Everyone loves her-how do you become like this?

[Backinthesummerof1995]

One of the school mums/women in my area is so loved by everyone, super popular but in that nice way as in, people just adore her. She’s v confident and quite loud, but also great fun and a genuinely nice person.
I know lots of people with a great bunch of friends, but almost literally everyone loves her and she has friends in every set of people. I’ve not seen this to this extent before. They write things on her sm (birthday etc) about her being a truly beautiful person inside and out.
How do you become a person like this?

Agree with all those saying it's innate. There's a short list of helpful qualities that people can be born with: charisma, presence, intelligence, beauty, longevity, even photogenicity - probably a couple more I haven't thought of.

I wonder if anyone's ever been born with them all? Writers who met Cleopatra in real life said she wasn't great-looking but had immense charisma, presence and intelligence.

On top of being a mainly good person with an active favour bank, there are things you can do to improve popularity: eye contact; humour; being quick to appreciate and slow to judge. "That person" does them all instinctively, with the added quality of charisma.

I thought it might be a name change fail.

She will have her dark side. Just like every other human. Some people put a lot of effort into being popular but there will be a cost somewhere. Hate to be cynical, but I'm old!

Fair enough 😊

Yes, my friend is very nice and good fun to be around but I definitely think there is a positive feedback loop effect. She just has no experience of people not pursuing her or wanting to be her friend. Her family are supportive and she had a great childhood. Plenty of money a good job mean she has a lifestyle that is very aspirational. This gives an innate confidence that she is doing things right and people will respond well to her. A mix of luck and temperament. I have been very hurt after such a long friendship that I seem more disposable to her than I realised.

I think I try a little too hard to be amenable and helpful to people. As I said in my post above, I am quite overweight as is my husband and definitely see a difference in how we are viewed compared to when I was much thinner and more attractive. I've done lots of soul searching over this and am beginning to develop new boundaries over how I interact with others. I don't want to become hard-nosed and transactional in my relationships but I think I need to allow greater balance in order not to be hurt by how other people treat me. It's an interesting time. I'm viewing it as an opportunity to reevaluate my relationships and make changes where it is appropriate. I've done the same in other areas of my life which has resulted in some really positive developments. I'm hoping that a bit of critical evaluation of my friendships and how I create the right balance will bring about good change. I'll never be a shiny person but as I've been quite hurt in friendships over recent years, I will be interested to see if a few adjustments actually make some things better.

My friend is like this- people flock to her side, jostling each other to get close, people love her! she exudes charisma and is equally charming and likeable whether rubbing shoulders with consultant doctors or cleaners... She's actually a chameleon and can fit in with anyone at anytime. But you know what, she's actually not very real - so what people think they are getting, isn't the actual reality. And observing her over the years, I'm not sure she actually knows who she really is. She'll make you feel like the only person in the room, will remember all the little details you've told her, will congratulate you on your insight/humour/intellect and ultimately, will make you feel absolutely bloody wonderful about yourself. She's confident without any arrogance, never runs others down or gossips and is a bloody brilliant laugh - no wonder she can charm the birds from the trees! She's everything to everyone. And therin lies the problem - for the more sensitivity attuned, over time they start to look a little deeper and question that she might say xyz, but what does she really think? ? I've come to the conclusion that you'll never really know her , so great on superficial level but a ride or die friend, no way. And because she spreads herself in so many directions and bends and adapts flawlessly, I never really buy into what she says anymore because I don't know her!

I have a friend like this and I agree with everything you have said! I have caught her out in things she has forgotten she has said etc and I got a shock when I realised I didn't actually know her at all. I was flattered when we met as she really made such an effort to be my friend. We were close but as time went out I realised she was like this with everyone. She would panic when a few friends would be together as she couldn't manage all her personalities! Being popular was important to her, she isn't a bad person but you can't ever have real or close friendships if you are like that.

Most of us are moths but some are butterflies. I think if you have close familial or friend connection to a butterfly in your life, you're lucky.

@Blossomingtree

yes it's hard to swallow when you realise someone's not who you thought they were. I can relate to your friend getting in a flap when there's a group, maybe that's why my friend has compartmentalize our friendship, she likes to keep things very separate! Like I said before, she's really a great person to know but my hope of it being a deeper connection has passed. I rushed over to help her out with something health related a few months back and felt flattered I was the 'chosen one' and felt it was somehow indicative of our closeness, but soon learnt that it was a convenience ask, and the next day she was up and running and hanging out with another friend.

I'm thinking the same. I used to work with someone who was 'loved by everyone' and 'would do anything for anyone'. Until they shoved everyone under the bus at the first wiff of promotion.
**
I don't trust people who are nice all of the time. No one is nice all of the time. Everyone has something or someone they don't like. People who are nice all of the time don't come across as genuine to me

Being personable is not quite the same as being nice so I suppose it’s not always as genuine as it seems.
Still unless they do something wrong, like the woman in your example, it doesn’t really matter.

It's possible though to be nice and charismatic on the surface but not be a perfect person. The most interesting popular people aren't those who are superficial, but also those who are a bit vulnerable, a bit real. I don't quite get this dichotomy that people are either nice/false or not nice/more real.

I almost never fall out with friends, am judgemental, am very flexible and easy going in my friendships which makes me a great friend. I'm not like this at all as a romantic partner, I get upset very easily, take offence and tend to strop about when challenged. I don't consider myself a great partner, although I do have some ok qualities like loyalty.

Some of these readings of others are just a bit black and white, few people are the same in all types of situations and popular people socially aren't always great at their job or in partnerships, it doesn't require quite the same skill set although being emotionally literate and charismatic does carry between the two.

Some of these readings of others are just a bit black and white, few people are the same in all types of situations

Thank goodness for some common sense, @Highdaysandholidays1! Also what you said about the fallacy that people are either nice & false or unpleasant & real.

I think it's safe to say that, if someone responds to a person's popularity by searching for negatives, they are unlikely to be very popular themselves.

The reality is no one's sweetness and light all the time, just as unpleasant people will have some good points, albeit sometimes this requires looking hard enough.

The assumed dichotomy often seen here, assuming 'good people' and 'bad people', is really over simplistic. Everyone's 'false' to a degree, given humans tend to show others what they want them to see and this will vary from situation to situation. And this is a good thing overall, because people tend to be able to read cues and nuances (this is not an indictment of neuro-diverse people who may struggle to do this and have a much harder time of it accordingly).

There are times to be kind. And there are other times when rudeness really is under good regulation. People are much more rounded and complex creatures than this thread gives them credit for as a rule.

Its how you make other people feel when you talk to them. Make someone feel heard, and also be open back and dont try to be anything youre not. And never judge

Smile - eliminate RBF
Make eye contact
Be a good listener
Be interested in others
Concentrate on the positive in people
Be polite and friendly
Never slag off anyone - face to face or behind their back
Never make assumptions about people
Don’t take offence
Follow up on any offers of help that you make (make no false promises)

That should cover it - I have gone from being disinterested in people to gaining a large group of friends over a 10-year period by consciously trying to do everything on my list above.

I also think it's about not voicing any strong opinions and generally just seeking what you have in common with everyone. I wonder if this person ever talks much about themselves or is a person who mostly asks others questions. I think they can make people feel listened to and interesting.

I've just been reading about George Alagia. He seems to have been one of those people. The sheer warmth and love expressed for him by his colleagues is quite something.

Those plus:
Don't indulge in gossip
Respect people's confidences

You put other people first and make the comfortable

I don't agree with the putting others first being a defining quality of these super popular people. My friend is quite able to be kind, considerate and go over and above to look out for those she loves , while still saying she can't do something or doesn't want to etc. She has no pretence about her. She is able to say she's totally pissed off about something and doesn't radiate positivity if she's sad or upset. I'd say I have quite a few of the same qualities as she has but just don't draw people to me like she does. I honestly think someone could do exactly what she does but while they might be well liked and thought of, just wouldn't have whatever x factor she has

It’s that ‘Halo Effect’ working again. She sounds like a lovely lady. I hope some of the other mums don’t become jealous of her and get bitchy - that’s what happens sometimes when someone is popular.

I know someone like this. Four successful kids, family business, grandchildren, would do anything for anyone. She has a fantastic husband who is hands on in every way. She's quiet, unassuming, very attractive with an amazing figure but always modestly dressed. She has bags of empathy and can always make someone feel better by telling them of similar misfortune in her own life.

Not only that, the thing that depresses me the most is that the whole extended family actually gets on so well. One of the kids posted a video of grandads birthday get-together. There were 27 of them playing rounders on the beach to celebrate. I would have 4. The rest we don't speak to.

I know someone like this, however it’s mainly because not many know what’s she’s really like behind the persona the majority of people who all think she’s great she actually slags off behind their backs 🫠

My mum was this person. She was just a normal, ordinary lady. Worked as a secretary for ICI, lived in the same town her whole life. On the day of her funeral, the church and subsequently the crem were packed with some people stood outside. She was only 45.

I have several friends like this. They are just transparently lovely and caring.

I’ve been described like this which I feel awkward to say. I’ve often been told that as soon as they saw me they wanted to hate me but couldn’t help but really like me. I was always popular with boys and girls at school - attractive Tom boy who had a rude sense of humour but a real girls girl who people confided in because I’m trustworthy, and this progressed throughout my adult life.

I genuinely want people to have the impression ‘oh isn’t she nice’ because I know I’m a good person and sadly, people’s opinions matter to me. If ever anyone said I’d upset them or they didn’t like me for any reason, I would truly be devastated. I know I shouldn’t care!

I hate the thought of people feeling down so want to be positive and uplifting so they feel good around me. I never really moan to friends even when really struggling as I don’t want to bring them down so I’m always seen as happy and positive.

I don’t have a large circle of friends as I like to trust people and quite introverted but always have people wanting to get closer to me, asking if I want to go for lunch/ coffees - always first picked for teams, partnering up etc.

I try and always be confident even when I know I’m not at all because I never want to look a fool or people think I’m only here because of looks / charisma / some other spurious reason. I never discus politics, religion, sensitive topics as I’m an over thinker who would worry I’d upset someone.

Long and short of it is I am a kind person , been told I’m attractive and positive, who is a people pleaser and often gets taken advantage of or walked over. I get really bad anxiety as I don’t want anyone not to like me and often feel drained as I’m the go to person people come to with their problems.