Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

The biggest problem with these people is that everyone wants a piece of them!

I know a few. Generally they are upbeat, outgoing, don't moan or give their life story, they ask more about the other person and remember what they are told and dont gossip.

Nothing is too much trouble (not they that they need to be asked, they always offer) and they also offer their help in a way that makes it seem like you are doing them a favour by letting them help rather than the polite dance of offering and refusing.

They dont put other people down and they talk to anyone they meet.

I work with someone like this. I think it’s all about communication style.

She’s amazing. She’s not all sweetness and light and I’ve seen her deliver pretty bad news to people (in a work capacity around projects/budgets/performance) and they seem to be grateful that she’s even giving them the attention.

She’s utterly fabulous. I spend time with her outside of work and she’s the exact same- very upfront with no game-playing, tries to understand what drives people, makes situations fair where she can, gives praise readily.

She’s just a marvelous communicator and can get people on side very easily.

She’s also great at showing up- friend has a surprise birthday party? She’s there. Tragic family loss? She’s at the funeral with a card. Feeling a bit glum and down? She’s at your door dropping wine.

She just seems to have an innate interest in people.

I’m actually jealous- would love to be more like that.

Some people are charming but likelihood is that this woman is what I call “Popular by Rumour”

This most often happens to people who are either naturally charismatic OR have something that stands out about them like red hair, a quirky fashion sense, for example.These things mean some less confident people are drawn to them

THEN because they are enthralled (wish they could be like them) they start making comments “ooh she’s so lovely” or “ohhh isn’t she gorgeous” whenever this particular person comes up in conversation.

There into the person and they spread their adoration - like a rumour.

it’s word of mouth marketing.

Many people won’t even feel like she’s that nice. Or will think she’s perfectly nice but wont understand all the hype.

another type of person who often receives unearned adoration is the “well put together” type. It throws other women off guard and makes them feel insecure. So if the well put together woman is nice (even if they’re deathly dull) they look at her like a little bit with a crush on a princess

Of course no one’s perfect but that’s probably why so many people love this woman because she’s not fake about it.

Not being perfect is not an excuse to be bitchy or fake which a lot of people are.

I am not perfect but I’m also well liked because I’m a nice person who isn’t jealous and I don’t go around bitching about people behind their backs.

It’s very obvious to see that some MNers are bitchy and therefore think this woman is fake because she’s not, which is why she is more liked than they are.

My best and oldest friend is just like this. She is a genuine person and it is not an act. An example of her kindness is that when we were teenagers and I was new to the area, she knocked on our door to introduce herself. She has a variety of friends and I would say is the glue that holds all these friendships together. Despite having had some real hardships in her life, she always thinks of others,

But the OP never claimed this woman was ‘perfect’, she just said she appeared genuinely nice and was extremely popular — that’s an entirely different thing, and perfectly credible.

In life, you are either watching from the stands or playing on the field.

And this thread shows where most of you are.

It is interesting to analyse but don’t let it get in your head too much. Focus on yourself. You attract your thoughts so if you are thinking the worst in people or expecting there to be something bad, you’ll attract people on similar wave lengths.

Ok so I feel like I’m like this, kind of. I have loads of friends.. people say nice things about me and write them in my birthday cards. NOT because I’m attractive or clever ( neither haha) but because I love people. I’m genuinely excited and interested in people and due to quite a traumatic childhood, I try really hard to make people feel welcome and included.
Dint get me wrong, I’m sure I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but in general I get on with most people well.
I honestly think it’s being happy yourself and as the saying goes, your vibe attracts your tribe

I think there's different sort of people who appear like this.

1. The person who is genuinely loved by everyone (except the jealous crowd). They're interested in people, always ready to help without expecting return, don't gossip... and would be very surprised to find people think that about them. My best friend at school was like this. She would always remember to ask on Monday morning how A's aunt was who was visiting, did b get the homework they were stressing about done (and would try and help if they hadn't) and if c had enjoyed their new job etc. She's now a youth worker which she will be absolutely brilliant. She actually lacked confidence in a lot of ways. Her dm was similar.
2. The person who is loud and demands to be the centre of attention and thinks they are like the person above, but the relationships are superficial because people want to be with them because they perceive they're popular but don't actually like them. They're quite loud about ask "me any time you want help and I will be there", and will be equally loud about being terribly sorry because they've a bone in their leg so can't actually do it this time... I remember someone I know quite well telling me that they had to send 200 Christmas letters (many local) because every one of the recipients would be devastated not to hear from them-and then asking me if I minded traveling 70 miles to babysit for an evening because no one round them would baby sit for them. 🙄
3. The bully who everyone kowtows to because they're afraid of repercussions if they can't.

Now it sounds like your friend is a 1. A lot of people here seem to want her to be a 3, but I think in the adult world, 3 is pretty rare, because people just detach from them rather than flocking round them. You probably get them in some (larger) workspaces, and they can make life pretty unpleasant for people who have to be near them, but the majority of people will just keep their distance.
I suspect a lot of people seen like that are a mixture between 1 and 2.

She’s the local drug dealer.

I suggest referring to other women as 'bitchy', and with a propensity to engage in 'bitching' behaviour, says a lot more about the person using that terminology than it does about anyone else.

It's not a word you'll see me using about other women. Ever.

Some of us just have it and some of us just don't, lol ;-)

My sister is one! Genuinely lovely, generous funny, has been successful at every job interview she has ever done (including one where she was mixed up with another candidates name and wasn't supposed to be there). Its a bit of a family joke. I know her enough to know the behind the scenes stuff, she has some childhood trauma and crushing self-esteem issues and projects this massive personality partially as a coping mechanism. Doesnt make her any less magnetic but I can see past as an adult now.

It's not about being perfect.

My friend is not perfect and would never claim to be. She has flaws like everyone else, but people are still drawn to her like a magnet. She is genuine and doesn't pretend to be anything that she isn't.

That's part of her charm if anything. Her friendships are genuine and she is surrounded by people who love her for who she is. Lucky her!

If it's any consolation this could be me. I adore people and will go out of my way to help people. Very sensitive. Loud. Fun. But can be too straight to the point. I know my faults though. Haven't always been this good. I can be a right twat if someone annoys me or especially hurts others. She won't be as perfect as you think. She'll have her shit as do we all.

You're probably a fab person and tbh it's sometimes draining being over caring. Just can't change. DH laughs at me sometimes as I do help whether they want me to or not at times 🙈 I annoy myself 😅

That's it. People can smell a faker.

My mum makes me realise that not everyone who's a great listener and will do always stuff for people is a terrific person. She has lots of people she knows, but doesn't seem to keep close friends. She doesn't have a normal functioning relationship with anyone in her immediate family. She thinks she does, but she doesn't. Her eagerness to do stuff for people comes from a need to be needed and useful. She loves to think people are saying "of she's so good". It comes from a deep and corrosive lack of self esteem. Her sister, and my sister and I know what she's actually like, and how this lack of self esteem can affect literally everything negatively.

I know someone like this. We worked together for a good few years. She is just a nice friendly person, always positive and up for a bit of fun. Not necessarily the organiser though, but everyone liked her and you couldn't think of anything bad to say about her. I still bump into her from time to time as she lives near me, and she'll always stop and chat for a while, seeming genuinely interested in what's happening in my life.

She's very close with her family - she and DH and kids are always going on holiday with her parents and sister (I see this on FB). I always feel she was a truly well loved child who had great, happy and positive parents. Though maybe just a genetic disposition to happiness. Sounds sickly but she actually isn't.

My Mum is 93 years old, has vascular dementia and has settled very well in a lovely care home. The managers and staff love her, she remembers their names and asks them how they are. She used to run coffee groups for lonely people and during the pandemic would phone round to chat. Everyone loves her as she is warm, funny and kind. She used to be very confident but now has anxiety and is fearful; after losing my Dad age 91 her world collapsed, but she is now settled and the interest, sense of fun and warmth has returned.....of course she's not the same. My Mum is still one of those people ❤️

Sometimes this sort of thing happens when you stop being a 'people pleaser'. This is not to make light of how incredibly hard a habit that is to break.

People just seem to sense it. When you can say a firm 'no' and mean it, it's strange how they seem to respect you more rather than less.

We see it with the MiL/DiL threads so often when there's consternation in that relationship. The harder one party tries to make the other like them, the more they'll dislike them for their efforts.

Often when they round on them, and tell them in no uncertain terms what they are and are not willing to accept, the relationship has improved.

Perhaps the answer is that very often people will take you at your own estimation.

I’m suspicious of charisma and charm as they can indicate a sociopath
I know a guy who is genuinely so nice but not lame and he is just really reasonable and kind.
Charismatic people make others feel good so we tend to assign God status to them. The woman described does sound genuine but IME some of these types are flaky or insincere

Whatever word you favour, doesn't take away the fact some people are bitchy 🤷‍♂️

i had this convo about one of my friends with the mutual group.. only our 'loved by everyone' person isn't loud, she's quiet/unimposing.

However, she will help anyone who asks, she's always the first to put herself out if someone is stuck/in need, even if its something simple like lending a couple of quid, or something big like doing school run for a pregnant friend who was struggling for 3 months, even if her own kids were sick. She's on hand with advice on a myriad of subjects, and if she doesn't know the answer will point you somewhere who does.. take the time to literally sit and google resources with you.

She's kind, friendly, gentle, she listens. She's a Mental Health First aider and never breaks a confidence. She's herself, doesn't apologise for it, and honestly she knows when you're upset or down and will reach out with the simplest of gestures.. a squeeze of the hand, pat on the back, and she will hug anyone who needs it, and when she does there is such genuine care, and warmth there, its like she could heal you if she held you long enough.

She also takes no crap, and will defend people if they need it, she'll be the one who speaks up if she sees an injustice, be your advocate if you need one.. don't get me wrong, she isn't a push over, she lets you know when she thinks you're wrong/overstepped or being an idiot, and she does have a sharp side to her tongue if you treat her like crap, and she WILL stop helping if you start taking the piss out of her good nature, but you know, she doesn't ask or expect anything in return other than a thank you. She doesn't fall out with people.. she was like.. i don't want anything to do with them, but i don't wish them harm. They can get on with their life and i wish them well, i just don't want them eating at my table any more, and i think thats a good attitude to have!

I did ask her once how she can be so 'nice' all the time, and she just smiled and told me she's spent her life being bullied and abused, and taken advantage of, she knows how it feels to be lost and alone, and broken with no-one to help, and she wouldn't wish that on her worst enemy, and kindness is free.

She sounds a bit of a pain in the neck. I prefer folk with faults. They are more interesting.