Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

It matters because humans are social animals, and designed to be so for our own survival. It is not weak or foolish to react socially in whatever way benefits us and our offspring.

I don't think you 'become' someone like this. Surely the best thing is to embrace being who you are. Sometimes that will make you a person who is appealing to other people. Sometimes not so much. But everyone's on their own path and it definitely doesn't help to be wishing you were like someone else or being sneery about other people being different to how you are.

The people I know who are like this radiate fun and happiness- it to say they are never sad, of course, but they approach things in a happy and positive way and look for the good in things rather than the bad. They take things lightly, don’t take offence, are happy in themselves.

Viv Groskop’s new book, Happy High Status, is good on this stuff. It’s mainly about being like this in a work context but would work socially as well.

I’ve been told in the past i’m a bit like this, but I do try to have time for people, talk to them, smile etc. I’m a boss at working a room in a party and people have told me I’m approachable. It can take an effort though.

Some people can be characterised as Labrador Retrievers where everything is interesting and great and everyone is a friend.

Some are more like Dobermanns. Everything needs to be watched and treated with silent suspicion until it's time to let rip.

Some are like GSDs. Happy, confident but is watching you and knows exactly what you're going to do next - if it potentially negatively affects them/their people, you'd better be wearing full protective gear.

Some are like Chihuahuas. Either terrified of everything being big and dangerous or angry at the entire world for being bigger and prepared to take every last one of them on.

Some are like Collies. Supersmart, observant, incredibly enthusiastic about exciting things, but God help you if they get bored.

Then some are like cats. Too old for all this shit and what's in it for me, anyway?

You've met a human Labrador.

That's so lovely 🥰

The ones locally are all just a group of school friends who grew up together and blow smoke up each others bums. Then they put the gushing stuff on Facebook and the new friends just join in so they 'fit in'. I've came to realise the people who have others drawn to them is usually because they don't want to be seen to be 'against' them. I thought the local 'soccer moms' were lovely and friendly... Until one of them took a disliking to me for choosing to stand with my partner instead of them, they've subtly been vindictive towards me and my DD since then. That was 5 years ago! But no one would believe it, because they're all so lovely 💖

Nothing is as it appears, especially when it comes to the popular people. The popular kids at school were usually the bullies or pulling the strings of others. That's my experience anyway. I know only a couple of genuinely nice people, everyone else seems to be scared to rock the boat by being genuine in a fake society!

I think some people are just likeable no matter what and others just disliked even if they try really hard

The trying hard is often the problem. Being overly nice and thoughtful and giving to own detriment (which others can see) JUST to make sure everyone likes them comes across as insincere and annoying. I had friend who used to do that. She would ALWAYS bring you little pressie like chocolate, nicknack etc. Always, no matter how many times you said not to. She would "help" aka be a skivvy for some and then laugh that she knows but can't help it "hihihi". She would NEVER take no as answer if she thought she shpuld help. Putting dishes in dishwasher?
"oh let me help!"
"no it's ok, I have system"
"nonono i must help!"
And thus the didhwasher had to run twice because her helping was not actually helping but pushing me to the side and loading it REALLY quickly and weirdly so I wouldn't do it and she could help...

She was a good, intelligent person, sadly with low selfesteem, but often unbearable until I finally broke through to her and told her either she tonea it down with me, I like her so stop it, or we will just stop meeting up. She toned it down with me. It's also sad and infuriating to watch person you like to be a skivvy.

So trying hard can really be doing the opposite

I have worked in roles where you need a strong team and plenty of volunteers. I am extrovert and good at remembering details about people. I am not overly invested so don’t need to meet my needs which allows others to put theirs first. I am open about my bad habits, quite funny and always arranging stuff. I probably look a bit like this woman but little of that is real and I actually collect real friends at a slow rate. I probably have 10 proper friends and keep a strong line between them and my social circle but I can go almost anywhere and bump into people I am happy to see. I inherited it from my Nan and dad who are even worse. Dad comes home after a walk having found the life story of a deliveroo driver, having met a crufts winner and an Estonian heavy metal fan following some niche band. Most of his best friends are dead now but he is never short of walkers, drinkers or people to holiday with. People always tell my mum how ace he is which she doesn’t love so much as he never makes his bed and is a messy bugger. The other thing we share is that we don’t like seeing people left out and involving people who are shy or awkward or have little English or are too young or old or posh or tattooed - whatever really brings groups together and it’s like everyone appreciates it even if they don’t initiate it.

What do his mh issues have to do with her popularity

My sister is someone everyone loves. I could never work out what it was about her that was so attractive to everyone and I struggled growing up in her shadow. My best friend at school would come to our house and follow her around.

I think my friends might describe me like this. They do actually in my birthday cards, speeches etc.

Being kind and inclusive to everyone. Being a good listener. Being positive but not toxic. Not engaging with bitchiness or gossip. Being thoughtful. Smiling. Remembering what people have told you and asking about it. Remembering birthdays. Assuming and seeing the best in everyone. Going to peoples events even if you feel like a sofa day. Being humble. Helping and offering advice when you can.

It's actually tiring hard work being a people pleaser and I can struggle with boundaries so being 'popular' doesn't always equate to happiness btw

I know most people will scoff at this but to me it’s karma. She’s loved and treated people well in this life and previous ones, and now reaps what she sows. This explains why another person could behave just as she does and not get the same result - different mix of previous actions leading to different results.

Yes I do, both women and men.

They were not rich or extra lucky, they had all come from a challenging start in life and faced other serious problems throughout it.

What they all have in common is care and kindness, and generosity of spirit.. They look for the good in others and find it. They are all great home-makers
and their partners and children have that quiet glow of being utterly cherished.

She’s loved and treated people well in this life and previous ones, and now reaps what she sows.

This theory is a bit harsh on people who were crap in a previous life that they now have no recollection of.

Elphame could you report your own post? On reflection I am sure you did not want to suggest to the many partners of suicidal people and those bereaved through suicide that it is them who caused their partners unhappiness. It’s a gross misinterpretation of the causes of suicide.

Do you let people know about your autism? I think if it almost like a culture difference - once it's explained and understood people want to help more and they don't get offended so much or think you're trying to be rude or offend them (I'm NT but wrk with some Asd people)

Ok but what does that have to do with the OP?

I know someone like this, I work with her. She is genuinely so so kind and empathetic. She knows everyone in the hospital (she is a nurse) and has multiple groups of friends. She is forever organising flowers for people (big birthdays/off sick/engagement etc) and is always on nights out and weekends away.

The@ patients ADORE her, she is warm and loving and remembers all the little details. If I’m having a bad day, she says all the right things. People are drawn to her. She is beautiful inside and out. Like your friend she is quite loud but not in an obnoxious way. I love her and yes, I too would love a bit of her magic!

I thought I knew someone like this. 14 years later discovered she’s actually a master manipulator and social climber - tells people what they want to hear. Is the centre of everything and is privy to lots of ‘friends’ personal information/experiences.

Slowly people are realising that the vail has dropped however people still stay close such is her ability to ostracise others from social groups.

I get you, but we’ve all been crap in previous lives in one way or another, and we’re all on a path. Any unpleasant experience relates to previous negative actions, so that’s everyone, there’s no judgement being handed down. Everyone wants to improve themselves in some way and tries in their own way.

Spot on. Generosity of spirit absolutely sums it up perfectly.

My closest friend is like a people magnet. People love her and are drawn to her. She's funny, confident, and kind. She loves people and making new friends.

I don't think it's those traits alone, though. I am outgoing, make people laugh, am kind and interested in others etc, but people are not drawn to me in the same way. She just has some quality you can't put your finger on. Like some kind of chemistry.

That's never going to be, but that's ok.

One person sprang to mind for me immediately reading your post.
The lady I know is also super down to earth, game for a laugh, has a lovely family, is very attractive and excels in her (very caring) career.
I’d fine it impossible to find something to slag her off about. Annoyingly she is just utterly lovely and adored by pretty much everybody (and I’m convinced she knows everyone within a 3 county radius).