Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

One of the charismatic people I know is like this. They have oodles of friends everywhere because everyone likes them - and so they almost have to "rotate" their friendships in terms of who they spend time with, so that everyone gets a turn! It means that when they are around, it's great, but when they are off with others it's like they disappear. Time has shown it's nothing personal, they are just spending necessary time with other fans and the turn will come round again. They do spread themselves thinly by necessity though and this does make them a bit of a fair-weather friend rather than a deep and meaningful type, but because they are so charismatic and nice to be around, all is forgiven!

I know someone JUST like this. Massive group of hangers' on desperate to be with her but no real 'inner circle' of deep and meaningful friendships. Shines light on people then leaves them in darkness. We call her the friend groomer.

I honestly believe alot of work goes on behind the scenes that is probably very exhausting for people like this. Lots of special gifts and cards and favours and doing lots of things that you don't realise are being done. There is probably an element of insecurity that feeds all the extra effort put in by this person. Just being nice and friendly isn't enough for the adulation you describe. Also, being in the right social strata helps - if she has things or a lifestyle others envy. It's still like school being an adult in some situations.

Just be genuine,don't bitch and gossip as much as possible about people and really truly listen to what others say without talking about yourself. If you do those things that will help with building on relationships you have.

Oh I know someone just like that. She is extremely engaging. I introduced a new friend of mine to her and I could tell the new friend felt exactly as you described.
Thing is, I’m a bit older and cynical. This person is great in many ways but she’s quite flaky. I take her for what she is and don’t expect more.
I can be engaging and chatty but I get overwhelmed too easily and it would tire me out

Yes I can relate to the posts above. I'm my friends case, although wildly popular, she doesn't do really deep, close friendships, not because she can't as there'd be plenty of takers, but she chooses not to. She's not a closed book and is fairly open to a certain extent about her life, but doesn't go into great detail about her feelings and very much controls how much she tells you. I've also found her actions never quite match up to get words - so on one hand she'll be a good listener and say all the right things but when it comes to actually doing something to help, she flakes. Or when you require her to have your back, she'll sit on the fence so As not to threaten her own elevated social position. As I've got older and more jaded, I've come to see her as a little manipulative in her approach - she genuinely makes you feel like you're the best thing since sliced bread and she has that magnetic pull that lures newcomers in easily, but when she's got what she wants from you at any given time (advice/fun/practical help etc) she'll move seamlessly to the next person who can provide the next thing she requires. She keeps the plates spinning, so you're not dumped as such, but put in the back burner until the next time. She's a very confusing character, but contrary to my musings, she is great to know - but unfortunately, it's only in a superficial level.

I’d say you have described a lot of the ones I know down to a tee!

Yes they seem to have the charm and the charisma and people genuinely want to be a part of their life but they tend to operate at surface level - as I have said earlier, doing good for the community, school, events, helping people etc and just always seem to be there where ever you go and generally attracting large groups of people. They are always talking to someone! They are always the ones contributing the most in group discussions while everyone just sits quiet and listens to them.
I have been a victim of a few of these types where they will seem all lovely and full of smiles, really friendly and helpful and chatty but the next day seem to either just say a quick “hello” or just blank me altogether! It’s as if they ‘collect’ people and then rotate how they interact with them on a daily/ weekly basis depending on whose ‘turn’ it is. They always seem to posting on social media of themselves on a night out with a difficult group of friends every weekend.
I’m sure they are genuinely lovely people and mean well, but tend to only be friends on a surface level, yet at the same time be sympathetic and always have the right words to say to people and help them if needed.

*different group of friends not difficult lol

I'm the sort of person who will go to an event knowing no one and will walk out with about 10 new friends. I love people and I'm fascinated by everyone for some reason. My husband is an 'I don't like people' type and he thinks I'm too nice sometimes, like I go out of my way to help people who wouldn't do the same for me.

I actually forced myself to become this sort of person as I was a painfully shy child and I hated being like that.

In my experience, people like this have an innate ability to keep the conversation entirely focused on others, making them feel special and showing they care.

They’re thoughtful, positive and amazing hosts - but with a bit of a naughty/fun side to them. Also calm and kind with kids.

I’d be careful of thinking they’re too “perfect” though. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors or what they might be going through.

I know a lady like this 😄 she’s probably the nicest person on earth, not a bad word to say about anyone, it’s like she’s allergic to being horrible or bitchy. I can’t imagine a single person not liking her when they’ve met her. They do exist 😄

I also work with someone who people think is one of the nicest people ever, but she’s actually unpleasant, whinges and is so bitchy and two faced. It’s so frustrating when people think the sun shines out her arse…

I was/ am this person. I get hundreds of birthday messages on Facebook. My name is well known in my town and everyone knows and loves me. When I go into the local pub, I get swamped with hugs and a shout goes out that I’m there. People turn to me when they are in need, and I help. I get involved in the local community and no one ever asks in vain.

But … it’s a show
I’m the loneliest person in the world. I cry myself to sleep at night. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Because a mask is the easiest thing in the world to wear.

I know someone like this. Once you really get to know her, you realise that she is especially interested in those people who can be of use to her.

I’m thinking of the person I know who is like this.

She is genuinely just lovely.

I would say she is very warm, and genuinely interested in other people. There isn’t any ulterior motive when interacting with people, no underlying resentment or calculation or judgement. She is just interested in people, interested in talking to them, learning new things.

She is kind and generous and is happy to help others without thinking of repayment.

Despite this, she isn’t a pushover. She has opinions, and will voice them, and would stand up to people, but can debate things in a respectful and friendly way.

She is enthusiastic and positive. She focuses on the good things and has a lot of hobbies. Definitely not the type to make cryptic Facebook posts or anything self-indulgent or self-serving. She looks outwards, not inwards.

I wish I was more like her.

Are you friends with this person? I would say take it as a compliment to you that someone so lovely as you put it sees wonderful things in you that they want to be friends with you.
sounds like they have a lot of empathy and see kindness in others.

@BillyNotQuiteNoMates I’m sorry to hear this, and quite surprised (as I’m sure would be all the people who flock to you in the pub etc). Can you elaborate? Why are you so lonely that you cry yourself to sleep? Is it that you yearn a partner, or because no one actually knows you, or is something else going on? 💐

Don't moan and slag people off
Include all and make everyone feel special

You basically just need to run yourself ragged doing loads stuff for people, be there for them when they need and buy them presents

It’s worrying that this sort of nonsense is being trotted out repeatedly on the thread. As is clear from Mn alone, people-pleasing is a short cut to being lonely, resentful and invisible, and has absolutely nothing to do with popularity.

Though it’s interesting how many posters are absolutely determined that this woman can’t be genuinely nice, charismatic and popular, and that she’s either a craven people-pleaser, frantically tracing services for liking, or a secret bitch.

I felt that

@BillyNotQuiteNoMates I felt the same when I read your post ❤️

Dont get me wrong. There are also positives to bring outgoing and friendly…at work I’ve benefitted massively. I’m well thought of. People think of me when choosing people to head up projects that involve engaging stakeholders. I’m also often paired with ‘difficult’ colleagues and enjoy the challenge. It’s rare I don’t end up making a good friend or at least an ally in them. It feels good to be liked. In my relationships outside of work I have lots of fantastic and kind friends who I know will rally round when the chips are down for me. It’s massively impacted on my self worth and my marriage though as me and DP are probably at the bottom of the priority list when choosing where to focus my energy. I just don’t know who I am unless it relates to other people’s opinion of me. Ooooh it’s been cathartic to write all this down!

My mum was like this. A bright light went out when she passed.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you know what would make you feel less lonely?

Love people, be interested in them, smile, help, be outgoing, make jokes, laugh,
To be fair it's quite tiring

So, what is stopping you from being able to ask for whatever it is you need from all the huge numbers of people you know, and who are pleased to see you, and that would stop you crying yourself to sleep @BillyNotQuiteNoMates ?

You’re starting off way ahead of all the other friendless people who post on here, who no one remembers from week to week at hobby groups, who are ignored on the school run, and who would never in a hundred years have the confidence to go to their local pub.

They’re usually societies idea of perfect - conventionally beautiful, right build/height/size, fashionable, financially stable, right work/life balance (as in present enough at school playground but still a “working mum”). And then of course they are blessed with charisma, confidence and charm. The perfect mothering storm that no one can replicate!