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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants separate accomodation on holiday with my sisters family

157 replies

Luna02 · 23/07/2023 13:34

We’ve agreed to go on holiday with my sister, we’re just about to book the accommodation. We’ve chosen a big house for everyone to stay in. Now my husband says it’s too much to stay with them, too many kids. He wants us to get separate accommodation and just meet up with them whenever.

I understand his reasons, the kids are very wild when together and ours are calm when on their own. My sisters kids are very wild from first thing in the morning until they fall asleep (very late). Not sure how to bring this up to my sister. Husband says he won’t come if we’re staying with them.

AIBU to suggest to sister we get separate accommodations?

OP posts:
TheModHatter · 23/07/2023 18:41

Is your sister a single parent, or is her DH going too?

Pretty miserable for her if you have made this decision late in planning and she would be on her own in the evenings.

EffortlessDesmond · 23/07/2023 18:49

My husband's comfort and ability to relax is my main priority for holidays, frankly. He is still running his company, at nearly 68. Until the company is sold, he's the first person in the accountability chain, so I try to make sure that holidays are actually relaxing! But with decent comms in case it's necessary.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 20:42

Sister basically wanted you to subsidize the villa she had her sights on.

No thanks.

People with ill-behaved children need to accept the consequences of that, whether it be this situation or kids being excluded from weddings or no playdates. Stricter parenting exists for a reason.

Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 21:06

So we only started looking at going together a week ago, my sister has already looked at this place for over a year and we had been already thinking of going to the same region and were literally about to book flights when my sister asked if we wanted to go together.

The cousins absolutely love each other. We used to spend lots of time together when we both only had 1 now it’s a lot of children put together so it’s hard work. Whenever we go there or they come here, I think it’s great for the children but I do agree with my husband it’s more exhausting than working. I feel bad the younger ones are not building the same connection as they are not able to see each other as much.

my sister said this place is the only one she wants to go to, but she won’t take it just for them so they probably won’t go this time.

my sister is not poor, they do lots of expensive holidays so they probably could even afford this villa on their own if it’s what she really wanted to. It’s a shame she’s like this as it could have actually been a really good holiday with separate accommodations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 21:34

She isn’t a single mom and they are well off, I don’t actually understand why she’s saying they couldn’t take it on their own. They always fly business etc spend lots of money.

we had been planning this trip for my husband’s 40th birthday and he says it’s just causing him anxiety at night thinking about the screaming kids and not being able to get away from it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 21:37

My sister is clearly pissed off and I don’t know what to say to her so she would understand.

OP posts:
afrikat · 23/07/2023 21:49

literalviolence · 23/07/2023 18:00

I can see why your DH wants this but tbh if I was DSis I'd now not go. Not because of taking offence and not so much because of the cost of the holidays, just because it's actually a totally different holiday to a joint one. You'll need to be in your own villas (at least some adults) come kids bedtime so no sitting on the balcony having a late meal and a glass of wine/ chat/ card games together. I'd not want the worst of having to co-ordinate with others without the best (the evening time fun). Each to their own and it's clearly something which works for some people but I'd go off and do my own thing if I were her now. But as I said, if it's not an actually enjoyable holiday for your DH then there's no point in going on it.

This is how I would see it too. For me half the fun on a group holiday is the part of the evening where the kids are in bed and the grown ups can all sit around with a glass of wine / chat / play games. You can't do that with separate accommodation

MeridianB · 23/07/2023 21:51

Your husband is right, it sounds like really hard work, and your sister is oblivious to the issues, so you’ve done the right thing.

I would totally forget about solving her holiday dilemma and plan something nice for your family.

Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 22:08

Their kids go to sleep 2-3 hours later than ours, which causes our kids to be tired and grumpy and misbehaving the following day. My oldest really needs her sleep or she will be a nightmare to deal with. Usually on holidays like this the kids sleep together so it’s very difficult for us to put the kids to sleep at their usual time if their kids are still running wild. Usually by the time the time their kids are asleep we are completely exhausted and ready to sleep ourselves so there isn’t really kid free time for us. Quite often my sister and her husband stay up and it’s on us to watch their kids in the morning.

Usually my sister does most of the cooking and I look after and entertain the kids. It was a role I very much enjoyed when there were less kids but now there is 5 in total and It’s just too much for me, I still do it and really regret we can’t meet up more often as I love the kids being close. My husband just can’t stand the screaming and running around and it was supposed to be his birthday trip. Unfortunately the kids just get so excited when they meet, they are better behaved separately but when together they are so much hard work.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 23/07/2023 22:10

Your 4 posts on this page (P5) have completely confirmed all the reasons why you shouldn't go, I should think, for anyone who previously doubted, or was trying to blame your dh.

I can't see why you could ever think this would work as a relaxing holiday for you, your dh, and your family.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/07/2023 22:15

You can still do this sort of holiday later when they are older and more regulated. (I'm assuming all are very young). Missing one year, or a few years, isn't the end of the world.

Codlingmoths · 23/07/2023 22:33

So her kids are too crazy in the evening for you to actually get evenings chatting, you are the one who has to get up with kids in the morning, plus play with them all since your sister decides she takes herself off to the kitchen, and your husband hates it and it’s his birthday trip? Could you please stop defending your selfish sister- she’s offended because you’ve spoilt her idea of a peaceful holiday where she doesn’t parent and gets sleep ins because muggins sister is along to do all that. Thank goodness you said no as if I were to it Dh I’d never forgive you for booking that for MY big birthday. I’d probably book myself 2 weeks solo for my real birthday to recover from having your sisters family inflicted on me so I’m exhausted.

Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 22:44

Thank you, this is a good idea. And husband has said he would be up for this.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 23/07/2023 22:48

Your sister comes across as an awful person who just wants you to pay for her villa. Stand up to her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 22:50

It will be harder for you to socialize with sister and BIL in eve when kids are in bed (Maddy McCann) if you're not all in one place- do you mind that though?
Perhaps an all inclusive is a way forward

Mother87 · 23/07/2023 22:56

Totally agree with your husband - absolutely no peace or privacy with the first plan..

PureLife89 · 23/07/2023 23:03

The kids may well play great together when they see each other but going away together is totally different

You're talking a few hours Vs a full week

You know yourself what your sister's kids are like. Can't help but feel you've been invited to help shoulder the costs for her holiday

Original poster
Luna02 · 23/07/2023 23:09

She’s said she doesn’t want to go anymore, I feel a bit funny to now continue with plan to go there without them so we’re thinking of different destinations and making it about what my husband wants for his 40th and then booking this destination for the following winter- good thing is the prices are lower too that far ahead.

OP posts:
MaybeOneAndDone · 23/07/2023 23:17

Apologies, OP, it's only right at the bottom that you have the aibu as agreeing with your husband's view, so I accidentally clicked aibu, when I actually think you should get separate accommodation.

My DH's family live a long way away, so I have had to share accommodation when visiting for far longer than I can cope with in the past. You need to remember that staying with your extended family is always going to be less comfortable and more of an imposition for your DH than it is for you.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 23:28

I don’t actually understand why she’s saying they couldn’t take it on their own

Because she doesn't want to. The same reason you and you're DH don't want to share. She is perfectly entitled not to want to just like you are!

SheerLucks · 23/07/2023 23:36

I don't get this at all.

The whole point of all holidaying in one house is that it's way cheaper. People do this all the time and the compromises are usually far outweighed by the lovely house and location.

It's going to cost you all so much more to stay in separate accommodation.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/07/2023 00:04

SheerLucks · 23/07/2023 23:36

I don't get this at all.

The whole point of all holidaying in one house is that it's way cheaper. People do this all the time and the compromises are usually far outweighed by the lovely house and location.

It's going to cost you all so much more to stay in separate accommodation.

Sometimes cost isn’t the biggest factor. If you know walking into a situation it’s going to be bad then why spend that money in the first place?

Avatartar · 24/07/2023 00:28

We all work hard, holidays should be a treat not a nightmare waiting to happen. Just tell DSis it’s DH’s 40th and lots of kids is not his idea of a treat

Codlingmoths · 24/07/2023 00:39

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 22:50

It will be harder for you to socialize with sister and BIL in eve when kids are in bed (Maddy McCann) if you're not all in one place- do you mind that though?
Perhaps an all inclusive is a way forward

The op says that by the time they get kids to bed with the sils children running wild it’s late and there is no time to socialise anyway - they are tired and go to bed, sil and her Dh stay up and relax, and the op gets up in the morning with all the dc while sil and Dh sleep in. No wonder her dsis wants to book joint accom, it just won’t be a proper holiday without her sleep-ins while op looks after her dc…

Stillcantbebothered · 24/07/2023 01:00

SheerLucks · 23/07/2023 23:36

I don't get this at all.

The whole point of all holidaying in one house is that it's way cheaper. People do this all the time and the compromises are usually far outweighed by the lovely house and location.

It's going to cost you all so much more to stay in separate accommodation.

Yes, and they are willing to pay extra to have an enjoyable and peaceful vacation especially if it’s to celebrate date her husbands 40th birthday.

It is perfectly fine for him to not want to spend his 40th birthday vacation with screaming unruly kids even if means paying more.