To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

So what is the plan for her post 16?
what does she like? The school sounds hideous by the way. Not picked up an sen until she yr 11, no support in place and a load of rich kids to compete with. No wonder she’s acting out. The alternative is to be so quiet you’re barely noticed but it sounds like she’s in fight or flight.
think I’d be quite pleased that set of friends are distant.

what’s the local post 16 colleges like? She sounds like she likes fashion, hair and beauty? Is that an option?

yes she sounds ungrateful after you’ve tried hard bit I would be wondering about the friend influence there as well. A lot of dc at some point have been hideously ungrateful. Leave them to it. It’s passed now. Focus on what she would look forward to that she can do herself and enjoy.

Yes she gets on well with step sister, the abuse is more towards me, my mum and my son. Although she does have her moments with grandparents and teachers too.

yes I don’t make a big deal of vaping now and yes it’s part of the pattern of bad behaviour but I pick and choose my battles now. Not sure how that’s contradictory?

She has got a place at college studying law & criminology (pending GCSE results) I agree re friends. It’s like she acted out to fit in.

Basically yes! I didn’t want to waste my money on the things she asked for as wanted to get her something to keep. It has backfired. Should have stuck to the list! I get it

Sadly, the death of a parent can have lifelong impacts and often these impacts present in very challenging ways. It's not an excuse, it's how it is. She's then had to deal with a stepfather, a stepsister, and now a new sister.

I'm not surprised you are also harbouring anger towards your partner who died. Perhaps your daughter does too. Perhaps you also project that onto her, as she does on you. I'd strongly recommend ongoing counselling for you as a family, for her, and for you individually.

You talk about your daughter getting a job - is she aware that she's supposed to be in education or training till she is 18? Does she have a college place?

This. All day. I was a pretty perfect 16 year old. Got 11 GCSEs B or above and got absolutely nothing for them, not would I expect it. She sounds so incredibly entitled. Sorry, but you are an absolute mug for not only putting up with her behaviour but actually REWARDING it which actually enables it and is showing its acceptable. She needs a kick up the arse.

OP has just said she's got a college place studying Criminology and Law.

She sounds awful! What a horrible spoilt way to behave. Not the norm where I am.
I think she’s going to have her eyes opened when she finally stands on her own two feet.
tell her if she wants those lavish things she needs to get a job

I'd be taking her to.look at college courses. She still has time if you do it quickly.

But you sound as though it is you who has provided all the unnecessary party stuff, and that you sound proud of it. Hmmm.

I call windup actually on the whole thread, the boo boo with the driving licence was enough. Have a great summer holiday though OP, but do try to find something more fulfilling to do with your time than posting on a site for old people on a wet Saturday afternoon.

She sounds like a spoilt rude ungrateful brat.

I think a step parent & siblings who love and care for her are a positive thing, not something to “deal with”

yes we are proactive with this and we all do have counselling - thanks

Wow ok! I thought this was a safe place to come for advice/ support. I wish you a good summer holiday too! If you don’t have anything nice/ supportive to say, maybe don’t come on this “site for old people”

I think you've done too much for her. I'm unsurprised that she wasn't grateful as she didn't get what she wanted and sounds spoilt, but I think going all out with the hot tub and disco etc has sent a mixed message because although it's not what you wanted, you've still spoilt her, when scaling back would have been more appropriate due to her behaviour.

What do you mean? She’s got a place at college pending GCSE results

A site for old people 🤣

Ignore op. People don't understand bad mental health if have never lived it.

I thought I was scaling back by not getting the things on the list expensive new phone etc

There’s some weird & wonderful replies on here that’s for sure! Are they saying I’ve made the whole thing up? Lmao I wish I was!! I honestly just wanted impartial advice

We finally got there! @Mama1209 It does sound like you have your hands full with your daughter. Whatever the cause or reason. Outside of the birthday thing It also appears that you’ve done a lot to support her over the years. I don’t think sanctions are going to be particularly effective with her at this point so I’d suggest a different approach.

Clear expectations- whatever they are. For example-

Get a job and keep a job. She has to employed part time. Don’t make demands of her earnings.

Be in some type of school- whatever form that is. Her choice. But she’s enrolled and engaged.

She’s responsible for her own basic tasks around the house… her own laundry and room.

If she doesn’t do those basic things she’s free to live with her grandparents if they’ll have her or she’s finding somewhere else to live.

If she’s a nightmare behavior wise she doesn’t participate in family life.

Then start pulling back on ‘active’ parenting. I always thought that by around 16 the parent child dynamic needs to start shifting from active to more of a guidance role. It does tend to work with kids who are actively rebelling. It’s pretty hard to blame mum when they choose their job and what they spend their money on and they choose their education path and how/when/what they study.

But this means that you need to do the same… If she asks for something for her birthday (if reasonable) then you need to respect that and not do your own thing. If she chooses something to study, you support her decision (by all means give advice and guidance) When she finds a job, you don’t criticize what she spends her money on.

Parenting mental health is a good facebook group. Lots of advice and experience.
Don't get the hate and judgement you do on here.

Not scaling back in my book!

I have DDs, I didn't buy or do a tenth of what you have done for your DD and it's scaling back?!

What on earth is going to happen on her 18th, 21st and so on ... can't get my head round it!

I wouldn’t have bought her anything to be frank

@Mama1209 yes a step-family may be a positive but they are things she has to cope with. My older two children have a step-dad, a step-sister abs two little sisters, so I know how it can impact abs thankfully my children's dad is still very much in the picture.
It's very positive you have counselling. Does your daughter have any in her own in a one to one environment so she can talk about her feelings?

Thanks, this is what I’m doing, trying to guide and advise not dictate. She spends most time at boyfriends/ grandparents anyway. Even they are fed up with her behaviour. She was upset yesterday as boyfriends mum was annoyed at wasted food being left in his room.