To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

I don’t think these positions are mutually exclusive. The presents you gave could be seen as lavish money wise but “shit” in her view as it wasn’t what she wanted/was interested in.

Yes. You can tell her because you are her mother and she is still (a very vulnerable) child. Being 16 doesn't make it compulsory. And before anyone jumps on with the "ooh they'll only do it behind your back!" No. No to the vaping, to the foul language, etc etc but that should really have been embedded years ago. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this girl really needs strong parental guidance.

Even Pandora doesn't want Pandora shit

I think what you got her and what you organised for her sounds lovely.

I’ve said YABU because that’s an inordinate amount you spent that she clearly doesn’t deserve.

It’s her serious boyfriend who she’s been in a relationship with for years. I don’t see this as an issue as she’s being responsible. I agree no to all of the above, do you think I’ve told her she can do those things? Obviously not!

I was 19 bought a house and had a fiance and had to sleep in separate rooms at my parents house. Gey a backbone and parent for god's sake.

Thank you! I did try and it came from a loving place. I just feel whatever I’d of done wouldn’t have been right in this situation

Wish I’d not even mentioned pandora bloody hell I didn’t realise how much people hated it!

Good grief! That’s hilarious! Did you have a chastity belt and get sewn into your bedsheets too?

At 16 I think its a bit late tbh. I appreciate that you have experienced a terrible loss but guidance should have been given from an early age. I'd be mortified if my children were that ungrateful and grabby.

Frankly, she didn't deserve a present or party at all. She sounds awfully spoilt. It comes across as though you've done everything you can to help your DD. Her grandparents have not done you any favours.

When you say that you're angry with your DD's father, would it be right to assume suicide? If this is the case, I can see that it might lead to a lot of resentment on her part and she may feel that he has opted out of things like milestone birthdays.

Ultimately, I would feel absolutely no guilt for your DD being upset about her birthday. It's very difficult for her to lose her dad but there comes a point where you have to leave her to deal with the consequences of her poor choices.

I hope she sees the light soon. You can't protect her from her life choices forever and some people have to learn the hard way. I appreciate it isn't easy to witness as a parent.

But you haven't told her that she can't do them. Nor has her step dad. She hasn't been given clear enough boundaries. However, you are where you are. It's very difficult and I would suggest trying counselling just the two of you. I also think her step dad needs to reflect on her parenting. I also suspect all is not well with you and your husband, but that's your decision to share or otherwise.

Guidance was given, if anything, I think I’ve been too strict and it’s pushed her to rebel. I am mortified, hence post

When and how were you too strict? That counters most of what you've said.

Your daughter is ungrateful. What you got her was way beyond what anyone I know got for their 16th birthdays. I think mine was a BBQ party in the garden with family and friend and a few small gifts.
Unfortunately it sounds like you’ve raised a bit of a brat OP, sorry.

Of course I have! Please re read through my posts. Oh honestly this is getting silly now lol no one’s marriage is perfect I’m sure we do have issues but we also do have a loving home and just try and do our best for our children. Yes we disagree on parenting styles sometimes, which I think gives a good balance overall.

It’s strange how some people think it was lavish/ too much and others say it was shitty and should have gotten things from the list

It's not that the hot tub, weekend away and other party stuff is shitty, it's that you spent money on something she didn't want and not on what she did want.

So you went to therapy with your daughter but got annoyed that she "kept on bringing up her dad" and think she uses him as an excuse. Wow. Wow. Just WOW. It actually seems that you went there for the therapist to tell your daughter she is a spoilt brat and side with you.

I am also shocked that you decide for your daughter the impact of having a step family. What about her feelings? You won't even leave space for her emotions in how she deals with her life.

Also, you massively over reacted to her teenage shenanigans and made the situation way worst with how you treated her.

Your poor poor daughter. The more I read your answers, the sadder I feel for her. Did you hate her father and take it out on her?

Maybe the best thing would be to send her to her grandparents as long as she gets a part time, studies and goes to therapy and then work on yourself/your relationship together slowly by going to therapy (as long as you leave your judgy pants at home) for as long as needed.

Then you need to have a firm sit down with them, make them realise all her bad behaviour and what path she is going down, and insist they stop!! They could save the money for her instead if they still want to give her something, but she needs to earn the treats. You need to nip this in the bud now as she sounds awful to be honest

She seemed to change behaviour wise around age 14. Hormones maybe? Up until then I was very strict, once the bad behaviour started, I kept the boundaries & rules, but tried to discuss things with her like staying out later etc as advised by the councillor and other workers we had help from and coming to a compromise, if she behaved well got more privileges, giving her more freedom etc that didn’t work either! She just pushes every boundary. Sneaking out the house. I give an inch she takes a mile no matter what.

I'm not trying to upset you, I'm trying to help. It's gone wrong somewhere and you're posting on here for advice. Just reflect on what you've shared. Maybe try to unpick some of the problems.

Was this about the time she met that boy? Is this when she started vaping?

I am an educated woman with life experiences do you honestly think with all this going on I haven’t sat her down and been firm explaining the consequences etc to her a million times?! Come on now!!

this is a perfect example.. so I’d tell her all about the dangers of vaping, show her articles of kids lungs being damaged etc etc then she went on a course provided by the council and they told her the dangers, just as I had done. She came back and reported this to me, I said yes I told you that, she said “yeah but I thought you were exaggerating to scare me” it’s like she doesn’t take a blind bit of notice of me. This still hasn’t stopped her either.

Oh my days, she's lucky that she got anything, ungrateful miss. I'd have gotten her a volunteer day at a homeless shelter or something. The entitlement!!