To feel like I hate her

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

Hi OP

I have been in exactly the same position with DD. She’s 17 now and we have just had her Autism diagnosis via CAMHS, and through that she has a consultant psychiatrist, who also thinks she might have ADHD so we are going through the tests for that.

She missed all of Y10, all of Y11 (did go in for exams and managed to get 5), she has missed the first year at college, and we are “fingers crossed” for this September.

I went through all the feelings you are having .. rage, anger, despair. How could my child just refuse to go?, why were the punishments not making her go? We were also dealing with quite violent “meltdowns” … I can’t tell you how unhealthy this household was.

So I decided to change his I felt about it … I made a list of the things I could do, instead of worrying about things I could not change. I could not force my child to go to school, regardless of how much I tried (and shouted and cried) so I stopped doing it. Took all the pressure away. This is not her one and only chance to get qualifications, you can study at any point in you life, what was important was her mental health.

My focus became getting her what are needed … I have had complaints into PALS, The Mental Health Trust, The Council - one thing I would say is to get good at complaining. You are your daughters greatest advocate. I found the best thing I ever said to my daughter was “I’m on your side”

Keep her on the school role … tell them, and the council, you are more than happy to go to court and list all the times you have asked for support - trust me they will change thier tune.

SS will give you nothing, she’s not at any risk.

Please take the pressure off yourself to get her into school, there are teams of professionals who’s job this is, your job is to be her mum .. that calm, steady and solid place in her life.

It sounds stupid but if she was an only child I dontdon't think I'd be stressing so much. Her almost 10 year old sister obviously sees and hears everything and I'm just hoping and hoping that she doesn't start copying if she starts to think hey I wont go either! I think that's why I'm really trying to get the eldest to attend.

Exactly this. As soon as we stopped the pressure things improved. Mines just 17. I’m enjoying being with her. We go on little trips, paint together, do crafty stuff. I adore her, she’s fun and hilarious.

We applied for an EHCP. We got refusal to even assess. So we went to mediation. I asked the silly cow from the council why they were going to send my daughter back into a situation which will cause her to self harm. ( we had 2 pieces of evidence supporting this) and they said ‘inclusion will do something, she won’t have to go back there’ Didn’t believe her of course.

Then we got a phone call from inclusion team for a big meeting in Sept. Meanwhile EHCP has gone to tribunal. Apply and go to mediation. You have a chance to talk to the LEA then.

Although l did threaten her saying if my dd went back into school and self harmed l would hold the council responsible!

Step back and let your daughter be. Save your energy and fury for the battles with officialdom. Once you let go of the anger and stress, you will see her as an unwell child who you love desperately. Get her better. Education will happen when it’s ready. You will ultimately get an EHCp, but it will take time.

You cannot make her go to school … please take that pressure off yourself.

Sorry but this is terrible advice.

'Silly cow' 🙄

OP listen to what you're saying about your child!

😲do you have experience of an EBSA child?

I'm sorry but I'm not surprised they're not listening, when you look at the language you use around your child. How can you advocate for a child who you yourself question??

And l think I’m entitled to call the person who refused me assessment for an EHCP for a self harming, ASd EBSA child what ever l want .

Stupid bastard perhaps?

Professionally, many.

Not sure how that's relevant.

Just because you have one doesnt make your advice any less unhelpful.

I wasn't questioning it when I was talking to them. Now being met with silence has made me think they don't believe us. When professionals won't help you start to believe there must not be anything we need help with.

The last sentence of the CAMHS assessment which said she didn't meet criteria in May said treat her as if she's autistic but we won't assess!

But you don’t have the emotional connection. Maybe you were the person from our LEA?

I was a teacher for 26 years. EBSA’s in secondary don’t suddenly skip back in. I was basing what l said in advice from a senior pyschologist dealing with ASD, my GP and a pyschiatrist.

Yoh obviously know better🤣

Get your pointy elbows out

There were points when I was mailing CAMHS every week “when is the appointment, it’s been X weeks” and don’t take what they say as gospel, if you don’t agree to back . I found dealing with the Mental Health trust got me further than dealing with local CAMHS.

Services are incredibly difficult even with diagnosed children. We know this. And I appreciate you're saying things here out of frustration and upset. And I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you but I think you've been given some.terrible advice on this thread.

Anxiety, autism, all of the things at play here present differently for everyone. Mix in teenage speech and it is going to be hit and miss.

The first thing you need to do is believe your daughter, dont question her anxiety. Separate all of the issues that you have. Dont worry about the impact on her sister, that's more stress you are creating for yourself. But, and I mean this kindly, the vast majority of your posts are all about you.
It really does sound as if you are ar the end of your tether and I'm sorry for that but you need to advocate for your child.

Remove her phone, her tv , her tablets and laptops. Hide the tv remote. If she is not in school she can read, do school work or state at the 4 walls.

@WildUnchartedWaters please do share how you would deal with severe autistic burnout and co presenting severe anxiety? Force her back in? But she self harmed then you see.

So I’m eager for your top tips.

You're making up lots of things about me.

Who said I dont have an emotional connection? Who said I know better?

I also didnt say anything about them skipping back in. I said your advice was bad. It was. Sorry if that's too much for your ego.

I think it's you with your 'silly cow' who thinks they're above everyone else. I hope you werent as misogynistic and judgemental when you were teaching.

Twice now you've implied I would force a child back in.
Two lies in 2 minutes.

Your name 👏

Yeah, l was like that all the time. Oc. That’s why l got some of the best results in the country.

School won't provide work for her to do at home I've asked several times
If I take away her tv she is downstairs constantly telling me I'm an awful mum, that her life is shit and that she'll kill herself.

Did you aye.

But the situation here is no self harming, no sen seen by mum or school, not anxiety as seen by trip and sports day. Seems more like no boundaries. Op says she's tried no Internet, send to dad's etc but then the daughter laughs all day at YouTube and isn't now living with dad, so no follow through. Early help seems the appropriate liason here tbh.

It sounds as if school have de registered her.