To feel like I hate her

[Notfeelinghunkydory]

Had an absolute nightmare year. Eldest started Y7 in September and since then we have been dealing with school avoidance due to anxiety. Her attendance ended on 64% with half of that at school but not in lessons. She admitted tonight the past couple of weeks off was because she didn't want to walk to school!!! It's a 20 minute walk! I have been so stressed out and had my antidepressants upped in February when I was signed off with stress due to her school avoidance. I have been signed off again. I'm suffering the physical signs of stress and feel numb all the time. Saw the education officer twice in all that time. Pastoral staff at school have been as helpful as they can be. She's having CBT through mind but has only had a couple of sessions. I have begged Social Services for help as I'm having a nervous breakdown. I feel like I hate her and just looking at her is difficult after everything she has put me through. I don't know how I can get through the holidays but I have my younger child to think of. I dont want to do anythingwith her. I'm dreading September already as I know its all going to happen again.

Read about EBSA - emotionally based school avoidance - it’s a significant issue for girls of your DD’s age. Your school welfare officer should be aware of it. Contact the local authority or NHS schools‘ mental health team and see if they offer any provision to deal with it. At the school I’m at we have around 8 girls in the same situation and from September we’re running a pilot project giving them separate small group provision, along with a therapeutic element. We’re fortunate to have convinced the LA this is a vital step to getting these kids back to school and to become happy and successful.
Sometimes the EBSA is not down to the child but the parent wanting to keep them at home for whatever reason. I’m wondering if your daughter sees that you don’t have to go to work as you are anxious, and thinks she can do the same.
it’s a very difficult situation as a parent but remember you are the parent and she is just a child and probably doesn’t understand what’s going on in her head.
You may also need to look at other schools with better SEN or SEMH (social emotional mental health) support. Where do you live?

I know about EBSA. Honestly I have exhausted all avenues told everyone what I think the issues are and no ones interested which has led to all this. In response to me being signed off. I cannot physically go to work im like a bloody zombie!

This is very sad reading. You are trying so hard and you deserve to be supported. No-one should have to parent alone and I am sorry that you are having to.

I can relate to some of what you're saying as both my children have/have had big issues with anxiety, and at times I have felt hugely frustrated with them. But. That's my problem. My role is to support them, not to burden them with my problems.

I suspect that your daughter's anxiety is being compounded by your very clear frustration with her.

Here's the thing. Anxiety isn't a choice. You need to accept that else you really will drive yourself crazy. And once you accept it, that'll remove a big frustration for you, the idea that she is doing this deliberately.

You cannot punish or shame anxiety out of someone. That is very old-fashioned and harmful thinking.

My children have both been supported by child mental health services (with CBT) and by counselling services. One is doing much better down and is very mature about looking after her physical wellbeing and asking for help when she is struggling.

The other expresses their anxiety with anger and rudeness. It can be incredibly difficult. But here's the thing, ultimately I want them alive. Nothing matters more. I have stopped caring about attendance or results or any of that stuff. Every day is a standalone with some goals for moments of contentment.

I think so long as you take a combative approach with your daughter that you are both going to continue to suffer. You need to find a way to cope with your very strong feelings that does not impede her.

Let go of school marks. Imagine she was extremely unwell with a physical illness and what you would do to have her stay alive. I've been to two children's funerals this month and I don't wish the parents' grief upon anyone.

You can’t go to work as you feel like a zombie. I should imagine your dd feels much the same and can’t define exactly why, so comes out with all these “excuses”. Anxiety is a bugger.

As a pp said try to separate your feelings about her, away from her behaviour.
use the summer to reconnect by love bombing her and faking it til you make it.

Oh OP, I hear you.
Have been through very similar when our DD was at high school.
It turned out to be Autism with Pathological demand avoidance. (PDA). The fight to get her assessed was unbelievably difficult and in the end, help came from the GP rather than the school. Knowing what we were dealing with and having a diagnosis changed everything.
Your DD isn't doing this to wind you up, even though it may feel that way. It's the system and the threats from the LEA that are piling additional stress on to you, and it's a national scandal that needs to stop.
FWIW, with appropriate changes our DD flourished and now has 2 degrees and a very well paid career, but until she was diagnosed and properly supported we would never have imagined this.
My advice would be to go to your GP and tell them how bad things are for you both. Involve social services and ask for their advice, ask for a meeting with the school governors and ask them what they would do in your situation, ask for an ASD assessment directly and document everything. Oh and her father needs to grow the fuck up.
No amount of talking therapy will "cure" ASD or PDA, they fob you off with this because it's cheaper in the short term than completing proper assessments.
There is a charity (Caudwell children) that gave us good advice.
Good luck.

Sorry if this has been mentioned but look at EBSA emotional based school avoidance. And the not fine in school links above. Your daughter needs help but unfortunately the system is failing both her and you. I'm dealing with the same. Camhs can only prescribe but unless suicidal or harming others they can't help due to waiting lists.

School can really on help if she is in there engaged with the help offered. And yet again that is shit.

U say no to home schooling but it is not the same as school. No actual requirement to sit any exams etc. Go on the HEFA pages on Facebook.

I took my daughter out this year to Home Educate. She has had time to de stress and regulate her emotions and is now returning to school albeit a different one in September.

I don't think your daughter is lying about walking. It's just a symptom of other issues. At her age it may seem like lying to you but it's often hard for them to articulate exactly what they are feeling. The human brain/emotions don't fully develop till 25yrs old. And even as an adult I'm sure you often can't say truly how you feel or be able to convey it to others.

Basically school can't help. Or Dr or even social work and that it truly the shit show of this country at the moment. But you are her only help. And yes thats bloody exhausting and mentally hard on you. And I go through it every day too. But you have to support her. No one else will. Please think about pulling her out of the environment of school and the pressure. It doesn't mean she will fail or not get jobs etc. So please research Elective Home Education. No one can can carry on in the situation you are in.

Sending all my support as its not easy.

Oh, come on! How awful to castigate the OP, who has been dealing with this for years as well as supporting the household and her other kids. Her load is 1000x the daughter's.

Frankly I'd feel resentment and disgust, too.

Well, I'd pull the plug on the phone & WiFi.

I've tried the removing phone and TV previously. Makes no difference.

Here's the things that help my school avoider.
I walk him in or drop him off so he doesn't have the dread build up walking by himself - he builds it up in his head otherwise.
Goes in early and sits in form room with ear buds in watching stuff on his phone.

Lunch he has quiet area he can go and sit and again he watches things on his phone or sketches.
He knows not going isn't a option as I work (even if I'm home I pretend I'm not going to be)

No wonder the poor child is struggling, you come across like you utterly despise her.
Stop being so selfishly “woe is me”, think about what she must be going through and be a parent ffs!

We also changed up routine. So we would get up earlier and go to coffee shop or cafe for breakfast or even just a drink before school. We also started counch to 5k in mornings as something different

This is not helpful.

Nothing to add but I think your resilience deserves a medal.

It's right tthough.

Its crystal clear you resent her. She is allowed to laugh.

A lot more helpful than “oh poor you”. The poor kid probably knows her another hates her and that’s why she’s struggling.

This is about the third time you have questioned whether she has anxiety.

OP, I'm sorry to read your posts and you do seen ar the end of your tether but if you want things to change you need to reframe the language around your child. I appreciate they're not much cop at the moment but when they do step in, how do you expect professionals to advocate for your child when you arent?

Well you shouldn't have done. It's terrible advice.

I have advocated for her for months. No one listened or said there are no medical/SEN issues so you can see why I'm so frustrated and upset. I've been banging my head against alot of brick walls all year to be met with silence and its exhausting.

The thing with anxiety is that it's unpredictable from one situation to the next. Some days you can cope, others it's debilitating. Is she having panic attacks, agoraphobic?
Could she be anxious about a teacher or teachers or a group of children.
Children don't always admit this when asked, I definitely didn't & it was a specific teacher & an older girl, I made up all sorts of reasons I couldn't go to school. My dad eventually worked out about the teacher & the older girl left school, I never said anything until years later,
What is she like away from school, does she go out with friends, spend lots of time on social media.? Does she appear anxious at home or is it just school?
Could you ask one of her friends mum's if they have any idea what is at the root of this anxiety if you don't feel you could ask the friend directly. Not an ideal option but if it'll help your daughter.

Request an EHCNA. An EHCP can help, including therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise receive and without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists. If school is inappropriate it can also include education otherwise that at school (EOTAS).

Separately to the EHCP process, the LA should have been providing provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 to ensure DD receives a suitable full-time education. If this remain the same at the beginning of next year email the Director of Children’s Services informing them of the situation and requesting provision. If that doesn’t work post on the SEN or SN boards and you will get advice on how to enforce provision.

I felt like this at first. I was seething. Couldn’t look at my daughter. She refused to go from March this year. She’s in 6th form. She does have ASD.

4 months later, she is improving, from being at home. She had ASd burnout. She wanted to go to school but couldn’t handle the anxiety. We’re fighting for an EHCp. It’s souls destroying at first, the stress in unbearable.

But actually her mental health is more important than school. She’s not doing it to be difficult or awkward. School need to involve EBSA team.

I gave up on CAMHS ( don’t get me started) and took her to see a private pyschiatrist. Talking therapies did nothing. She’s now perking up a bit on fluoxetine and we have a meeting with inclusion in September. She self harmed because of school, so she’s not going back there. My Mp has intervened with our shit LEA.

Unfirtunately though the stress in just horrendous, she needs low demand care and love. ASd girls are often misdiagnosed with anxiety as the first presenting symptom. I’m really sorry for you. It’s so hard.

It won’t always be like this x

*Notfeelinghunkydory · Today 00:00

She knows she can talk to me about anything. We are very open books and no subject is off limits. She hS no reason to lie to me and I believe her that these last 2 weeks she couldn't be arsed. What confuses me is a few weeks ago she attended 2 days on the trot. One was a school trip to the coast for geography and the other sports day which she didn't participate in but watched with her mates who are all in her classes. 2 days that if she was super anxious would be the 2 days she would avoid??? She walked both days no issue*

But neither of these things were in school……. That’s why she could face it.

No the consensus is to apply for the EHCP. They have to assess once you apply for one. They can't ignore you then. And what an EHCP will potentially get for her is a quieter setting where she can cope and access an education

They don’t HAVE to assess. We got refusal to asses even though my dd was a self harming EBSA. Currently waiting for tribunal.