ and noisy children all day is well worth the cost. People value different things.

Lollypop701 · 24/07/2023 20:44

So for dh birthday holiday he gets to look after 5 children all day, some of whom won’t listen to him, gets his own grumpy over excited kids to discipline and no downtime. His sil gets to lie in, have a glass of wine whilst cooking (prob with her dh ‘helping’ ) sits down with dh for a couple of chill hours after. Who’s birthday is this?

In separate houses you could chill in morning, meet up for lunch and some dinners and when yours get exhausted then go home put kids to bed and chill again.

I agree with others it’s very possible your sis wants a parent in situ and does this regularly so . She’s pulling the hurt card.

or she’s so used to carnage she doesn’t even see/hear it anymore… the fact she stays up late suggests it’s not this though.

you know your sister, so does your dh so you know the answer to this if you’re honest with yourself op

doorstopper123 · 24/07/2023 21:02

I understand his hesitation. For the same reasons, id always favour a hotel over
a villa. Separate bed and living space, no cooking, shopping or cleaning. And when it’s bed time, you disappear back to your own room

plus find somewhere with a kids club

pollymere · 24/07/2023 21:51

I went on holiday with my Dad's family and we had cottages next to each other which shared facilities so we could have peace indoors or a shared BBQ. It worked out really well.

Mumof3premies · 24/07/2023 22:03

I’m so with your husband mine would point blank refuse to go! It would be completely different in a hotel where you had your own space but no this would be a nightmare 😢

Londoner89 · 24/07/2023 22:20

the point of a holiday is to return home feeling relaxed, not with high blood pressure! Agree with your husband, YANBU.

stacyvaron · 25/07/2023 03:12

Just tell your sister you want to put your kids down early so you and hubs can have wild monkey sex every night on vacation and they'll cramp your style ;)

angela99999 · 25/07/2023 08:22

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 23:09

She’s said she doesn’t want to go anymore, I feel a bit funny to now continue with plan to go there without them so we’re thinking of different destinations and making it about what my husband wants for his 40th and then booking this destination for the following winter- good thing is the prices are lower too that far ahead.

This seem like a great solution. Sounds as though she'll probably miss you looking after the children, free childcare?
As you said, if she really liked the place she could go alone.

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/07/2023 10:33

really regret we can’t meet up more often as I love the kids being close. My husband just can’t stand the screaming and running around

I think it's absolutely understandable if your husband doesn't want to villa share with your sis and her family on this holiday. With regards to the above comment though, I do think it's a shame however if your kids miss out on spending time with their cousins on other possible occasions just because your husband always wants things to be calm and quiet. It's okay, good even, for kids to be rowdy at times!

It shouldn't always be all about what your husband wants.