Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

[Bunny1987]

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

So you're calling op pathetic because she gave an example of how her partner chose to let her down unnecessarily. Op dealt with it, she doesn't have to be happy about it as well. That's not pathetic that's not wanting to be given promises that are easily broken because suddenly it's not convenient.

The same partner (a dude apparently) who couldn't care less about the physical complications that came with pregnancy and wanted her to shut up about those, but op is the emotionally abusive one.
Ok.

It's spelt pity.
And children are both my kids and our kids. Both are true. You're choosing a really inconsequential point to home in on. Almost like you have an axe to grind.

Include him in the scans. It is his baby as well as yours. If you don’t include him he will have zero interest and co-parenting will be a nightmare. It’s nice he is excited about finding out the gender. I would give him the benefit of the doubt at least until the baby is born and he’s had some time to prove himself. If he continually proves himself to be a useless uncaring twat then you can distance yourself with your morals intact with no guilt further down the line that you forced him out unfairly.

Also a scan isn’t a deeply personal and private thing. There’s no private bits on display, they jelly up your tummy and that’s about it. Any anomalies with the baby he should know about too at the same time as you and be there to support you. He can’t do that if he is not at the scan, and he can’t ask questions about abnormalities either to the medical staff which isn’t fair

According to the OP he doesn't want to be at the scan as he was making a big deal out of taking a day off work because of this

Eeww, "sexy Mommy" - yep, gross! How do you usually talk? I found only texting with my ex/DC's dad useful in setting boundaries. Phone calls and meeting up in person - as you say, that's just stress. If he calls, just say, "We're not together any more, I don't want to chat. Text me what you want to say and I'll get back to you." But only get back to him if it's about the baby. Everything else, do not respond, do not engage. Grey rock - heard of that on here? Give him no attention for the inappropriate comments and he'll get bored. It's the reaction he's going for. He wants to know he still has power to stir up some emotion in you, so take that away from him.

About the turning up to the scan, maybe this is also trying to get a reaction out of you. If he died turn up, use it as an opportunity to try grey rock? Be distant, polite, a bit bored. If he says stuff not about the baby or concern for your health, check your phone and ignore him, if he tries to keep you talking afterwards, cut across him "Anyway, good to know the baby is well, isn't it? I've got to go, bye!"

Does turn up not died turn up!! (Sorry hope I didn't get your hopes up there! 😂)

Well if it’s that important he can book and pay for a private scan with op’s agreement. Op has every right to decide who attends her medical appointment concerning her body and the baby she is growing inside which couldn’t survive without her body. She wants him to be involved. He otoh is too busy moaning about seeing his brother or getting drunk.

I know when the time comes to ask for money to buy baby stuff he will insist on coming with me which again will be very stressful.

You're going to have to get good at insisting on things, too! What happens when you try to push back with what you want to happen? Do you ever do that? (I know I gave up when I was with my ex because he seemed to always get his way in the end.) What about replying "No, that's ok thanks, I can handle it." It is easier to assert what you want when you're separate, have some emotional distance from him and are only texting to communicate as it gives you time to think! If he says he wants to be involved, give him a specific purchase, say he buys the pram. He might prefer this to giving you money at this stage, although he will have to get used to that eventually!

Hmm… I’m on the fence on this one. Ultimately, you can chose who comes to your scan appointments and if you don’t want him there, then he can’t be there.

Whether it’s “petty” or not depends, I think, on your motivation for excluding him. If it’s to get back at him for not being a good partner or to punish him because you are angry and upset (which may well be justified) by excluding him from something you know important to him regarding your baby, then I think that is not only petty, but ultimately likely to be counterproductive. It may well backfire on you. If it’s that he’s been unpleasant enough that you don’t feel comfortable, then explain that to him and carry on as you plan. Let him know that you expect to be treated fairly.

That said, I do think that if you exclude him often enough/on every important occasion then you may find co-parenting more complicated than it already is going to be. He may well back off completely, or become combative, which is not going to lead to a cohesive co-parenting relationship. For you, this is all very “real” because you’re carrying the baby. I think sometimes it’s all a bit abstract for them until the baby is here and involving them makes it more “real” and they then become more supportive. And yes, I am more than well aware some men will remain uninvolved/ uncaring/ selfish/thoughtless/awful (delete as appropriate) no matter what you do, because that’s what they are.

I guess my thoughts would be that if you exclude him from things like scans and simply “inform once the baby is here”, that’s not entirely fair. For your child’s sake I think you probably have to give him the benefit of the doubt to start with. He may well be a poor partner, but given the opportunity he may be be a good father. If he proves himself to be a poor father, then that’s a different matter altogether and you’re justified in taking appropriate steps for the sake of yourself and your child.

As for the birth certificate, it’s again tricky. Whatever you do, I guess you have to put the chid first (in the long run- I doubt a baby will be affected one way if another if their father is on the birth certificate). As you aren’t married, he’s need to be there when you register it. If he won’t come, then that’s his problem.

If he’s willing to come and wants to be on the bc but you leave him off the certificate to make a point/ get back at him/upset him because he has hurt you- well, I don’t think that’s a good reason. If you don’t do it because you believe he is a danger I’d risk to the child or will use it to manipulate you, then fair enough- he can go to court to get himself out on the birth certificate. I imagine that is not cheap or quick, so if he genuinely isn’t that interested in the child and only using it to get at you then I doubt he’s bother going to that effort.

OP I would just communicate strictly about baby tbh, if he wants to come to the scan I would offer him to come along, it takes around 20minutes at most! I also split with my ex when I was pregnant with my eldest son, he wasn’t very nice and was always belittling! However, I offered him along to each scan for the sake of our child.. it’s important both parents are there to listen to any health problems or anything they may see as a risk during the scan.

my ex hasn’t seen our son for 5yrs now! He always had the offer to but sometimes not every man is cut out to be a father, at least if you offer him along, give him every opportunity to be there for baby if he chooses to not bother/would rather party you can honestly say you tried everything you could for them to have a relationship!

I wouldn’t keep him off the birth certificate, if ever this went down the routes of going to court (if you both can’t coparent amicably) they won’t look kindly on this (one of my friends did this and it wasn’t a nice experience!)

not just that, you’d be hiding information from your child, information they rightly deserve to know who BOTH biological parents are.

you need to have the headspace of he’s an ex now, you are both coparenting for your child, you should naturally both want the best for baby.
as for the scan picture it’s not a big deal, if he wants a copy just take a picture on your phone and send it him? From my experience they always give like three pictures of the scan free anyway, I never needed more than free so didn’t need to pay anything! I’ve had four babies.

ignore his silly messages aswell like “sexy mommy” just ignore them, unless it’s a question to do with baby or an appointment just ignore him!

it does sound abit tit for tat atm, you need to rise above it! Don’t rely on him for anything other than essentials for the baby, ask him to put money towards items? Do online food shops instead, show him your independent!

He has no say in what surname the baby has.

I totally disagree that courts won't kjndly on him not being on bc don't scare op like that. It's very normal. It's not denying the child to know his father either- she can add him on at any point when baby is 1 or 5 or 17, she doesn't have to do it when she first registers at a month old not knowing if this man will be trouble or not. She has to protect herself he does not sound like a responsible person.

At my 20 week scan the baby didn't co-operate. Didn't get half the measurements that they wanted to and they couldn't determine the sex.

What did happen however was a meeting with a consultant due to the bleeding that included an internal cervical examination and swabs with a speculum. And LOTS of very personal questions about MY medical history. I also got sent to triage for further tests, for MY health. It was quite upsetting and I needed support from someone I trusted. Thankfully my DH was that person.

It is a deeply private thing. It was a medical appointment for me, and NO ONE should feel they have to let their EX watch them have essentially a smear test lest it risk 'pushing them out' of the pregnancy. Especially when said ex has minimised all the issues from the beginning. She needs to take someone who will support her and that she trusts when she is vunerable.

He wants to bond he can book a private scan that includes no medical info about mum. All the other stuff about names and birth certificate are tbh derailing the thread from OPs actual question.

Having the father o the birth certificate is not always a good idea. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the child knowing who the father is or contact etc or any moral argument.
Having the father on the birth certificate gives him the exact same rights as the mum has and in a difficult relationship this can and frequently does cause significant problems.
So ask yourself if you want him to have the right to apply for a passport for your child, refuse your choice of school etc.
It is very easy to involve him in those decisions if he is a good co-parent and he absolutely does not need to be on the birth cert. If he has form for being difficult having him on the birth certificate will make your life hell.

Yes it does have to do with child knowing who their father and also it's shared parental responsibility between them if the father is on the birth certificate hense why you sign it the birth certificate as proof.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum a friend of mine has literally just gone through the situation, it makes the court process a lot more difficult! The courts didn’t look kindly on her for it, she came out in tears! I’m stating facts. Hardly scaring OP just saying to do the right thing and not withhold information from her own child!

Yes it is shared parental responsibility - so the father has the exact same rights re any decision making which can cause significant problems if there are difficulties in the relationship. Most people do not rely on a birth certificate to know the identity of their father.

I do not think the OP has suggested she is planning to withhold the identity of the father from her child.

So if a woman is expecting to be a single parent I would most certainly caution her to think very carefully about whether she really wants the father on the birth cert and be aware of the long term problematic implications.

This

@FlyingHighFlyingLow yes I agree with you.
I have now had two vaginal examinations in Triage and both very uncomfortable and I defo would not feel relaxed or at ease with him watching on.

Like you say it’s very personal.

He still adamant that some bleeding is normal in pregnancy and wants to ask the doctor himself.
He also has a big mouth and likes to tells his brother and best friend about my bleeding cervix.

I cant reason with him at all and anything I say is just minimised or dismissed as he is always right.

He has just told me that he can’t remember the last time I cooked him a meal from work or ran him a bath.

He lived in my apartment for two years (had his own place too ) , never contributed to a single bill despite using the utilities and eating all my food.

I literally am starting to really hate him.

Most people do not rely on a birth certificate to know the identity of their father.
The whole point of signing the birth certificate is so you know who your parents are especially for those who are single parents, however like I mentioned it does give shared parental responsibility @Madwomanuptheroad29@Madwomanuptheroad29

Sorry for @ twice

Not only is that not the whole point of a birth certificate, it doesn't even necessarily have that function. A man being listed as the father on a BC certainly isn't proof that he is. There aren't any checks.

I don’t mind putting his name on the birth certificate.

It is the fact that he demands the baby has his surname I have an issue with.

We are not married, and it is all well making these demands when he has not really stepped up during the pregnancy.

Look do not quote me again I told you this before you like argue with me and for what reason I don't know, I don't have time for your nonsense

In addition to being confused about the function of birth certificates and basic comprehension, you also don't seem to have got your head round how message boards work.

TLDR- the whole point of a birth certificate is not to serve as a record of parentage. It just isn't. Your choices are that you can either accept that or be wrong.