Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

I think a lot of it is about genuinely liking people and being interested in them and pleased to see them.

Yes, I’m not sure about having to make people comfortable (whatever that means) but genuine interest in other people will always go over well this is where I go wrong, very little interest 😬

Oh yes! I'd love to interact with people normally. But I don't know how. This is the only way I can do it. I think that's why it seems so unobtainable, it absolutely is if your brain development was normal. Of course some people are just genuinely charismatic and just are naturally brilliant. But I bet a lot are like me, hiding our broken selves under a Mary Poppins practically perfect public person.

They're obliged to share this information with all and sundry?

Do you know them?

No one is obligated but some either choose to confess some brag about their affair, and some get caught in their cover stories.

You don't know them.

Gosh I could have written this!! It’s taken me a long time to master and I still steer clear of groups. The hygiene and presentation is vital, especially for ND people. It smooths the way for the conversation to flow smoothly. I know someone who’s a bit smelly, with bad teeth and he always wonders why people react badly towards him. I try to tactfully advise but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I’ve made many mistakes….I used to be the ‘sex pot’ and always wondered why other women hated me and why no one respected me.

And yes, it’s absolutely genuine and I’m so confident that I’m happy to come across as eccentric.

Oh I was diagnosed with Asperger’s eight years ago.

True but your point is, ? Cheating is a considered factor to how a marriage can appear perfect etc

My point is you're accusing this couple of all sorts and yet you wouldn't know them if you fell over them.

I'm waiting for the person who does know them to explain why she's the only one who knows they've both cheated and the woman is a narcissist.

Likeability is a thing. That is their gift. Some people just have it, along with charisma or leadership or other intangible qualities.

It is a powerful thing to have when coupled with ambition and resilience but the person who has it does not necessarily do anything with it. Just bask in their glow.

I emphatically agree, and have made the same point upthread.

IME, what you say is very true. I've been a people pleaser in the past. I didn't need to make a concerted effort to change this, as it happened organically after a course of EMDR therapy which enabled a clarity of vision about myself and others I'd never before dreamed was possible. This was a game-changer. Totally altered the way in which I interacted with people.

I don't go all out to make close friendships in my workplace - they happen or they don't and are not what I'm primarily there for - but I've noticed that since I've no longer been a 'yes' person I receive a great deal more respect. More than respect actually, I'd go as far as to call it affection in some quarters. I always got on well with people in the past, but a definite shift has taken place.

You get neither affection nor respect from being a People Pleaser. When you try to make others like you they will often simply despise you for it, whether or not they admit so to your face.

This thread is a timely reminder never to allow myself to slip back into my old habits. Healthy boundaries are good. Too often women are conditioned to believe theirs don't matter and that the road to popularity is being kind to absolutely everyone, often at your own expense.

It isn't.

I'm not accusing anyone it was the poster who I was originally quoting that said the accusations no t me, I was just explaining how affairs can contribute to the illusion of a perfect marriage by having an affair

You responded: "Because it's part of their personalities and shows that they give the air of perfection but that's partly maintained by affairs rather than their marriage breaking up" and "Well obviously they have confided in some of there close friends about the affairs but to others they give the air of perfection."

You have no idea who these people are.

Honestly, it's hard to say this without it sounding like a boast, but my 18yo dd is like this. Everyone loves her - she makes friends so easily everywhere she goes. She has always had fabulous relationships with her peers, but her teachers all rave about her too. Her friends' parents seem to love her, her colleagues at her PT job love her, and so do random little kids/older neighbours etc.

As someone who was always quite socially awkward myself, her effect on other people has always been a bit of a mystery to me. I have often tried over the years to analyse what it is that makes her how she is. She has had it since she was tiny though, so I definitely think it's nature not nurture... she hasn't learned her social skills from me!

What I can say is that dd is naturally very extroverted and she genuinely just likes people...even when she was tiny, she always wanted to talk to anyone and everyone. She very rarely takes a dislike to people and she isn't easily annoyed by them... she is just naturally very interested in themand I think that must come across. She is also naturally very high energy and mostly very positive/upbeat, and I guess this helps because she lifts the moods of those around her. In addition, she tends to be quite enthusiastic about stuff by nature, and she has quite an animated, expressive face. She is funny too - she really knows how to make people laugh.

I think it also helps that she is very self confident - excessive self-consciousness always got in my way - but I have always felt that confidence is a self perpetuating thing...if everyone you meet seems to think you're wonderful, how can you not be confident?!

Dd doesn't take any of it for granted. She knows that she is lucky to be able to make friends easily, but she works hard at maintaining relationships and doing nice things for others. Not just her friends either... she is very thoughtful towards all sorts of people, from teachers at school to random homeless people that she sees in the street. She just likes people and wants to do nice things for them.

I think it is just a gift that some people are born with. I wish I could be like that!!!

You seem to have opened a portal into another dimension there. What a bizarre interaction! (Or someone having a name change fail)

I know what you mean but I'm not sure. The people I know who have the 'shiny' appeal to them seem to be open and fairly extroverted. There is one friend in particular who is always very willing to open her home and have children to play etc. She and her husband also have high status jobs and live in a beautiful home with a lovely lifestyle. She works hard and doesn't moan, but has actually also had quite a charmed life. Of course difficult things have come her way, but perhaps not to the extent of others. Along with her personality, I think people are flattered that she wants to be friends with them. I don't think it's deliberate, but she tends to mix in circles with less prestigious jobs and not as amazing homes. This makes her a bit aspirational. People seek her out and want to work hard to maintain friendship with her. I recently noticed that our friendship is quite one way and took the initiative less. Despite a 20 year friendship, I just haven't heard from her. I feel quite sad about it but I just don't think she thinks to pursue people as she has so many good friendships on tap. Your question is really interesting and I've thought the same myself. I am very hospitable and try to be a very loyal friend but I'm a fat mumsy looking person and will never achieve that shiny status.

Yes. Just be nice. It's not difficult. Try to see the positive. Smile at everyone not bitch about anyone

My apologies I presumed how they were based on the person I quoted originally.

I'm not quite sure why they took to my original comment based on another posters comment.

I know they have both cheated, as do some others, due to a drunken confession and a later sober one on a weekend away. I don’t have to answer to you though, hope that helps!

@Wisenotboring you have written a very perceptive post. While I have also admired these women, I often think there is a degree of having been quite lucky, as you say, living quite a charmed life, or at least more so than the women they are socialising and mixing with. Often lovely, supportive families and inlaws behind the scenes. Often that support is financial. Luck in finding a nice partner and having healthy, amenable, attractive children.

I have also found that while I have often been friends with these women, the friendship turns out to be quite one way as they have more/better offers from people who are more demanding of their time. That part can be a double-edged sword though and sometimes these women have quite poor boundaries with people who 'won't take no for an answer' though.

Because you were replying as if you knew who the other poster was talking about personally.

That case my error.

I guess this thread isn't about you then