My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

She's 15 and she doesn't want another sibling. I wouldn't wanted baby siblings when I was 14-15 either, to be honest. Of course 'You should have an abortion' is a rotten thing to say and she shouldn't have said it, but I doubt she really understands the emotions you're feeling in relation to your pregnancy.

I certainly don't think it's unusual for a teenager not to be pleased that their mother is pregnant. I certainly know other people who got fairly harsh reactions from teenagers when they got pregnant again late in life. The teens came round every time in the end, though. I think at that age, teenagers tend to react to things very impulsively and throw a strop before they've really had time to process it all.

@JazbayGrapes
exactly!

I’d let dust settle and chat to her. I find just two of us car good for chats less pressure.
It sounds like she’s sensible planning college, uni, pt job.
Reassure her you are fine financially.
Do discuss you plans for funding her at college - bus fare won’t be cheap, lunch, any allowance. Will you pick her up if she gets a pt job with late night hours.
Reassure her you can meet expected contributions for Uni and won’t leave her unable to go away as she wants to. If she’s looked and seen min loan won’t even cover halls she could be really worried.
Other expenses that probably are at forefront of her mind are prom dress, driving lessons (I pay £70 a 2 hour lesson for dc) and Uni open days (have spent hundreds in train fares visiting)

What on earth????

OP, she sounds incredibly spoilt and selfish and all about me me me.

I do wonder if underneath it there is insecurity about the changes, but shes still bang out of order.

Your daughter is out of place as it’s not up to her to suggest anything!
I think you might have created this issue by spoiling her rotten without giving her any boundaries .
You clearly want this baby so go ahead and have it . Congratulations by the way .

I think it's disgusting that she thinks it is okay for her to say something like that to her mother and you need to teach her some boundaries before she really turns into a nasty spoilt girl.

My first thought is that she may feel that you are creating another family that is going to grow up in her absence. She will be leaving soon and you guys will be all together and she isn't going to be part of that no matter how hard you try. It will be new family and her on the outside.

She sounds a bit spoilt. I'd start making her work more for her many luxuries.

If Op and her DH are on £29,000 each, girl only gets minimum maintenance loan with expected parental contribution around £5000 a year outside London.
Min loan won’t even cover her accommodation.
Fine if parents know and have saved but lots assume everyone can borrow same maintenance loan or have no idea how much parents are now expected to contribute.
Op will have 2 in childcare when dc goes to Uni. It’s a huge amount to pay from net income if they haven’t saved.
Obviously better ways to express it but she’s 15. If her dream is to go away go Uni I can see why she would be concerned about your financial situation.

My brother (full brother, same mum and dad since apparently that's relevant) was born when I was a teenager and he was a total ray of sunshine in my otherwise selfish teenage life. A big age gap can be lovely.

Thank you all for your responses, there's definitely food for thought.

I really want to stress that she isn't a spoilt or nasty girl. This is partially why I name changed, because there are enough details about our lives here that people I know on mumsnet would absolutely recognise us.
She does have what I consider to be a fair amount materially, BUT this is because I didn't have anything growing up, which was part of why I had her at 17. I didn't envision my life being about anything more than struggling, but when she was here in the flesh, I wanted her to have everything that I could ever reach for her.
I didn't want her to grow up being bullied for having less, or feeling lesser than anyone, or grow up to expect that she would struggle to meet her needs.

So I've modelled to her, you work hard, you pay for what you need to, the roof over your head, your council tax, other priority bills, you put some money towards future expenses, then you make sure you enjoy your life...and I happily pass on most of that to my eldest.

This thread really does focus on what DD receives financially because that is the concern she has brought up. One poster says I'm overanalyzing the financial aspect now to see if there's any truth. I absolutely am!

If she were to sight she hasn't seen me enough, I'd be analysing how present I've been, but she didn't say that.

I'm taking on board lots of people saying that she might feel like I've had a second family, and that she might be feeling left out. Ouch, that must hurt her, and I'll definitely discuss that with her because that's absolutely not the intention or thought and I would hate her to feel that way

Maybe we also need to address concerns for her future.

The plan has always been when she's in further education £100 a week transferred directly to her. In the first year of her further education, she can either be taken to and from by me, or she can access public transport, or use a mixture.
By the end of the first year, I would very much like her to be driving. We have planned that she can have her driving lessons and tests paid for by us and there is provision for an £8k car, we will meet insurance costs.
If she's going off to university following the 2nd year of the course she's planning on doing, then I assume there are excellent transport links around and halls are going to be travellable to uni (I never went, I don't know. I'm lucky to earn fairly well without having attended)
Then the plan is that she sells her car, and has a decent lump sum towards her costs at uni, whilst still receiving the £100pw from us. If the COL issues continue into then, we may then also give her the savings we make on not paying her car insurance. Ontop of the loans, I've always assumed that would give her a fairly comfortable (for a student) lifestyle.

The trips I've listed, are all trips out she's jad with myself or DH or as a family with care being taken to ensure most attention is on her- since birth of her sibling, so things will continue on much the same when there are two.

I apologise for being long winded. I'm trying to keep up with all points!

It's clear we have some conversations to have. Not necessarily me telling her to wind her neck in, or punishment, but to really discuss things in depth, with the insight from this thread, I can maybe use some of people's thoughts to put possible concerns out there, and allay them.

She really is a good kid. Thoughtful, sensitive. Nice. I hate that I've pretty much put her worst foot forward here on this post. Anyone who knows her, thinks really highly of her.

Someone said that this may just be the way that she thinks, being good at engineering subjects, I think that could be right, but she's often not quite so blunt.

Thank you everyone.

I think she probably assumes you'd advise that she seriously consider abortion if she got pregnant (as she is 15), so she feels she is well within the bounds of your close relationship to suggest the same back to you. And she isn't wrong, really.

She doesn't get to enforce your reproductive choices any more than anyone else would, but she gets to have an opinion and that opinion can reasonably be that she thinks proceeding with another child at this point would be a terrible idea (especially for her, and looking forward to her forthcoming university/driving lesson costs etc).

Thank you for this! Are you the poster who has posted about student maintenance a few times on the thread? - apologies if not! I'd like to thank them too.
This is actually something that I will be discussing with DD, because I don't want her to worry for her future.

We're also quite lucky in the fact that I do pay minimal childcare- me and DHs hours overlap sometimes- but rarely so that's an expense that could be massive that isn't

Yes I agree with all of this. I would look behind this for the real reasons she is feeling so negative about your news.

I don't feel like it's DDs place to even suggest an abortion, and I can't really see where the thought process is that we're having money problems.

OP, you answered your own question. What she says - it's not even that uncommon. Teenagers say all kind of absurd, awful or mean things to their parents, especially mothers. Sometimes they ask mother to adopt another child just because they envy a certain friend who seems to enjoy having a little sibling; sometimes they invent bad things about their siblings, out of pure childish jealousy. But she'll be just fine when the new brother or sister is born.

She dosn't want a sibling as it's competition for resources. Not up to her though.
My 15 year dd thinks that money grows on trees and that she will easily make ££££ when she leaves school. It might shock her to find it's not that easy although she does have a job.

It sounds like you’ve got everything covered financially I’d reassure her and just keep talking.
You mention she’s quite blunt and you obviously discuss abortion etc so she knows you are pro choice.
Teens see things quite black and white anyway, some more than others.
I’d definitely discuss social norms with her. Telling a married 35 yr old woman to get an abortion isn’t appropriate.
Congratulations and best wishes.

She's 15 and lashed out. She doesn't want another baby sibling in the house and most 15 year-olds will feel the same. I wouldn't have wanted baby siblings when I was 14-15 either.

She is understandably worried about the future. I think you need to reassure her regarding finances and university, etc.

I’m often really shocked on mumsnet about what people feel is acceptable from teenagers and how they allow themselves to be spoken to.
no way would I allow a 15 year old to comment on my finances or reproductive choices. They wouldn’t DARE.
There was a thread the other day about teens having too much “power”-this is a perfect example of it.

What she said was blunt and insensitive but the sentiment behind it- I don't want another sibling are valid. Did you ask for her opinion? Did you share any uncertainty about continuing the pregnancy?

From what you've written it sounds like she has a pretty cushy life! Have you over compensated for her having a new sibling?
Is she worried those things would stop?

Yes , because it's all about DD.

You cant be serious.

You dont think there's a difference between a mother advising a 15 year old to have an abortion and a child telling her mum to because she doesnt like that shed have to share finances? Seriously?!

She doesnt get to have an opinion, at all.

@WildUnchartedWaters agreed. This thread is batshit.

I definitely don't blame her. I'd be doing the same and would be moving out as soon as possible.