My DD told me to get an abortion.

[Wowokthanks]

I've name changed because I know a few people who use MN,

Regarding her issues with dealing with younger siblings, maybe book a couple of mummy/daughter outings.
If you'd RTFT you'd see that DD gets plenty of one-to-one outings with both parents.

Basically it's none of her business.

It is totally her business because it will be her care and responsibility. Most likely - for the rest of her life too. What if something happens to parents while the younger siblings are still little?

When you focus on the importance of a woman having the right to choose what happens to her body, you can explain to a teenager why it is therefore unacceptable to demand someone else has an abortion.

Does she demand or just blurted something insensitive? Hard to be sensitive when for so long, the message has been that abortion on demand, anytime, any reason is not just a right, but a greater good.

I have to admit this thread is kind of speaking to a doubt I've had niggling in the back of my mind. We have been planning to TTC for ages, and now have been for 3 months. DS has just finished his A levels but his plans for September have fallen through so he is needing support to find an alternative and also looks as though he'll be living at home for longer than we thought. I think I may pause TTC even though this will devastate DH 😟Why is it so hard to keep everyone happy. Sorry to derail the thread...

What a horrible, horrible thing for her to say

But will this continue to happen when there's a newborn and a toddler in the house?

I think your daughter is probably shocked, and a bit embarrassed, that her parents are having another baby, at her age. That should, however, be separate from the issues around her concerns on the impact to her lifestyle. She sounds very fortunate that she gets so much (materially) from you, but maybe she's actually concerned about the time/support from you? Hopefully you can have a more considered conversation with her, when the shock for her has passed.

She is, however, a child, and it's not her decision.

On another note... Engineering is becoming extremely competitive for entry. I would caution her in going to 'college', unless it's a Sixth Form College, where she can get the appropriate A levels. If it's FE College, where the access route is different, I'd urge her to ensure she's discussed this with her preferred University.

The government are cracking down on anything creative. So if you aren't wealthy you don't get to pursue your dreams.

Until 13, she was the only child. Then mother got pregnant, since 13/14, she does not have her mother as available as she used to be. Op had second child when first was 14 and now, now at the age of 15, she has one toddler sibling, and another coming, oldest child's life and family dynamic has suddenly changed at her early teen years, and posters are saying she is spoiled, etc
She has lost her parents, their love and attention, but OP has compensated with things money buys. OP herself is not able to imagine that a kid needs far more than money. And she thinks her daughter thinks they are little compared to her.
In another post, people were defending a 17 year old dd being spoilt with designer bags and expensive holidays and not wanting to do summer job, here people are blaming a 15 year old for having new trainers or saying she will make big money. She is still a kid and a kid whose home has changed so much in first 2 teen years.

I agree, but I think you meant "unaware".

In another post, people were defending a 17 year old dd being spoilt with designer bags and expensive holidays and not wanting to do summer job, here people are blaming a 15 year old for having new trainers or saying she will make big money. She is still a kid and a kid whose home has changed so much in first 2 teen years.

Mumsnet has a massive number of users, so different thread, different people posting. It's not a hive mind.

What stuck out to me was she wanted new glasses so off you popped and got her some?? Surely you only get new ones when needed. She sounds spoiled.

I mean in general but why kids have to be happy because their parents have another baby?

Parents want to keep on having children, sure they don't need their childs permission but it does affect the current children they do have

Well, she’s expressed how she feels. Some teenagers would welcome a new baby, some wouldn’t at all. It’s not like there’s a set rule where a teenager will naturally be ecstatic about her parents having another kid.

it obviously isn’t her choice, but it’s obviously going to have a big impact on her life until she’s in a position to leave. She may or may not come round to the new baby - again, that isn’t something that can be predicted.

I think she’s just shocked and maybe embarrassed to be having another baby in the house.
To be fair, you’re only early or mid thirties and people who are your age mates are just having their first child now so you’re not too old to be having another baby but I think as you already have a teenager, it changes the dynamics.
Its not up to her to tell you what to do with your body as it’s your choice really and ultimately not her decision however it’s a big change for her after so many years of being an only child so it’s a big adjustment and her response though insensitive is something I can quite understand

Just give her a cuddle.

Of course she doesn’t get a say in this. But she does have feelings and the feelings are clearly stressed / anxious ones.

You are overthinking this trying to dig into whether her comments about money are rational or if there is any truth in the idea she gets less attention or whatever. It’s not a rational response from her, it’s an emotional one. And the reaction I think as a mum when your kid is emotional is just to love them and be there for them and not give oxygen to her attempts to rationalise her big feelings

Maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't but I had her at 17, so I've had a child with no money and no plan, and our lives are completely different to what they were...or probably should have been! So her citing money reasons is a bit of a punch in the gut.

Her citing money reasons is a punch in the gut??

In all posts, you have talked about your emotions, and how you have given her more money for babysitting than normal, that their rooms are not on same level, so she is not impacted by baby's cries.

What about her emotions? You are talking of money, how you are giving her more and than wondering why she wants to earn big money.

Her life is completely changed since her early teens, her mother is understandably busy with a very small child. But someone who was only child till 13, suddenly has her parents busy with a baby, classes etc.
She is a teen, she is in a emotionally vulnerable stage of life and her mother is not available.

It seems like, you have no time to even consider impact of all this on her. Also, maybe she is a bit jealous that her sibling has it better than she did as a young child because you are in a financially secure place.

@CinderRosie if you want another baby have another baby. My brother was born when i was a teenager and i was totally unimpressed by the whole thing. But then he arrived and it was just… magic. Honestly I couldn’t have loved him more, still do. I have a few mates with massive age gaps between their kids and the elder ones always adore the babies. Give your son some credit, i’m sure he’ll be an amazing big brother x

Seems like a typical teenage reaction. When I was a teen, my older cousin announced her pregnancy and I asked if she was keeping it. In my head, it seemed the obvious question to ask. Don't think others saw it that way!

@sueelleker it says she goes on holidays a lot and she had a fun birthday (?) and a concert with her dad.

I meant going for a one to one lunch with her mum, going to get her nails done, I don't know. Bonding time. It may be difficult with a 15mo but OP maybe needs to make her see that having baby siblings doesn't stop their close connection

I don’t think she should have said that but can understand why she isn’t thrilled but it’s your and your husband’s decision.
I had a friend whose mum and dad had another after a 15 yr old gap then another quickly to be a sibling to little one. They were all full siblings but it was like a 2nd family situation. She was embarrassed as people commented and the whole parents having sex thing.
My dc has a friend with a toddler sibling and she ends up doing a lot of childcare. She is also embarrassed about the teen mum thing (people stare and make assumptions)
Have you checked your Uni expected parents contribution? To be honest that would worry me. Only households on under £25,000 get full maintenance loan. If you earn over £58,000 combined which isn’t uncommon then she’s minimum loan and you’ll be expected to top up just under £5000 from your net out of London and £7000 London a year. No allowance for outgoings eg childcare x 2. Unless you’ve got a college fund for her I can see her worrying you’ll limit her chances eg say you can’t pay what you are required to and limit her to a local uni.
Mine’s 17 and I’ve found she’s needed more input recently eg uni open days, driving practice.

Of course, but I see a few regular posters on both threads

How much childcare for her siblings has she been doing, and will that amount increase...is that where the anxiety is coming from? I was parentified way too early as the eldest daughter taking care of a younger sibling, so I may be overly sensitive about this issue. Whilst it wasn't the greatest comment on her part, she's 15 and she may feel that when she leaves for university, she's not really part of your new family. Good luck with your pregnancy and the birth of your next child.

It really isn't her decision but she obviously just doesn't want to have the disruption of another baby in the house. Of course its going to have an impact on her life, as babies have to take priority. In a few years you are going to be paying for driving lessons, university, etc all whilst your household has taken a financial hit with one of you being on maternity/ paternity leave and quite likely working part time around childcare. All of this is obviously making her feel insecure about what this means for her. She's 15, you know how it works, the world revolves around her!

This. I actually think she is old enough to know better - what a hurtful horrible thing to say as well as being well out of her decision making.
I think I wouldn’t be holding my thoughts back eg

1. was she asked for her opinion, no, then don’t give it
2. my body my rights - no one has the right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do
3. That money is not the issue but if she didn’t appreciate the gym memberships etc that are a privilege they can be removed
4. that she needs empathy lessons instead of a gym membership ….

It's your choice, but a 15 year age gap is enormous. Were you very young when you had her? She did want a sibling but she didn't get that until it was too late (in her eyes) and now you're providing that child with a sibling?

I imagine she's feeling very very pushed out.

Do all 3 children have the same father?

Personally i would have been concentrating on the family I had, not making another one (that's how she's probably seeing it) but obviously that's your choice. And honestly it's nothing to do with her. But she is entitled to feel pushed out and that's how it's come across.