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Original poster

Am I being petty not letting father come to 20 week scan?

240 replies

Bunny1987 · 22/07/2023 23:00

I have just left the father of my unborn child and wanted some advice on letting him come to the 20 week scan next week.

Since my pregnancy he has not really looked after me, I have felt pretty much alone.

I have had various visits to hospital with worrying bleeds and it was only last week I was finally diagnosed with cervical ectropion.

I find it really painful to walk due to the pressure on my pelvis and today we had agreed that he would give me a lift to do food shopping as I had no food in the house.

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

I has to walk in the rain and carry heavy bags of groceries.

The issue is not him going out with his brother, it’s the fact that he knows I am in pain when I walk and he just left knowing I had no food in the house.

I have told him he is not welcome to the scan and we are finished and I will just do my own thing and I will let him know when the baby is born .

This is not a one off issue as I am not that petty but I feel I would be better of alone and I dont feel it’s fair that he gets to come to a scan when I have been pretty much alone these last months.

Advice appreciated please x

OP posts:
FlyingHighFlyingLow · 23/07/2023 10:51

Its a medical appointment, if you don't want him there don't have him there. It won't just be the scan, you'll also likely have a meeting with the consultant after given your bleeding. I did - turns out in addition to the ectropion I have placenta previa which can actually be very dangerous! They can ask a lot of very invasive questions you might not want him there for.

It's your choice. If he wants a scan to bond with baby, tell him you'll happily attend any private scan he books and pays for, providing he checks your availability in advance. Scan places also do 'gender scans' (yes I know its sex but that's what they call them!), if you're feeling charitable tell him you won't find out at the anatomy scan and wait to find out with him (if baby cooperates, mine didn't so still no clue!). However you're no longer in a relationship so he has no rights to your personal medical appointments.

As for the shopping you know you have cervical issues - don't be a martyr saying you had to walk with heavy shopping bags in the rain. Book a delivery and go to a nearby corner shop for enough to tide you over or walk there and get a taxi back. If you also have previa you'll also be told not to lift/carry - even though lots of women 'have to', you genuinely medically may be advised to avoid lifting at all costs. He's shown he isn't going to help you so don't rely on him, especially when it could affect your and baby wellbeing.

FoodCentre · 23/07/2023 11:03

Moonshine5 · 23/07/2023 10:43

If OP is claiming CMS which is the child's right then father will likely have visitation

That's definitely not how it works. It's up to OP. if he wants visits and she says no, he needs to take it to family court.

The child maintenance service (CMS) have nothing to do with parental responsibility

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 11:07

Moonshine5 · 23/07/2023 10:43

If OP is claiming CMS which is the child's right then father will likely have visitation

She's made it clear she wants to support the father having a relationship with the child when he's here

OnGoldenPond · 23/07/2023 11:48

electriclight · 23/07/2023 08:00

You left him but seem hurt that he doesn't care about you or prioritise you. I think this will increasingly be the case and at some point he'll be in a new relationship.

You have chosen to go it alone for good reasons I'm sure, so the best thing now would be to maintain a civil relationship and only communicate about the baby.

OP has finished the relationship BECAUSE he didn't help her or prioritise her at the time they were together. She has also explained that this was just the latest incident in a whole pattern of selfish behaviour going back over their entire five year relationship. The latest incident was just the last straw.

So not an overreaction to an isolated incident. Myself, I'm amazed she put up with him for so long.

lljkk · 23/07/2023 13:20

Moaning about no sex is not the same as demanding to have sex.

I don't think you'll end up in a good co-parenting situation if you stop him from having chances to bond with the baby to be; banning him from scan = "keep out of our lives" message.

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 23/07/2023 13:43

lljkk · 23/07/2023 13:20

Moaning about no sex is not the same as demanding to have sex.

I don't think you'll end up in a good co-parenting situation if you stop him from having chances to bond with the baby to be; banning him from scan = "keep out of our lives" message.

He has no right to attend her medical appointments. 20 week scan is a medical appointment where they take a lot of measurements and make any necessary referals. At mine due to bleeding I also had a meeting with a consultant as part of the appointment and they ask very intimate questions about ME which I wouldn't want an ex-partner there for.

Medical scans aren't bonding sessions, and the purpose is not finding out the sex. In my case I couldn't as baby had legs crossed. You can however book private scans for the purpose of finding out the sex and bonding with the baby, during which personal medical questions about mum will not be asked. She should give him the option to choose to book one of these instead.

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 13:53

A few days after we went to the 12th week scan he went out “celebrating” with his brother getting drunk and blanked my calls.

I had to have another scan at 16 weeks to because of the bleeding and I let him come, so I have been fair.

I just told him he is not welcome on Tuesday and all he could moan about was how he had not seen his brother for a month.

He was moaning about booking Tuesday off, I told him to go and see his brother instead.

OP posts:
Usernameunknownfornow · 23/07/2023 14:03

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 09:57

@Usernameunknownfornow

It's no struggle for op to do the dna test. He would need to do one himself if the CMA asks him to pay child maintenance and he'd need to pay for it and the pay would be back dated to when she filed the claim. Please don't give a pregnant woman false info and stress her out more she's been through a lot.

OP you don't have to make the decision about BC now, some PP seem very certain your child has some kind of right to have their father listed - whilst I get that, it will mean nothing to him when he is a baby or young child so I strongly advise that when it's the first 6 weeks and you are forced by law to register the birth at that stage you don't put him on (you can't unless he's physically present too). Once your child is older IF he's a good dad and not messing up your life at all then you can very easily just take the dad back and add him on, that's the advice I got when registering sons birth. Lots of happy unmarried couples might need to do that, eg if dad was away in the army and couldn't physically sign it etc.

my ex told me I had broken his mothers heart by not putting him on (emotional blackmail) and I told him it makes no difference to her life in any shape or form but if she has any specific worries please tell her to ask me about them (she didn't mention it ever) and also that his name can easily be added on later but it's not something I feel safe or comfortable doing right now. He told me he didn't have to pay maintenance (untrue) but I should appreciate he still is. We haven't mentioned it since as I am giving him regular contact with no hard work or responsibility so he's probably pretty happy with the situation he can play dad a couple of times a week but still party and play video games all evening and get good night sleep. They'd probably get on well our exes 🫣

It is a struggle to get DNA testing because that will mean that OP will have to go through courts which is more stress, so please don't start giving op flase information making out like it is easy. My child's father is on the birth certificate we didn't have to go through DNA testing and his on child maintenance aswel, my friend is also on child maintenance and he isn't on the birth certificate he didn't have to go through DNA testing, the only reason why you would go through DNA testing is FOR example OP unborn baby father is denying he is the father.. Goodbye

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 14:49

drpet49 · 23/07/2023 09:37

He will just go to court, get his name on the birth certificate and have parental rights and there is nothing the OP can do about it.

Show quote history

@drpet49

He can, but that involves effort, I doubt he'll make the effort, but if he does, she can have her say about him only doing it to control her, not because he's interested in his child.

but at least make him put some effort in, no need to just hand over another way to control her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 15:01

Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 13:53

A few days after we went to the 12th week scan he went out “celebrating” with his brother getting drunk and blanked my calls.

I had to have another scan at 16 weeks to because of the bleeding and I let him come, so I have been fair.

I just told him he is not welcome on Tuesday and all he could moan about was how he had not seen his brother for a month.

He was moaning about booking Tuesday off, I told him to go and see his brother instead.

I think you are still too emotionally involved in his life and what he's up to- you've left him so not of that is your responsibility now just make decisions and statements about you and what you're doing. What he does with his free time now is up to him.don't be drawn into any other communication it's not good for your mental health.

Boudiccabitesback · 23/07/2023 15:02

All this sounds very stressful for you OP.
I couldn't tell you with certainty about maintenance but you can choose your babies surname and it doesn't have to match the fathers surname. He cannot force that.
I recommend trying to have as little stress as possible before your baby is born, you will need all your energy after the birth 🌺

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 15:02

lljkk · 23/07/2023 13:20

Moaning about no sex is not the same as demanding to have sex.

I don't think you'll end up in a good co-parenting situation if you stop him from having chances to bond with the baby to be; banning him from scan = "keep out of our lives" message.

Not if you're very clear about I need some space now but I'll keep you informed about baby's health and let you know when they are here.
If he doesn't make an effort with his child because he didn't 'bond' at yet another scan then he was always going to be a shit sad that's not on op

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 15:03

Boudiccabitesback · 23/07/2023 15:02

All this sounds very stressful for you OP.
I couldn't tell you with certainty about maintenance but you can choose your babies surname and it doesn't have to match the fathers surname. He cannot force that.
I recommend trying to have as little stress as possible before your baby is born, you will need all your energy after the birth 🌺

I agree

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 15:06

He is a joke.
Give him clear options offering that which is best for you and baby.
Ignore excuses and other life drama.
Minimizing your concerns over bleeding when he knows nothing about pregnancy at all is entirely him saying 'i don't want to deal with you or anything difficult, be quiet and go away'.
You can't rely on him, you can't trust him, he's at sperm donor level of fatherhood and showing no interest in more.
In your shoes I'd be making sure I was protected from any games he might pull and prepping for anything I might need to do like submit a maintenance claim. When baby arrives you'll be struggling to find time to shower never mind do admin.

Butchyrestingface · 23/07/2023 15:09

Next thing he is asking if I mind him going to a festival with his brother as he has not seen his brother for a month.

Think I would have done one of two things before hitting the nuclear button:

1). Order a delivery
2). Say, "Yes, I very much DO mind you going to a festival with your not-so-long-lost brother, you're getting the shopping in."

You're the patient, so if you don't want him at the scans, don't have him.

And don't put his name on the birth certificate either.

StormShadow · 23/07/2023 15:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 15:02

Not if you're very clear about I need some space now but I'll keep you informed about baby's health and let you know when they are here.
If he doesn't make an effort with his child because he didn't 'bond' at yet another scan then he was always going to be a shit sad that's not on op

Show quote history

Yep, this.

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2023 15:23

I'd ask him to pay for private scan if you want to know the gender

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2023 16:05

It's not really clear whether these events you're reporting are from before you split up or after, and I wonder whether you could do with a clearer divide between you two communicating as exes and as parents-to-be.

I think, since you are not together, assume he will not be an emotional or practical support. Get your support elsewhere. OTOH, expect him to live up to his responsibilities. "I need to buy a pram - could you send me £xxx, please?" Communicate about the baby only.

Use the rest of the pregnancy, in which there is hopefully not a lot to talk to him about, to fix this new way of communicating with him (and just as importantly, thinking about him). If he texts about other stuff, ignore him. If he tries to include you in his decision-making, like he did about seeing his brother, don't be drawn in. "That's your decision." (He was trying to feel better about abandoning you by getting you to agree to it.) And while you're not talking to him much, build your support network. Spend more time with friends and family, make new friends if you can at those preparation classes. Reduce his importance in your life. Best case scenario is he is important to your child but you feel nothing towards him (positive or negative).

Original poster
Bunny1987 · 23/07/2023 16:21

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2023 16:05

It's not really clear whether these events you're reporting are from before you split up or after, and I wonder whether you could do with a clearer divide between you two communicating as exes and as parents-to-be.

I think, since you are not together, assume he will not be an emotional or practical support. Get your support elsewhere. OTOH, expect him to live up to his responsibilities. "I need to buy a pram - could you send me £xxx, please?" Communicate about the baby only.

Use the rest of the pregnancy, in which there is hopefully not a lot to talk to him about, to fix this new way of communicating with him (and just as importantly, thinking about him). If he texts about other stuff, ignore him. If he tries to include you in his decision-making, like he did about seeing his brother, don't be drawn in. "That's your decision." (He was trying to feel better about abandoning you by getting you to agree to it.) And while you're not talking to him much, build your support network. Spend more time with friends and family, make new friends if you can at those preparation classes. Reduce his importance in your life. Best case scenario is he is important to your child but you feel nothing towards him (positive or negative).

All these events occurred whilst we were still together.

You make some good valid points in your post, he asked me but would of gone regardless of my answer.

I am trying to set boundaries and he keeps calling me “sexy Mommy” and I would prefer he assessed me by my name.

He dosent take what I am saying serious and now has said will be waiting outside for me when I got for my scan.

The hospital sent me two letters about my appointment for some reason and I gave him the spare one.

I would defo like to make new friends as we share the same friends.

Working from home can very lonely and isolating.

I have never asked him for any money during our relationship but I know when the time comes to ask for money to buy baby stuff he will insist on coming with me which again will be very stressful.

OP posts:
AnoyDad2023 · 23/07/2023 16:33

What is it with women saying MY child and not "OUR" child. It isn't yours. It's just as much his.

Ffs.

AnoyDad2023 · 23/07/2023 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PimpMyFridge · 23/07/2023 16:36

@AnoyDad2023 try telling him that, he doesn't appear to have noticed.

Newshoess · 23/07/2023 16:37

AnoyDad2023 · 23/07/2023 16:33

What is it with women saying MY child and not "OUR" child. It isn't yours. It's just as much his.

Ffs.

I think when the responsibility is left to you and your left in shit. It feels like MY child... because if its really our child how come nobody has the powers to split things a but more fairly? It's extremely frustrating at times. I think you will find those men that are pulling their weight would get referred to in a different manner.

AnoyDad2023 · 23/07/2023 16:38

Newshoess · 23/07/2023 16:37

I think when the responsibility is left to you and your left in shit. It feels like MY child... because if its really our child how come nobody has the powers to split things a but more fairly? It's extremely frustrating at times. I think you will find those men that are pulling their weight would get referred to in a different manner.

Show quote history

Every single woman on Mumsnet refers to kids as "my". But only once they are single and after pitty points.

lljkk · 23/07/2023 16:38

scans during pregnancy are big moments for many if not most prospective parents