To think teenager should be grateful for birthday party and gifts?

[Mama1209]

My 16yr old daughter is sulking, moody and crying after I didn’t get her anything from her (extensive) birthday list! On the list was a new iPhone and designer clothes & makeup which added up-to around £2k. She has been awfully behaved for the last few years in general. School day she may end up NEET - not in education or employment. She wasn’t allowed to go to prom due to poor behaviour/ performance at school. Vapes, drinks, is rude and abusive to myself & her siblings, doesn’t work or do any jobs around the house, the list goes on! We have tried everything including family counselling. Nothing works! She is so entitled -think Paris Hilton. Demanding £400+ for hair extensions, then nails, lashes etc every month which her grandparents pay for! Her dad passed away when she was 9, so his parents tend to try and make up for that. She plays Us off against each other. Anyway.. she expected a full on sweet 16th like she’s seen on TV in America. I got her a Pandora bracelet, charm & earnings, provisional driving licence and have said I’ll pay for all her lessons and test and give her £50 for each C or above she gets at GCSE. I’ve also got money which I’ve been saving since she was a baby, ready to buy her a car. I’ve hired a hot tub, glamping tent & disco bouncy castle for the weekend, she’s had her boyfriend sleep over in it as well as a special cake, Mac Donald’s & sweet deliveries (most of which got wasted) but she’s moped about all weekend. She said her friends got designer coats etc and when she told them what she got they said “that’s a bit shit” and was crying telling me this. She’s also got about £200-300 cash of family members so far! I did pre warn her that if her behaviour continued I wouldn’t be getting her any birthday presents but she still confined to swear at me and call me names. We also took her away for the weekend last weekend, we had to cut the trip short due to her behaviour, fighting with her brother and calling me names. AIBU not getting her more gifts? Or expecting her to be grateful for what she DID get?!

The OP isn’t giving her an allowance… she should be washing her own clothes by this point… And the cancelled phone contract would probably be more of a punishment for the OP.

I’m guessing the grandparents would have replaced the phone.

I would be absolutely straight with the grandparents saying that you're enabling her to get alcohol and drugs by spoiling her like this. Your son wouldn't have wanted this for his daughter. If they continue tell them you will be going NC,

I know times have changed, but when I was sixteen all I was given on that birthday was a cassette player, which my parents could hardly afford. I did appreciate it though. I had a Saturday job to buy extra stuff.

she will grow out of it eventually. She shouldn’t be swearing at you though. I was a horrible teenager and awful to my parents but grew into reasonable adult! So yes, hang in there. I also had a horrible teen who is ok now

How did the family counselling go? With a step father, step sister and new baby sister as well there must be a lot going on there for her to deal with. She sounds hugely unhappy. Did you all go to the family counselling?

Before the bad behaviour on the trip, I did agree to the new phone. I said “I’ll try and get it on contract” then the list was sent and I said oh is this instead of the phone? She said no your not paying for the phone your getting it on contract. I explained I still have to pay the contract each month! Then the behaviour on trip was so bad even after warnings of no gifts etc so that’s when I decided small keep sake and no gifts from list.

Why wouldn't they take it back?

@Mama1209 I did ground her and take her phone but she had forgotten all about it by the time she got back from school!

Did she actually forget, did she lie or does she have problems with memory? - (for whatever reason).

Did you make it clear why she was being grounded, why her 'phone was removed and what she had to do to return to the status quo - including an apology?

@saltinesandcoffeecups And the cancelled phone contract would probably be more of a punishment for the OP.

Why?

Yes, have had it as a family, then just us 2, then with grandparents etc we don’t seem to get anywhere. It’s like she doesn’t see the world as other people see it! The therapist would be talking about one thing, then she would reply about something completely different like “oh well my mum checks my phone” or “well my mum won’t let me have my boyfriend sleep” deflecting maybe? I don’t know! She also brings everything back to her dad dying which is understandable, but how long do you let her use this as an excuse? I also feel very conflicted about his passing, very angry he left me to deal with all this on my own for a start!

Couple of things stand out here, that maybe also have an impact.

You mention your DD has been diagnosed with dyslexia in the last year; that is very late in the school cycle. Being dyslexic has a huge impact on the child's self esteem, especially if they're struggling at school. Has she been getting additional support with her schooling?

Also, you mentioned your stepdaughter. Are you remarried? So your DD has step siblings in the mix? It sounds like she has an awful lot to deal with.

Tbh, vaping isn't the thing I'd be fighting over here. Not ideal, yes, but not the end of the world.

So you got her the bracelet rather than things she asked for as a punishment but you think she should be grateful?

Dyslexic children often have memory problems.... my DS does.

She sounds like a spoiled princess. I'd be having a strong word with the grandparents who enable her poor behaviour. I'd tell them school banned her from Prom for poor behaviour and it does her no favours to undermine them. It's telling she didn't want to invite her friends around for her pampering birthday. Does she actually have many good friends or just more acquaintances in her school year?

Where I live you phone contracts have very high cancellation costs. Then, presumably in a relatively short time the daughter becomes ’good’ again so would need to reinstate the contract. Or the OP doesn’t have a way to get in touch with daughter who is out and about.

Assuming the punishment was temporary

Yes only in her last year, yes I’m aware of that and don’t think the school took that into account when they banned her from the prom either. Have discussed this with daughter & school.

yes re married as are a huge % of the world, I don’t see how this is a lot to deal with? She loves her step sister. They get on amazingly. I’ve been with her step dad for 10 years and he’s very close to her. She even asked to add his surname to hers.

I don’t argue with her about vapes. I did when she was 14, now we have a mutual agreement where I ask she doesn’t bring the vapes into the house/ around the younger children.

Yes we do take the phone. I even bought her a cheap one with no internet to take to school for emergency as she walked she hated that lol

she said her friends have been distant since leaving school

My mum died when I was eleven, @Mama1209 . When I finally had counselling about it some 30 years later, the counsellor told me that at that age, you simply do not have the coping skills to cope with it and manage the grief. You certainly don’t aged nine as your daughter was. She could be acting out because she doesn’t know how else to manage her feelings. Maybe I’m wrong… but it’s worth thinking about 💐

They're fed up with her too I suspect.

To be honest, the birthday is the least of your problems. What’s done is done. Let her feel how she feels and don’t react to it.

There’s nothing wrong with spoiling children who are well behaved and performing at school. Your immediate problem is your in-laws. She may respond to financial consequences. I’m sure you’ve tried, but can you talk to them again and get them to spend the bulk on her as a reward? For example, if she has to resit, no nails unless she goes to tuition and has good feedback each session. I do agree with pp that this money could really be better spent given her age. Similarly, do not buy her a car unless her behaviour improves. If you don’t mention it, that could be a very impactful reward rather than a birthday present.

Do you think that you are perhaps a bit too reactive to her moods? What happened when she was grounded for the month? Could it be possible that she knew it wouldn’t happen again if she made it just as unpleasant for you? Sometimes the consequence itself is fine but has to be applied consistently many many times before the behaviour changes. Similarly, if her behaviour is bad, don’t take her on trips. Essentially, you had to punish you and your son because of her.

You’re starting to contradict yourself.

She gets on amazingly with her step sister but is abusive?

The vaping isn’t a big deal, but it’s part of the pattern of bad behavior?

Buy a cheap 'phone like a Doro and put £10 on it each week for her. If she needs more credit she can top it up herself.

Emergency calls are free from all mobiles if she has a serious problem.

Or the OP doesn’t have a way to get in touch with daughter who is out and about.

You think that stroppy teens don't turn their 'phones off and become conveniently unavailable when it suits them ?!

Tell her she'll get a better 'phone if/when she behaves better.

Pay as you go phone. In future

She sounds really spoilt and ungrateful. For his 16th my son got a new guitar (expensive but he had practised till his fingers blister and is taking grade 8) and £200 for an escape room and meal out with his mates - and he was thrilled with that. Plus he’s a good kid, works hard at school, has a part time job.
I can understand her grandparents trying to compensate for the loss of her father but it sounds like it’s back firing. Would they put money away for her instead? If she is NEET she needs to be getting a crappy job to fund her extravagant lifestyle for a few years then she will soon realise she needs to knuckle down and get some sort of qualifications for her future.

The boyfriend thing stands out, for example, it sounds like you said no initially and then allowed it when she complained. There needs to be consistency.

Not meaning to attack you OP because it sounds like you’re really doing your best in a horrible situation.