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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

524 replies

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 15:11

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 18:49

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2023 18:45

@Mama1209 yes a step-family may be a positive but they are things she has to cope with. My older two children have a step-dad, a step-sister abs two little sisters, so I know how it can impact abs thankfully my children's dad is still very much in the picture.
It's very positive you have counselling. Does your daughter have any in her own in a one to one environment so she can talk about her feelings?

I don’t see them as things to cope with tbh. That’s just modern family life. Most kids have siblings. Yes as I’ve said, she’s had counselling since her dad passed.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2023 18:51

@Mama1209 I think you think you are doing this, but it is very much not coming across from your posts.

That, of course, could be because of the medium.

Take for example the bad behavior and consequences of you punishing her by giving her a different but still expensive birthday than she wanted. What message were you trying to send?

Sammymommy · 22/07/2023 18:54

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 16:19

I didn’t think it was shite I thought she would like it and have a fun time celebrating with her friends and family :(

Show quote history

I have only made it this far, so apologies if it is discussed after but was it your birthday or hers? She can't have anything on her list because you deem it as shit and a waste. You had her a disco bouncy castle because you thought it would be fun for her. You got her a Pandora bracelet because you wanted her to have that kind of gift.

If the things on her list were too expensive, why did you not tell her before her birthday and gave her a budget and asked her to make a list again? And di you tell her to her face that you thought what she wanted was shit?

I started this thread thinking your daughter was a spoilt brat who needed some reality check but I think her behaviour is the symptom of a bigger problem, and your answers on this thread tell me your attitude might be part of the problem.

PrimalOwl10 · 22/07/2023 18:56

It's hard having a step family when your father has passed away op that's what people are getting at. Your a unit and she can't go and see her father. I take it your son was 6/7 when his df passed away, she was 9. Her behaviour has been awful that she's lost out on prom and instead of punishing her and grounding her, reducing what she's got for her birthday. You've thrown her a party, got her loads of gifts and she's still thrown it in your face. Your then trying to bribe her to do well in her gcses.

NoSunNoSun · 22/07/2023 18:58

Did you buy her anything from her list?

Moreorlessmentallystable · 22/07/2023 19:05

So, you have spoiled her for years and tolerate her behaviour, but you are surprised she is entitled and ungrateful? I honestly think this is the sort of thing that you teach your kids since they are children and not wait til they are teenagers.

Balloonhearts · 22/07/2023 19:05

Honestly this will get me flamed but a 16 year old swearing at me and calling me names would get nothing but a slapped backside and told to grow up.

ArcticSkewer · 22/07/2023 19:05

I know I keep saying about the counseling but it's like you really just don't want to get or engage with in any way ... the lasting effects of bereavement on your daughter ... and in fact on you as well. It's like you have this lovely family with a new dad and siblings for her and why is she being ungrateful, plus you are projecting onto her what you think she should want and do. You both have a lot of anger and grief flying round between each other.

I'd expect the family and individual counseling to be a long term ongoing thing throughout her teens into young adulthood not a 'six sessions and done' approach.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 22/07/2023 19:05

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 15:35

I wouldn’t call keepsake jewellery shit tbh but ok!

It isn't shit if that's what you want

You should have got her something off her list.

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 22/07/2023 19:06

@Mama1209 The therapist would be talking about one thing, then she would reply about something completely different like “oh well my mum checks my phone” or “well my mum won’t let me have my boyfriend sleep” deflecting maybe? I don’t know!

She sounds like a deflector +++

Did you discuss this with the therapist?

Have you seen the GP about a referral to Children and young people's mental health services (CYPMHS) ?
She certainly needs the input of a Child Pyschologist to help her process her grief.

There is also the issue of the effect of her behaviour on her siblings, she's already caused a holiday to be cut short.
If she becomes too disruptive then she could be taken into care on the grounds of Family Dysfunction/Family Members in Acute Stress, or you can't control her behaviour which seems the case here.

Maireas · 22/07/2023 19:09

I think there are other problems as well.
Lots of children lose a parent, sadly. I teach a few. None of them are like this. I teach a brother and sister who lost their mum suddenly, when they were aged 9 and 6 respectively. Their dad is fantastic. They are lovely, hard working teenagers who have no behaviour problems.
What's going on with your husband, her step dad?

Sammymommy · 22/07/2023 19:09

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/07/2023 16:35

Exactly!

You left out “and now I’m going to call you ungrateful for not appreciating my efforts”

Show quote history

Totally! It comes across as quite self centered to be honest.

Then gaslighting people into calling her daughter a horrible spoilt brat and making herself look like a poor victim of a daughter who can't appreciate all the efforts.

Btw, your daughter's behaviour is past acting like a shitty teenager, she is acting out her pain, she needs help.

NewNovember · 22/07/2023 19:15

Pandora is dated and overpriced you would have been better with Tiffany but only if was in her list. The provisional pointless for a year she didn't need one for private land. I can see why she was disappointed tbh you bought what you wanted not within your budget what she actually wanted.

Maireas · 22/07/2023 19:16

Tiffany is very overpriced. You pay for the blue boxes.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 22/07/2023 19:19

Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 16:54

I tried grounding her for a month when I found the vapes. It was the most miserable month of all of our lives! The. Tried short sharp punishments, taking phone and grounding for 1-2 days. Made a behaviour contract. Tried rewards. Tried counselling which she’s had since primary, tried family counselling. Had several meetings with school & grandparents. Referred myself to the local council for early help who were amazing! We did joint sessions and she did sessions on her own one of which was a 6 week intense group course discussing the dangers of vaping amongst other things. Have given her numbers to call to talk about her feelings incase she felt she couldn’t open up to us. Have had days out just us spending quality time. Have had her to GP several times to check iron levels etc as always grumpy/ tired. Have pushed school to test for SEN needs, she did get diagnosed with dyslexia in her final year but no sign of anything else. Have broken down and cried to her. Have hugged her and told her how much I love her. Have done charity events with her in memory of her dad. Every day I show up and do my best even after her calling me a fat cunt and telling me to kill myself. I read in a parenting book recently that even after trying all these things, if your teen doesn’t conform to authority, there’s nothing you can do but wait it out. This is the stage I’m at now. Just trying my best and hoping my little girl will come back to me!

Show quote history

Wow, your more restrained than me. If one of my kids ever called me. A fat cunt and to kill myself I would be arrested for assault.

NewNovember · 22/07/2023 19:19

Maireas · 22/07/2023 19:16

Tiffany is very overpriced. You pay for the blue boxes.

Yes but it's more popular with teens.

supersonicginandtonic · 22/07/2023 19:20

@Mama1209 any changes in a family are things to cope with. It's modern life yes but everything affects people in different ways. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean everybody feels that way.

Jl2014 · 22/07/2023 19:24

£50 for a C!!!!! Come on. Ridiculous.

JudgeJ · 22/07/2023 19:25

LadyKX · 22/07/2023 15:45

Quite frankly, after her birthday behaviour / treatment of you I’d be taking it all back.

Exactly, she deserves nothing. Tell the grandparents how horrible she is to you, no doubt she's a little angel with them, and ask them to stop paying for so much or she can go to live with them!

ArcticSkewer · 22/07/2023 19:25

Maireas · 22/07/2023 19:09

I think there are other problems as well.
Lots of children lose a parent, sadly. I teach a few. None of them are like this. I teach a brother and sister who lost their mum suddenly, when they were aged 9 and 6 respectively. Their dad is fantastic. They are lovely, hard working teenagers who have no behaviour problems.
What's going on with your husband, her step dad?

I'm sorry to say I did also wonder that. But there are many other things that could have happened to her between 9 and 16 as well to cause this level of acting out. There's also literally the loss of a parent in pre-teen years. Sadly that alone can be linked to severe depression and anger/aggression.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 19:28

PrimalOwl10 · 22/07/2023 18:56

It's hard having a step family when your father has passed away op that's what people are getting at. Your a unit and she can't go and see her father. I take it your son was 6/7 when his df passed away, she was 9. Her behaviour has been awful that she's lost out on prom and instead of punishing her and grounding her, reducing what she's got for her birthday. You've thrown her a party, got her loads of gifts and she's still thrown it in your face. Your then trying to bribe her to do well in her gcses.

I have reduced what she got that’s why she’s upset. Yes I tried to give a monetary incentive towards doing well in her GCSEs to make her work towards something, not just handing it out

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/07/2023 19:29

I thought I was scaling back by not getting the things on the list expensive new phone etc

Well if my child acted that way, they'd have got a £50 (at most) gift and a McDonald's. The hot tub/bouncy castle thing is the sort of thing you do for someone that's really being celebrated.

Everyone's standards are different in terms of how much to give, but I think most would agree she's been lavished here.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 19:31

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 22/07/2023 19:06

@Mama1209 The therapist would be talking about one thing, then she would reply about something completely different like “oh well my mum checks my phone” or “well my mum won’t let me have my boyfriend sleep” deflecting maybe? I don’t know!

She sounds like a deflector +++

Did you discuss this with the therapist?

Have you seen the GP about a referral to Children and young people's mental health services (CYPMHS) ?
She certainly needs the input of a Child Pyschologist to help her process her grief.

There is also the issue of the effect of her behaviour on her siblings, she's already caused a holiday to be cut short.
If she becomes too disruptive then she could be taken into care on the grounds of Family Dysfunction/Family Members in Acute Stress, or you can't control her behaviour which seems the case here.

Yes she’s been discharged from CHALMs

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 22/07/2023 19:31

aSofaNearYou · 22/07/2023 19:29

I thought I was scaling back by not getting the things on the list expensive new phone etc

Well if my child acted that way, they'd have got a £50 (at most) gift and a McDonald's. The hot tub/bouncy castle thing is the sort of thing you do for someone that's really being celebrated.

Everyone's standards are different in terms of how much to give, but I think most would agree she's been lavished here.

It’s strange how some people think it was lavish/ too much and others say it was shitty and should have gotten things from the list

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 22/07/2023 19:32

I would definitely not call her lavished. There's a lot of gaslighting from the mother towards the daughter, and open hostility from the daughter towards the mother. Who knows which came first and if it's all linked to repressed grief on both sides.