To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

Especially as now it's grades 1-9.
So maybe it's for a 5?

Yes and we have given her a lot of leeway because of this

@Mama1209 Yes she’s been discharged from CHALMs

And what was their assessment and what advice did they give you?

It’s strange how some people think it was lavish/ too much and others say it was shitty and should have gotten things from the list

Yes, it is. In my opinion, a lot of people seem to really spoil their kids on MN, especially kids that have behaved badly, but that's just my opinion.

Yes to all of the above

Thanks lots of hate and judgment your right

Nothing much, they just focused on her anxiety and strategies to cope with that. They were pretty useless tbh

Yes, op in typical punishment mode thinks her disturbed and obviously vulnerable 16 year old should get a job at McDonald's. The very same place in the news this week for sexual assaults and bullying of 16 year old girls in their UK workplaces across the country.

There's a lot of anger and punishment from mother towards daughter here.

@Mama1209 Nothing much, they just focused on her anxiety and strategies to cope with that.

So she's been diagnosed with anxiety? What treatment is she having for that?

And have you implemented those strategies ?

You're acknowledging that you've given her a lot of leeway. Sometimes parents think they're kind to do that, but they're not. Children need the security of firm boundaries. I've asked about your husband but you haven't replied. Does your daughter get on with him? Is this a happy marriage?

I did say no for a long time! Her boyfriends mum was the one who asked me in the end! Believe it or not!! They live out of town and it was a lot for us and them to be dropping off and picking up especially on weekends when we had our own plans. So the agreement was separate rooms and as she got closer to 16 it’s been a natural thing where they share a bed now. Had all the talks. She has the implant etc. would it be my ideal choice? Hell NO but I have tried my best to come to a mutual ground on as many issues as I can

Right. So she's sexually active as well. When did that start?

as she got closer to 16 it’s been a natural thing where they share a bed now

no comment

And without waving my dinosaur card around by saying “back in my day” that’s exactly what would have happened (the swift right hook out of nowhere, not the assault charge).

It was a pretty instantaneous consequence that let you know right quick that you had crossed a line.

Granted after a certain age this went both ways which I think helped establish the newly formed boundaries and autonomy for teens. More than one amongst me and my friends won independence and a new relationship after trading blows with our parents. Nobody was ever proud of this but it was effective.

But it’s a different time so I guess different rules apply.

Yes they get on. He’s a good mediator / voice of reason. If anything, I’d like him to be a bit more strict and back me up but he tends to verge on the side of giving her what she wants for an easy life

Giving a spoil brat a party and expensive items isn't do yourself any favours. You said you've scaled it back so she's used to you going ott. What you described was over kill I dread to think what you normally do. She's learnt to be as vile and awful at school and home calling you a fat cunt and telling you to go kill yourself and her behaviour gets rewards instead of punishments.

That's telling..."an easy life"

Yep! She’s the youngest in her year so she’s just turned 16 and her friends and boyfriend are nearly 17. I always told her to come to me if she was considering it and around age 15 I asked her if she wanted to go for a contraception talk at the GP which she did and ended up on the pill which caused a whole other argument as she forgot to take it so now she has the implant.

Is it? In what way?

Of course she has to deal with it. I’m sure that in any world, any scenario, with any choice, she’d rather have her dad. She might be close to her stepdad and siblings, but she still lost her dad. It’s a sad reality she has to deal with. You just expect her to have dealt with it? Losing a parent hurts forever, regardless of how good the present is.

anyway, I feel for you because she sounds like a nightmare, but not to go on and on about it - you spent a lot of money on stuff she didn’t ask for. I can understand why, in her 16 year old mind, it’s frustrating and upsetting that her list was ignored. Much bigger issues at play of course, and she’s lucky that you did put in time and effort. But I get where she’s coming from.

Breathing exercises etc but she hasn’t really mentioned being anxious for a good few months. It seemed to revolve more around school

Because it's very telling when any parent wants an easy life because they're prepared to compromise too easily and be permissive. Parenting is tough! However, a lot has gone wrong here and it's hard to unpick. Maybe your husband has been too lenient. Maybe you disagree on managing her behaviour. Maybe you argue and your daughter hears it.

Thanks for your replies. I agree re the list now. I think I should have either got nothing at all (couldn’t do that no matter how bad my kids were) or got a few things from the list. Lesson learned!

This lost for words
The bfs mum asked you to let your 15yr old stay over!

How old is the bf? Do they let her drink and vape in the house too?

Yes! No they don’t drink/ vape there. It was separate rooms until recently. Now she’s 16 it’s legal so I can’t really tell her what to do with her body